i think its hitting me just what happend in the last month. which i expected. didn't expect the anger that follows though.

i'm not angry at myself - not yet any way- but angry at the lack of support from my folks. yes, they came and saw vic in SCN - a 40min round trip. which was nice. but while there they told me about a cousin's wife - B - was having issues. they said PND. which i felt for her. i understand she's a quiet rather reserved women who'd be in shock after having her vagina and all else on show while giving birth. then about 48hrs before Vic and i got sent off to "monash" for a few hours i was asking how she was. and its not PND. rather Bi-polar, which A knew about before they got married and B understood that in order to have a healthy baby she needed to go off her medication and was explained what could happen after the birth. now i can understand how hard that'd be to deal with. seeing as i went though depression - i know not the same thing but i can understand how hard it would be dealing with ups and downs with out reason. BUT what shit me the most was the comment my father made to DH while we where in ICU with Vic "ohh B and A are going though hell at the moment" ... ohh THEY are going though hell with Bi-polar. when my cousin A has his mum less then 30seconds down the road from them. B's mum staied with them for the first week and a half. mean while i'm at a hospital over an hour round trip away from DH and DJ. sleeping on fold out chairs, fold out beds even in the waiting room. i've watched my son be poked, proded and even dared to say "come on just BLEED" while they tried to put a long line in his arm - when that failed i watched him get wheeled into theater. waited an hour and a half to see him and held him while he came around. i then had to watch as they removed what they'd put in - only to hold him again while they put a bung in his skelp to sedate him to put another line in. a CVC line. blood comming down his face. waited over an hour again and then got to see him sitting in a cot - with moiters on him and an oxgen tube thing up his nose. i sat there and watched the moiters beep, and the numbers. alone. i couldn't comfort him damn it. and i had no one by my side holding my hand. but hey. A & B are going though hell aren't they? they got to take their son home. they got a healthy baby. both my sons have gone though SCN, both have had to be given anti's with in 48 hours of birth. but thats nothing. my folks couldn't even just say "yes, A&B are having a rough trot but what you and DH are dealing with must be harder still" but nope. none of that. why? its ME. i'm always ment to be the 'strong' one. who rides every thing out. when i fall apart i dont ask for help from any one but DH. and i can't eather. all i get from any member of my family is "its in the past now" yep. too right it is. but damn it it doesn't make the hurt any less. i understand so many others have it alot harder then i've had. so many more women have walked a much rougher road. but for me - and selfishly - its been fucking hard. i've made it though and now i wait. i wait for the walls to come crashing down. the words of the Traveling Wilberrys "And then the walls came down. all the way to hell"

i went into labour on the 30th. ok i lie. i woke up in trainstion on the 30th of june. think - bad period pain - piddle - still there. but then start shaking and wanting to throw up. - longest wait EVER for the inlaws to come around to be there with DJ...including telling DH i'd kill FIL if he wanted to stop and 'chat' after he parked the car (why he'd want to do that at 3:40am i dont know)
got to the hospital about 3:50am. poor guy at the door (the one who keeps the bad guys away LOL) copped it from me when he asked how far apart the contrations where "Fucking close enough" was what he copped. followed by "I'm not fucking sitting down again" when he asked me if i wanted a wheel chair. used the lifts to the maternity ward (with DJ i used the stairs) didn't even get sent to the rooms to be checked out. strait into the birthing rooms. they do an internal. - 7 almost 8cm. "we'll have a baby here soon" my face was something like o_0 i think. DH's was more *jawdrop* due to me being GBS+ i needed a bung and AB's before birthing this baby. bwahahah good luck. drip attempt #1 epic failure. attempt#2 got it. AB's go in. i go to the loo and piddle a little. then throw (how i did that i'm not sure of) myself onto the bed. and the whole "GOTTA POOOO" thing came out. then i get told its my baby (itd be around 4:30am now) soo i push..and pushed...and the "burning ring of fire" starts. then "pop" ohh look my waters broke. pushed some more...the head is comming i heard "Look at the hair!!" from a MW. pushed once more (so a grand total of 3 or 4 pushes) and the head is out. then the body follows. and the rest of the water too - light mec staining but its "fresh" and that was grose the waters falling onto my feet. ick! pulled "bundy" though and bundy was infact a boy! who looks like DH - dark hair dark (blue) eyes and olivey skin. he was also 9lb6.5oz (or 4.2kg) and 56cm long and hed cerc of 36.5cm but it wasn't to last. bundy (or Vic now lol) had a temp. so off to SCN he goes. temp was resloved by the time he reached SCN - but his blood sugar levels where low - so he was given formular. the pead on that morning wanted to start ABs then and there, but i declined asking for the blood tests to come back before we made a call - as i felt that i didnt want vic to have AB's for nothing. bloods came back with a raised CRP (marker for infection) so the ABs where started. they did a blood colurer and what not, also his platlets where low which was a worry. so they did more bloods and the platlests came up. over the next few days but also in that time vic had to have a lumber puncture as well are a u/s on his brain. they suspected meningitus - which cant be friggin' bad. at that point he was on 3 differant AB's as they where "hitting it with every thing" they could. then we found out we'd need to go to monash hospital - due to vic running out of IV spots fast. they'd used his left arm and right foot. and they couldn't find another vein. so off to monash for a "few hours" for a long line (a more long term drip) but that failed. so we had a hickmans put in (again more long term but needed a GA for it to be put in :-\) and with in 24hours that was out (so that takes us up til friday) so they where getting to the bottom of the barral of things todo. so they put in a CVC line. which ment a sedation. and we spend friday night though til late monday arvo in ICU. friday night i lost it. i was numb. watching my baby boy go though it. i couldn't deal with it. and i cried. watching the moiters numbers go up and down. i also couldn't feed vic as no one would hold an oxygen tube near his face as apposed to the things up his nose. but by early saterday morning they where taken out. and he only had a probe on his foot for oxygen staturation levels and heart rate. sleeping in a fold out chair isn't the easiest thing. i found i'd only sleep from 1am-5:40am - when vic slept. a few ICU nurses joked i was the energiser bunny and i just kept going. what had me going at that point was the fact we only haf 3 days of anti's left. or 72 hours (i think it was) late monday we got moved to the peads ward. which ment only 4hourly Ob's and anti's every 8. they where fairly busy - watching them move beds/cots in the wee hours was fun. best of all i could feed vic as often as i wanted and i didn't have some one with me 24/7. so it was one step nearer to 'normal' then finaly wednesday night rolled around. last anits at 10pm. thursday rolls around...waiting waiting waiting. the peads come around 11:30. we get the all clear to go home! ahh soo happy.
last night was good. thismoring a little harder - seeing as DJ had a tanty from 3am until almost 7am poor DH tired from 3am til just before 6am and i took over. with both boys at one point getting upset. hopefully it passes soon, i know i can deal with it. but DH will struggle on little sleep.