Darren was born.
so i've copied and pasted his birth story from BB so i can look back on it from time to time.
its bloody short compaired to vic's haha.

[really long] Blips arrival! (7/02/09)
When DH (chris) and I found out we where expecting it was a shock, as we'd planned to start trying may of this year! But we'd never say no to having our own kiddlett. so the whole thing started, the due date for our little 'blip' was Jan 27th 2009.

I was one of the women who didnt get 'moring' sickness. i had all day sickness. i worked in the Deli untill i was 31 weeks along. as my belly was getting a little big and my bladder a little small to keep working 5hrs at a time and with our wedding comming up and christmas i just couldnt keep it up any longer so i went on maternity leave.

after christmas and new year and Australia day passed i started getting a little impastaint to meet blip. and the 4 days above 43 didnt help much(at 40wks prg too). but i thought that this little one would come out when they wanted. i got to 41weeks (tuesday) and saw the OB at the hospital. they did a Strech and Sweep, things started looking up i got cramps and a small bloody show. but they soon died down. on wednesday DH and i went for a walk for an hour around near our house. nothing. thursday we saw my family and my mother commented on the fact my belly had droped. i felt it was the same but liked hearing it. on friday i woke up at 7:30 with really bad priod pain! so i walked around the house, guessing at the timming of the contraction. then made a post here to ask about it. i was direcrted to contractionmaster dot com. hit the space bar at the start/end of each contraction easy enough and it works it all out for me. only down side is. i have a normal computer NOT a laptop and walking though the contractions later became...hard-er.

i had a CTG booked at the hospital for 12. they called at 11 and asked me to come in earlier. and i did. the CTG picked up on contractions that where "slowly becomming regular" i knew they where regular but had gone funny due to me not feeling too good about being put in a little room! so off chris and i waddle back home. i had subway for lunch and the contractions died down (as in one every 30mins or so) so i took the chance and had a nap. so i dozed off at around 1 woke up about 3ish. i woke up because i rolled over onto my left side and the conreactions happend almost strait away. i rolled back onto my right and they came every 7mins. by around 5pm they went back to being 4-6mins apart poor chris had to cook tea at 6:30 becuase i was unable to stand still and/or do anything other then rock though each contraction. i settled in fount of the computer at about 8 (with contractions at about 5mins now) and posted on here as well as facebook. then at 9 i called the midwifes who told me to take pandol and have a warm shower. i did this. contractions where at 10mins apart, so i tired to sleep at about 12:30am. i got about half an hour of sleep, then they kicked back up again. so i started walking around the house...when i got tired i sat on the loo..it was the only semi comfterbal place i could find. (chris was asleep on the lounge floor for this) then i called the midwives at 4am and asked if i should come in. they said pandol and a warm bath. this time i ignored that and just had a warm face washer on my back (my contractions where at the fount but i needed SOMETHING to distract me!) by 5:45 i couldnt keep it up. i was starting to get vocal about the pain and almost crying becuase it 'hurt' so much. but between each contraction i was able to move around a little, never far from the computer so i could keep track of the contractions. so i called the midwives and told them i couldnt handle it any longer and i needed to come in. so at 6:30 chris and i left home and went down into the hospital. i think i freaked a few guys out in another car with the face i pulled in the middle of a contraction in the car. but we got to the hospital and walked up two flights of stairs (they had a lift but i thought i'd be better to help 'blip' move down) got to the maternity ward. saw a midwife who said "what would you do if we sent you home?" and i said "i'd be happy knowing WHERE i'm at with this labour becuase its been going basicly since 5:30 last nught and i need to know my body is doing something!" she did an internal i was 5-6cm, membrains bolgeing. and becuase i was GBS+ they admited me. and settled me into a room. chris went and got the labour bag (it had clothes, lollies..spray bottle...but never got used!) and set me up. the contractions around im guessing 8am (i lost all consept of time once they took my watch off at 7:10am) got a little harder to deal with so i went and plonked myself of on the loo. the midwife then stuck her head in and asked if it was ok to have a student doctor sit in on the birth and is said yes. she pointed out (for the second time chris said) that it was a male and i said "he needs to learn too ya know" im thinking thats when transition started. becuase around 9:10am my waters broke. leading upto that i became rather...vocal (i was useing gas too) with the pain. the only word i could get out was "Pain" along with a skreech and clawing at the loo paper holder. when my waters broke all i could get out was "broken...water...water...broken...water...wat er" (i can rember that much) chris then had to explain to the midwife that my waters had broken. she got a pad thing and checked they where clear/pink. i rember seeing a little pink in them..and though "I'm loseing my baby" then realised i was in LABOUR. i think it was around 11:30am i started really screaming and loseing it. begging for something stronger. chris i think wanted me to have something other then gas (he was in tears seeing me screaming in pain and thrashing around scraching at walls and banging on them). she came in and told me she could give me pethadien.but that wouldnt take the pain away, just relax me between contractions and i was already relaxed. i'd said i didnt want an epidural so that wasnt even on the table. when i told her i couldnt do it she said "yes you can. get in the shower, that'll help" and i grunted at her...then let out another "pain" yell. she then suggested i get into the bath. but first they needed to do an internal to see how far diolated i was. and that was HARD. the gas went strait to my legs. along with contractions...i pulled myself up and held onto the wall and basicly though myelf onto the bed. and told them i couldnt do it on my back...so they put the bed fully sitting up and i hugged the back of it. she checked. 9cm. they went and ran the bath. mean while im on the bed sucking down the gas and biteing on it too...chris told me at the point "i love you and i know you can do it...now DRINK" next thing i knew i was told to walk to the bath. so i did..with a sheet rapped around my lower half. i found out it was the water birth bath. so that was an upside. i got in the bath and relaxed. haveing the warm water on my body made me relax alot more. i also think thats when 'blip' started to come down becuase conrations became alot harder with a more defined brake between. i rember doing my normal 'pain' cry then it changed. my body was wanting to push. i told the midwife "push. needing" and she told me to hold off because i wasnt at 10cm yet. 4 conractions later and i was saying "need to push. but cant push. but am pushing" and she told me to do what my body wanted. so i started pushing. then after a while i had the urge to check to see if i could feel the baby...and i could...i could feel this hard...lump...my baby was comming...she checked and said "yes, thats you babies head..your doing good!" kept pushing. a while later i checked again. this time it was much further down. she checked again and told me i was doing good. i was still in the water at this point and she asked if i'd like to get out or stay (the other midwife who was assisting was trained in water birth) i said stay. no way was i getting out when the water was supporting my waight and allowing me to relax between contractions. when i was bearing down i didnt use the gas (so for about an hour) i was just going with the flow. then i checked the head. and it was RIGHT THERE. i told the midwife "head. coming. down. out." she checked. and sure enough it was getting VERY close to the birth. she said "i'll be having lunch by 1 o'clock!"

thats when things got hard the head was comming down and i'd heard of this called 'the ring of fire' well IT was (for me) it burned, but in a good way...in my mind (maybe the gas affected it!) all i could think was "burn burn burn...burning ring of fire" which was odd! but the head came out (half in half out) and i swear my contractions STOPPED. i told the midwife this. she said they hadn't and to just breathe. so i tired. then another contraction. burn. burn. burn. contraction. strange feeling. contraction. ohh my god. i looked down and saw this gray body. i grabbed the baby and pulled him up onto my chest. chris has told me i then said "ohh no..." then turned around to see what we'd had...it was a boy! a little Darren! they rubbed him. and camped the cord. i demanded chris cut it he did. they took him away...i waited. time stood still...then we heard the cry. i was pulled out of the bath and given the shot for the plasenta. laied down with a bean bag and my shirt taken off (i left it on..for the WHOLE thing) and they bought little darren back to us and laid him on my chest. the plasenter came out with 2 pushes (and some traction i think?) and i just looked at this little darren of ours. trying to understand that he was MINE that was my blip. the blip i'd had in my belly for nine months! i told the midwife i'd torn, i could feel it. she said she'd look at it when we got back to the labour room so off we go. i was put in a wheel chair for that. i then got told to get on the bed, i had torn they needed a guy to come stich me up. chris held little darren...and hour and a half it took. i tore my left labiea. pritty badly too. then i had a shower. chris had to watch me and help me. which he did. the only thing i asked of him was not to look 'down there' becuase i didnt want to see it, why should he! at half past two we started to try and feed, with little sucess...but i was deremend to get darren on the boob. we settled into the room i'd be in the next two days. people came and said hi. sunday darren ended up being put in SCN becuase of a chest infection. on the upside he did learn how to attach, as it was comforting for him early sunday moring. and i learnt how to hand express! he'll be out of SCN on saterday hopfully. he's a good little boobie cub. (chris calls him cub because of the little squeek he makes when he's feeding)

the birth of Darren was the most impowering experance of my life.

Stats:
Lenth : 53cm
waight 7.14pound
Apgar 7 and 9
head cerc. 35cm

Labour:
contractions : 18hrs (give or take)
Pushing: an hour (im guessing)
plasenta delivery: 20mins (assisted)

im sitting here and both boys are asleep. i should be doing house work. but DH is at work all day (8am-10pm) so i thought i'd take the chance to unload it all while i can.

Sunday we had my nan's 90th birthday. which mid-way though we had 4 ambos at my mum and dads. nan had a turn and ended up (lowered) on the floor. her blood pressure dropped and she passed out. she stopped (or it couldn't be felt) breathing and her paulse was un able to to be found. scary, scary times. makes me realise she wont always be there. she's a wonderful women. she's made it though cancer and a marraige brake down. she's still going. she's a women i admire and respect more then words can explain.

i respect her more then my own mother. my nan has faced alot more crap in her life then my mother (that i know of) and is still a good women. my mother on the other hand takes it out on the world. and mainly me. you see i am never good enough. or what i do is always picked on, pulled apart and then smooshed back together how it suits her. i cannot say a thing right. and i am *always* wrong or doing something wrong. but with nan. she allows me to make mistakes but never judges me. she just watchs and will offer advice when asked. i wish my mother could take a page out of her book in that regard. she wasnt a bad mum. just she was going though alot when i was too. and sadly didnt take her own advice of "its not about you its about the kids" when i needed her.

yep. just had one and BB is down *grumble*

After my last angst filled rant/rave/online tirade. i had one.

ironicly as i got out of the shower, stranger things have come into my head after them though.

I realised that my SIL and BIL aren't worth my anger. they're not even worth my pitty. talking to DH last night about them. and the things i couldn't bring myself to do for them off my own batt, but WOULD do them if MIL asked. why you're wondering (most likely whilest rolling your eyes) because its MIL. she's been a wonderful second mother to me. she's helped me out more then my own mother has. she's been there. she's helped us with out asking. her and FIL bring dinner over once aweek as its 'too cold' for the boys right now for us to go over there. they've helped us in more ways then i care to count. they stepped up - with out a qarm when i was in hospital with Vic. for that i am forever in their debt. my BIL and SIL on the other hand have also been helped out by them. but they don't seem to have the same...i guess respect for them. i would happily bend into a pretzal for MIL and FIL. BIL and SIL nope. not so much. and i feel for MIL. she's stuck. while DH and I dont get on with BIL and SIL. i have tried. for five long years i have tired. now i have my boys, i cannot and will not allow them to consume me. there is no real relationship there which i can now accept. they have their self-centered lives. and we have ours.

I admit it brakes my heart in some ways. i'm not super close to my own sister, but i would do anything for her. hell when i was 10 i chased a boy in the court my folks live in for stealing her diary, and almost caught the bugger too 'cept he ran out of the court. but BIL wouldn't do that for DH. nope why bother? he's not getting anything out of it. for me family is the be all and end all. my father always used to tell me that blood is thicker then water. and for me it is. my family is by no means small. my 21st was 90% family. that was 80 people right there. (70 showed up as people couldn't make it) im proud of my family. at the beginning of this year DH, DJ and I in the space of three months traveled for over 24hours all up to go to family avents. plus we had two of our own - one of which ment an aunt and uncle of mine from the north of Victoria FLEW down for. yes, they got on a plane and flew down for that. all my family seem to have an understanding if your kinda near some ones place call and see if their home and come over for coffee. i've had a few aunts and uncles pop in. plus a cousin of mine. the whole "door is always open" thing applies i guess. i'd even offer a bed - if we had a fold out coutch or even a futon thingy. our house is small but the offer is always there. (hell they could camp out in the back yard!)

i guess what im rambleing about is that i've morned the loss of BIL and SIL and close family. they're not - a this rate of knots - going to have much todo with my boys out side of seeing them when we see MIL and FIL. unless MIL asked me to help in some way. as i said that would out of respect for her and all she and FIL has done. i no longer hold that seed of anger in my chest. it no longer needs to be there as that one way street of "give give give" has closed. i cannot give any more of me to those people who for what ever stupid reson cannot even be adult enough to be civil towards myself, be warm enough (and have enough respect) to write my name and DH's in a card meant to be a celibration of our sons birth into this world. they, they do dont deserve my time. and I as a wife, a mother and a daughter/sister in law deserve more. maybe after they have their baby safely earth side SIL may well open her eyes. she may understand that the road i walk is the on less taken. i may be 8 years her Junior but i've walked the hard mile. and will continue to do so, because that is what a mother does. i put myself out there, i've been kicked while i've been on my knees and clawed my way back to my feet and i'll be kicked again. i'll struggle. but no matter how black my world is, my family above all else. come first. something i can only hope they understand extends past her family. BIL has a family too, but ties can only be streched so much. the one he had with his brother (DH) has broken. and the one they both had with me has shattered too.

soo its fathers day. it was a nice day for DH. his first fathersday with both our boys.

the splatter comes thank to my SIL and BIL. they really showed off their twattery skills today.

lemme pre-face by saying i know my SIL is not me and my BIL has long since burned bridges with DH.

Its fathers day so MIL arranged for us "all" (read DH, Me, DJ, Vic BIL and SIL) to come to their (MIL's) place for afternoon tea. noice. we where told to be there around 3. i did call MIL about 2:30 and tell her we'd be late as DJ was still asleep. we managed to get there at 3:45pm. not bad seeing as DJ woke up at 3:20. well FIL isn't there. i ask MIL if he was out getting pizzas. nope. he was at BIL's place 0_o ok. fair enough they're expecting their first baby. whats he doing? helping BIL fill the skip he hired...ON FRIGGIN FATHERS DAY!?!!? BIL asked for his help, rather then doing it ohh a weekend later. he did it on FATHERS DAY. twat. this is even more annoying (for me) as FIL is no spring chicken. he's nearer to 73 then 72. he's slowing down. BIL can't ask any of his friends for help. and as i said he's burned bridges with DH. SIL could help but thats doubtful. she's a small built women. but also the type who'd not help out as its 'mens' work. she's 18 weeks UTD. at 18 weeks i was up and down ladders (with BOTH boys) and helping DH move things. DH had to stop me doing things so i didn't hurt myself. but thats me. and im a much more phyiscal person then she is.
once they arrived at PIL's place DJ - as if on que- screamed! boy was a glad that happend. they got a shock (good!) and kind of took a step back. it took a while for me to 'show' vic to them as well quite frankly i was happy if they didn't see him. i cannot hide the contempt i hold them in after the fucking shitty excuess of a card they gave us for his birth. not even addressed to ANY FUCKING ONE. sorry, but after the hellish path i walked after his birth i derve a name on a fucking card. i pushed a 9lb6.5oz baby boy out of MY VAGINA in under two hours. that deserves some regignision. but nope. i showed them the photos we have. supprise supprise they flicked quick past the ones of SCN when vic had the IV line in his HEAD. and the photos we have of the CVC line. scary eh? but i got my own back - a short accont of the labour. think "AAAAAAAAAAARG -pop- " type thing. i didnt care. im hurt and im bloody angry at them. the disrespectful little fucking shits.

in 5 years they've slapped this face one too meany times. in 5 years i've been plaied out as the bad guy. for 5 fucking years i have sat by and not said anything for fear of hurting PIL. but now my ability to turn the other cheek is thinning. i will not stand for being disrespected by people who want to be close to my kids. i birthed them into this world so give me SOME respect or you'll see what lerks beneath this bubbly personality that seems to let it all 'slide on by' when i get arked up hevean help you. becuase hell sure as hell cant. i've pushed the line with them. yes. i've been to friendly for sure. but i have not once bitched about them. or said how they make me feel (other then to DH) the only times i have was 1) when BIl left a piss weak note about me and i turned my back on him - better then me getting stuck into him and 2) telling MIL that i was really hurt by that note and that it affected me. supprise supprise DH and I got engaged. ooo a month before they got married. opps didn't plan THAT one. twats. then i fall with DJ - anger out the ass hole there - moving faster then THEY did. we get married and birth DJ in to this world. then when DJ was 7 months old we fall with Vic, oppies, too fast again? i guess so. now they play games. get DJ a chrissie pressie last year, come to his 1st birthday but ignore my 21st and fail to write on a card for vics birth. hrrm i smell a rat. a rat called they want to be the 'best' aunt and uncle to my kids one issue with that. they need to get along with DH and ME. yep ME TOO. they aren't even known as aunt.S or uncle T. nope. they have done nothing to warrent that title. stupid, stupid people. i know i wont be an aunt to their child. i wont force it nor play stupid games. i will offer support as that is who i am. kick me when i'm down and i'll pull myself back up if a child is invlolved, not for my sake but for theirs. they are so pure children they dont know what a grudge is. why should i show them? they need help i'm there.

hopefully after their child is earth side safely they'll understand. but they'll still hold me in contempt of all things 'normal' but pfft. who wants normal? life in this nut house is better then anything they'd ever know!

Part of me thinks they're like this too because of the age differance between DH and I. nearer to 11 years. scary when you think about it. or when DH brings up something about "in 1990..." and i smile and say "yep. i was a year old!" they dont like this. mainly SIL. she's the kind of female who...for lack of a better description wants male attention but cannot seem to get it if there is another female within a bulls piss of her. she's quiet and kinda mouse like. me? im anything but- comming from me who cut the old window seal on the old Holden DH and I are doing up - after cutting back a wheel we used on the car with *drool* a noice drill. she's just...meek i guess. dont get me wrong i've tried to be 'friends' with them but since moving into the house DH and I are in now - things have 'stableised' as such. but since the birth of out boys have become less so. i'd never flat out say "nope they cant see them" as thats not fair on PIL, who have done so, so,so,so much for us. the only time i said that was after DJ was born they where NOT to come to the hospital as if felt slapped in the face from christmas prior. (who wouldn't if all you got was "do you know if its a boy or a girl" in four hours...) with vic i made no such comment. hell DH even managed to SMS them about the birth. but hey. i know now not to expect much.


in other less interesting news DH and I have talked about #3. it seems like a 'maybe' at this point as i felt, looking at our bed thismoring that a third little body would make it compleat. but we'll see. my urge to have a third is still strong :-/ but who knows once we start TT it may change, lol. but i think i'm nuts for wanting another...but the heart wants what the heart wants...

and DJ's teeth are springing into place too.
i feel bloody horrable with this whole teething caper. mind you i'm "lucky" according to some (who need to me melly bashed HARD) that DJ is over 12 months. you see DJ got TWO teeth at 6 months. then sweet fuck all until he was 11 months and nother two popped up. since then? three molars (so 12 points there) and two eye teeth, plus what looks like a fourth molar AND the other two eye teeth...AT ONCE. yep. im lucky.

add into this mix of things Vic got vax'd yesterday and has been unsettled. and i got sweet fuck all sleep last night between him, the crap single bed we have (DH is almost 32 so that bed would be nearer to 40) and the cat. i love Bella muss. but sometimes i love my sleep more.

I will how ever now stand up on my soap box and have a good 'ole rant and rave about Vaxing. yes, we do it in this house hold minus one - chicken pox.

this, in victoria is done at 18 months. DJ how ever will *not* be having it after already suffering though it once

I posted on FB after a stupid news report on chicken pox and one boy who had 'died from it' as far as i know yes, it is possable to die from it. just as it is possable to die from a cold sore. the body "attacks' the brain, not the infection and that leads to death. four people per year die of chicken pox. i had two people tell me that i should get vic vax'd against it. aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhNO. my sister seems to think i was after she had it - and i didnt seem to catch it off her - read i was within 10 feet of her the WHOLE time as well as being exposed to the same kids who where contagoius. i cant remember to be honest. one of these bright sparks told me that vic could get married and concract chicken pox and expose his UTD wife. umm, a)he can make the choice to be vax'd against it and b) DJ got it while i was UTD with vic. arugemnt fail? yep. now i can understand measels. and the others. but chicken pox? nope sorry. dont get that one. a 'normal' child hood illness in my books. where they have spent the $$ to come up with this that $$ could have been spent on cancer reserch or something that helps save more then 4 lives a year. i got shitty also about this seeing as i said "its whats right for myself and MY FAMILY" yet that was ignored. also yesterday when vic got jabbed i was asked if i wanted a hooping cough jab. i said no. im not feeling 100% and would rather not have a pointy bit of metal shoved into my arm at this point. only to be told it was "best" because i could catch hooping cough and give it to my kids. - umm how? im a SHAM where i go the kids go. we all get it at once. they dont attend play group *yet*, so expouser is limited. ALSO what friggin' ticked me off was that after vic's needles the women told me "ah mothers always get so up tight about needles" and i said "yep, well this aint his first lot of IM (intrermuscular) needles eather. this would take the tally at a guess up to at least 6. not to mention the hour and 20mins they spent trying to get a long line in, PLUS the GA, ohh and the sedation too" then they crapped on about how my boys where sick so i needed the hooping cough vax. cant friggin' win ay?

Ohh then to top off my LOVELY day yesterday DH went off to work. DJ cracked it (common now) and thats all well and good but vic was also unsettled. so i had two screaming bubs at 6:50pm (ohh you'll understand why i noted the time) i hear a knock at the door - assumption door to door sales man (who the fuck does this in the dark BTW?) i ignore it. repeat another 6 times, louder each time - with kids screaming (you could hear them out side im sure) and i finaly think "maybe its the inlaws" i open the door - lucky for the guy behind it i'd put my boob back in my top. i get the "good evening mam" line and i look the guy dead in the eye and say "Ohh Piss off will you?" and slammed the door. a first for me. normaly im very nice and tell them "no sorry we'll contact you if you want" but last night i skipped the niceitys and went stait to biatch. sorry dude, but you hear my kids crying and screaming and STILL knock at my door? your fail. not mine.
So today im going to hang a sign on the door
"Knock at own risk.
Forget the dog
Moody house wife inside"

or something to that affect. im not feeling like being nice.

now to go and see if the rain will hold off long enough for me to go down the shops with both boys and get some kind of chocolate...