i have a quiet moment with Vic asleep and DJ happily ignoring thomas the tank and playing with some toys My last entry was all over the shop, as was the one before that. kinda jumbled up week its been. I guess thinking about my past. as triggered by a friend who is now selling a bridesmaid dress she wore at my wedding and i spent a few months chaseing her for the $$. thinking about how much i've changed. how much i've grown and how somethings repeat not just within the confines of my own life but others. talking to a friend his son is "slow" not sure to what extent. but the kid is over school. but has no idea what he wants to do. and i feel for the kid. i really do. been there, done that. i hated school. i managed it becuase i managed to fake it. really well. kinda. Ok i lie. i 'managed it' until i hit year 11. then it dawned on me i was alive. stupid i know but when at age 12 you convince yourself you're far better off dead then alive. to have some how NOT killed your self the shock of reaching 15/16 hits hard. i spent most of the summer nights between year 10 and 11 in tears. panic attack after panic attack in my room alone. people knew i was in the deepest grip of depression, the hollo "call me if you need me" rang into the night. was greeted by "you have reached XYZ..." and silance. people would see what happend the night before and ask "why didn't you call me?" Oh i did but your phone was off. you turn it off at 10pm when i needed you at 1am you where asleep with your phone off. harsh but true. maybe i was the freak who'd leave their phone on loud knowing some one was suffering though a lession of life. maybe i could be strong for others while floundering within my own pit of dispearing quicksand. i dont know. i never will. all i know is hearing about this kid made me feel alot of those feelings. again. i know im now almost 23, but fucking hell those feelings came back with venage. Those nights i was alone. where the nights i cut. cut to kill, cut to feel the pain cut to make sure i wasnt dead yet. cut to make the triggers go away. cut to punish myself for those triggers (as i thought it was my fault) cut so i could control it. so many reasons to cut. so many reasons to die. some how i didnt. I know that its in the past but. it haunts me when i hear stuff like this. its also i guess a reminder that the past makes us who we are today and with out it we'd not be who we are. Self harm makes people move uneasily when its talked about. alot of people have "depression" as a fellow from down the road told me. yet i opened up a crack about my history and he moved un easy. i guess not every one understands. With my unicorse i think i'll withdraw from it at this stage. i enjoy it alot. but sadly it'll cost $$ in books soon and more time. time i dont have. plus i think also having a part time job will be better (if i can find one in the Deli again) but we'll wait and see i guess.

I've been thinking. a fair bit about where we where this time last year. Mainly on my epic 1 n a bit hour drive in a vain attept to get vic to sleep. DJ slept. not vic. he's still screaming while i currently wait for a call back about my distance uni corse. the next study thing is statisiics. i suck at numbers. i get the feeling i might end up giving this up. if i cant manage it. i thought if it falls though or i do or both. that i might look at going back to work part time. now i always wanted to be a SAHM but, sometimes i feel like i should still contribute to the world. plus have some super for when i'm old and stuff. i also think i miss the adult - kid free interaction too. but it might not happen. i guess too haveing some $$ for me. well not for 'me' but for projects for me EG the chook shed. the veggie patch and alike would be good. in the long run i'd like to be able to be much more self suffincat then what we currently are. i'd also like to look into irrigation for the fruit trees and the vegie patch i'd like to cover in so its protected from the hot north-east sun. all ofcorse once the bloody fucking bore pump is fixed. I'm sitting here thinking that if i do change my mind and do something else. what could i do? massarge corse? that could pay off out here. but i want to help people work though their issues. but i also enjoy healing people. As much as i love cookery the hours a horrid and i want to be with the kids too. I also feel stuck. stuck becuase i'm so pathetic with numbers and spelling. that i cant do much else KWIM? i sucked badly at school. i suck badly now. i have learning issues but that counts for nothing. never has never will. i thought i could be a mother. but sometimes i wonder if i'm failing at that too. not so much now but when Vic starts school and mummy cant help with spelling past grade 3. and maths much beyond the basics. i wonder if i'll be a crappy mum like that. i hope not. but i think i will be. I better go while i wait for this phonecall. they called at 5:55. not 6. i was peeing aaaaargh. i might pull out of this corse...

green or red.

talking to a friend. shes planning on getting married this time next year. i felt my heart kinda speed up and my eyes well up.

I've never maintained friendships. or more to the point i step back and let people contact me. they never. ever do. i'm that person who always calls/texts you to catch up. you call/text me if you're world is falling apart, you cant breath and your eyes cant cry any more.. i'm that hand in the middle of the night. that phonecall that'll almost never go unawncerd.

I've never had that. i did. in DH until things got rough. then he shut down and shut me out. i cut a fair bit. not as bad as '04-'06 where i was addicted to it. i cut enough to cope. to not tack a whole lotta pills and slip into the night, so as not to have the boys wake to it.

I'd not do that now. but tonight perhaps due to this friend and perhaps due to the beer. I feel like opening up a little. not that it'll be read or anything seeing as i abadoned this blog.

before DH there was a boy. who fucked my head. left me a shell. i took to cutting while with him after some things happend. that i'm not willing to talk about here. unless i'd know NO ONE knew me. but any way. shit happend. and i lost myself. add into the fact by the time i was 15 i thought i'd be dead. the consept of being in year 11 almost sent me over the edge. i watched that many sun rises its not funny. i did something dumb which almost triggered another to take their own life. i spent 6 hours talking them down. then when i needed a friend none where there. i walked to a friends place in the pouring fucking rain. i needed some one nothin'.
they say its that kinda stuff that makes you stronger. not always. it made me hide deeper within myself. it made me build walls i still have up now. they talk about how strong people must be. if you walked into my head you'd see i am more often then not weak as fucking hell. but hey. you'd never know.
you'd never know alot of shit....

to be continued

its been a while. since i last updated this.

stuff has happend.
DJ has not had that many fits. lasting around a two and a bit months since the last one. which is really good. sadly DH didn't quite remeber how to deal with them at 4.45am thismoring so i was woken to dispence the meds. joy -.-' mainly as i have my wisdom teeth comming down up top and i am the grumpist bitch out. really.

I've also lost my marbles and i'm studying at uni via distance. 'siff i didnt have enough on. but hey. i want to 'better' myself and hopefully get into hospitals (SCN and like mainly) and why not start it now? it gives me an "out" once i save up for a laptop i'll be right (and blog more LOL) but yes.

we've got a dog. Boof he's 8months now? he's a little jackrussll and well he got his name when he got home and i chucked him in the house yard i called a few names n finally said "Oi boof head common" he came back. the name stuck although its more often "Boofy - d" as DJ and Vic get their names used like that too.
i now have 13 chooks. two of them babies. so cute and one egg being sat on. boof chases the chooks. hasn't killed one. but once the weather cools i'll be getting a muzzle and chaining him (he has a harness around him, not a collar when chained up) and chaining him up next to the chook shed till he learns the chooks are "there" and not play toys. he's learning. slowly. 'russles are hunting dogs. so its a matter of training. but he's fantastic with the kids. and sleeps on/in my bed. yes he's spoiled but i dont know may 6month old pups (at the time) that could handle having a snag waved about 6cm from their snout several times and not flinch. yes boofy d did that. but throw a live chook and he's off. he's a semi scruff jackrussll. and cheeky as hell. he honstly pulled me out of a very, very, VERY black hole i found myself in. which is a blessing as we also had to put our cougar cat down about a month before christmas which was shitfully hard.

it also lead to a clash with father out law as the selfish bastard wanted to prolong cougars life becuase HE couldn't say good-bye. as in wanted to take him back to his place (3hrs away) for 'pelative' care. and i mean it nicely but FUCK OFF. i'd be the one to care for that cat had he come home. between him and the kids and the dog the chooks AND the fish. it was too much. the vet had no idea how the cat lived as long as he did. his figures for his kidneys/liver where off the chart. fuckingselfish out law.

christmas was ok. saw the out laws. saw the BOL and SOL. and their child. who is cute. BOL freaked that Boof would attack. umm he's with DJ all day every day. he knows "walk away" he also knows a child. he'll growl and mouth, but never brake the skin. he'll warn then walk. simple. this is a man who as a fucking husky as a dog and is worried about boof? yuh, makes that much sence to me as well.

this year started off hung over and spewing on the shower floor. just how i wanted it. after everything 2011 threw at me. at people i care deeply for. i needed to purge and clense myself of it. stupid but damn i felt better after it.

This year i'm studying. going to be taking the boys to play group and going to make myself better. i've got an aim to lose 10kg by the end of march. which i will do. and just make things i need to happen happen.

hopefully this blog wont be forgotten/neglected again. its nice to have a place to go BLEEEEERCH with it all. as sadly sometimes the spoken word cannot be erased and re-said.

And those who dont mind matter.

Dunno why but that phrase springs tomind.
Down the shops; at coles in town a stupid old batt commented on dj having two dummies. I smiled and said 'yep, its his thing.' No issue but the look of discust he had dummies was not a vailed one. Pitty I felt like being a cow ay? With ik n ear shot I commented to the lovely check out chick it shits me when people judge my son. Being disabled is one th ik ng but to be looked down on is pathetic, those who feel the need to do it. Stupid old bag. Only person in 4 months todo it and I wasnt ganna be nice.


Its been 6months and one day since the first fit. The fit that made my heart drop into my knees and cracked part of my soul. Its been 6 months of massive change. In three weeks it'll be 6months since the second fit, the icu trip, where part of my soul almost died.
Both of those fits had me on my knees. Litterly and metophoricly too. My mind begging a higher power to save my son, that his time on earth was not yet done. Pleading with dj to just breath, to not leave mummy and daddy, that I wwas not strong enough to say good bye. Screaming at my mother to 'shut the fuck up it may never be alright' in the early hours of the morning though tears that left me unable to breath. That left me hollow. Watching the sun rise, looking into the lightening sky and hearing 'lucy in the sky with dimonds' as a friend had passed away the same day as the night dj had his fit that empty feeling of a world shaken, rattled and rolled. Of a mother trying to find strength that I wasnt sure existed at that point. Im still looking for it.

And now I sit here as dj naps, vic crawls around, 300 odd km's away from where it happend, where the road took a turn that I never saw on this map of life. A hidden back road that is only dimmly lit, that I know i'll stumble and fall as I walk it. But each time i'll get back,up and dust myself off and keep walking into the darkness that is angelman syndro,e I will fight with every ounce of my being for dj. I wil learn to serive each fit, each hurdle. Each day.

one foot in front of the other. One foot at a time.

All right. its rant time.

I'm annoied.
annoied at some people on facebook. a dear friend of mine put up some *lovely* photos of her breast feeding her daughter (vics age) and her FAMILY told her to "put it away" or "take it down".
FUCK.OFF. kthxbai
no. really FUCK OFF. its her face book. its HER SPACE dont like it? stop fuckin' looking you stupid ass wiped old woman and sexualy driven young prick. yes. its a BOOB being used as intended. so get the fuck over it.

i'm also annoied at the universe it seems that DJ's "normal" for fits is up to 6 in 9 hours. yes. 6. with drugs. FUCK. its hard. seeing as im worried if we attempt a play group and i'm running after vic he'll have one and scare the shit out of some one. as him going a shade of gray, drooling and clicking would scare the shit out of any one. but me, DH and some other people who've seen it. yes. i know i'll have to deal with that. but right now its just FUCKED.
i feel shit for Vic as he gets minimal interaction with kidletts his age. why? 'cus of DJ and my fear of fits. plus me trying to run around both of them, honstly sucks dick. but i gotta do it. right? some how i will. FUCK.

Also the idea of not having any more babies kicked me in the guts two nights ago. i cried. in the woodshed. just cried. i know it sounds so utterly fucked after the last paragraph but i cant help it. i dont feel 'done' i want another. but DH has made the call. by about 80% the last of that will come after the genetic conunceling and we find out if its a freak thing or it could happen again. but i still want another baby. *head - fucking - desk* which hurts. I'm getting an IDU put in, in september. Joy. so that means at least 5 years of *hmmph* or i might just get the fuck over it. who knows (i say this as vic howls at the gate) but right now i want nother baby. i want to feel that rush of seeing those two lines. the first scan. the first movements the massove kicks, the big belly to rub. the labour pains, that bloody god damn'd "ring of fire" the first sight of the baby all goo'd up. the sleepless nights, the first's but sadly. i wont. as much as i want it i cant fucking have it.

...and the idea of a puppy..well...yes. not the same but we're looking. well i am. DH just has to agree LOL. I guess I also feel like I want a puppy so I have a compainion when things go boom. Like the other night. Dh couldnt understand how I wad so upset about no more babies. He didn't think I should be upset over it. But it was more I should be happy with what we have. Which I am. But I guess that I am but I still feel like im missing something. That hopefully will be mended by getting a pup. I know it sounds so horrid, and I guess selfishly shellow. But its all I can think of for now ya know? Plus I also want a...compainion who I can talk to and not worry about it being taken the wrong way. Iknow I have dh but sometimes he dosent want to hear whats weighing on my mind and I dont wanna post it here as its just too much ya know? Plus with dj it might help him too, as in a claming thing for us all. Im thinking about a foxie or a jackrussle...ive seen three forsale and I am soo tempted to call and see if they're still for sale...but...yeah...soo tempted. I'll talk to dh about it...wonder what he'll say...

Now i better go change the kids, dress them and go into town and do the shopping...who knows. maybe the fresh air will clear my head.

FUck i want a baby :(

Some things are just eaiser to ride out than fight...

I had the out laws here over the weekend. The anger isnt as strong as it has been. But they, mainly my father out law leave a bad taste in my mouth. Hes arrigont. He truely is. Telling me how to cook currys. Telling dh how to burn off and when ... IE not the middle of summer. The twat. I hate how he expects mil todo everything...i want to bitch slap him. Telling me how bad eating meat is. While I deal with dh's fussy tastes and aspireing vegitatianisum. Fil drilling it into me makes me wanna belt him! I love meat im not changing that. Simple.

Im also ticked as I have differing views in religion. Im not quite pagan but not christian eather. I have angel cards, tattow cards 'heart' cards. Books on witch craft (history) books on crystals (both types, useses and how to use) and a while lotta crystals, which my collection is always growing. But when the subject of religion/spiritual belifes is baught up I am told to pipe down by dh. In my own damn home as mil 'hates it' and is uneasy. Thanks for the support dh. Frankly u dont care I dont force them into doing shit all. I shoot them down when they talk of extreamests. But soon enough I wil
Be (hopefully nicely) telling them that they will need to understand that I see things differantly I always have I always will and frankly they can fuck off if they dont like it under my roof. I went to a christan school. But saw how..molded it was that you fuck up god forgives you ask, he dose. Sounds like a genie. But thats how I see it. I told mother out law i'd be getting a tatto after vic finishes feeding...the look priceless. But its not going to be some fiverless thing. It's going tibe the boys iniuals and birthdates with angel wings around dj's as hes got angel man syndrome. It sounds dumv vut I neec to feel the pain. As im trying hard not to cut. I need to replace it.

But other than that...this nut house is...kinda...ok.