And those who dont mind matter.

Dunno why but that phrase springs tomind.
Down the shops; at coles in town a stupid old batt commented on dj having two dummies. I smiled and said 'yep, its his thing.' No issue but the look of discust he had dummies was not a vailed one. Pitty I felt like being a cow ay? With ik n ear shot I commented to the lovely check out chick it shits me when people judge my son. Being disabled is one th ik ng but to be looked down on is pathetic, those who feel the need to do it. Stupid old bag. Only person in 4 months todo it and I wasnt ganna be nice.


Its been 6months and one day since the first fit. The fit that made my heart drop into my knees and cracked part of my soul. Its been 6 months of massive change. In three weeks it'll be 6months since the second fit, the icu trip, where part of my soul almost died.
Both of those fits had me on my knees. Litterly and metophoricly too. My mind begging a higher power to save my son, that his time on earth was not yet done. Pleading with dj to just breath, to not leave mummy and daddy, that I wwas not strong enough to say good bye. Screaming at my mother to 'shut the fuck up it may never be alright' in the early hours of the morning though tears that left me unable to breath. That left me hollow. Watching the sun rise, looking into the lightening sky and hearing 'lucy in the sky with dimonds' as a friend had passed away the same day as the night dj had his fit that empty feeling of a world shaken, rattled and rolled. Of a mother trying to find strength that I wasnt sure existed at that point. Im still looking for it.

And now I sit here as dj naps, vic crawls around, 300 odd km's away from where it happend, where the road took a turn that I never saw on this map of life. A hidden back road that is only dimmly lit, that I know i'll stumble and fall as I walk it. But each time i'll get back,up and dust myself off and keep walking into the darkness that is angelman syndro,e I will fight with every ounce of my being for dj. I wil learn to serive each fit, each hurdle. Each day.

one foot in front of the other. One foot at a time.

All right. its rant time.

I'm annoied.
annoied at some people on facebook. a dear friend of mine put up some *lovely* photos of her breast feeding her daughter (vics age) and her FAMILY told her to "put it away" or "take it down".
FUCK.OFF. kthxbai
no. really FUCK OFF. its her face book. its HER SPACE dont like it? stop fuckin' looking you stupid ass wiped old woman and sexualy driven young prick. yes. its a BOOB being used as intended. so get the fuck over it.

i'm also annoied at the universe it seems that DJ's "normal" for fits is up to 6 in 9 hours. yes. 6. with drugs. FUCK. its hard. seeing as im worried if we attempt a play group and i'm running after vic he'll have one and scare the shit out of some one. as him going a shade of gray, drooling and clicking would scare the shit out of any one. but me, DH and some other people who've seen it. yes. i know i'll have to deal with that. but right now its just FUCKED.
i feel shit for Vic as he gets minimal interaction with kidletts his age. why? 'cus of DJ and my fear of fits. plus me trying to run around both of them, honstly sucks dick. but i gotta do it. right? some how i will. FUCK.

Also the idea of not having any more babies kicked me in the guts two nights ago. i cried. in the woodshed. just cried. i know it sounds so utterly fucked after the last paragraph but i cant help it. i dont feel 'done' i want another. but DH has made the call. by about 80% the last of that will come after the genetic conunceling and we find out if its a freak thing or it could happen again. but i still want another baby. *head - fucking - desk* which hurts. I'm getting an IDU put in, in september. Joy. so that means at least 5 years of *hmmph* or i might just get the fuck over it. who knows (i say this as vic howls at the gate) but right now i want nother baby. i want to feel that rush of seeing those two lines. the first scan. the first movements the massove kicks, the big belly to rub. the labour pains, that bloody god damn'd "ring of fire" the first sight of the baby all goo'd up. the sleepless nights, the first's but sadly. i wont. as much as i want it i cant fucking have it.

...and the idea of a puppy..well...yes. not the same but we're looking. well i am. DH just has to agree LOL. I guess I also feel like I want a puppy so I have a compainion when things go boom. Like the other night. Dh couldnt understand how I wad so upset about no more babies. He didn't think I should be upset over it. But it was more I should be happy with what we have. Which I am. But I guess that I am but I still feel like im missing something. That hopefully will be mended by getting a pup. I know it sounds so horrid, and I guess selfishly shellow. But its all I can think of for now ya know? Plus I also want a...compainion who I can talk to and not worry about it being taken the wrong way. Iknow I have dh but sometimes he dosent want to hear whats weighing on my mind and I dont wanna post it here as its just too much ya know? Plus with dj it might help him too, as in a claming thing for us all. Im thinking about a foxie or a jackrussle...ive seen three forsale and I am soo tempted to call and see if they're still for sale...but...yeah...soo tempted. I'll talk to dh about it...wonder what he'll say...

Now i better go change the kids, dress them and go into town and do the shopping...who knows. maybe the fresh air will clear my head.

FUck i want a baby :(

Some things are just eaiser to ride out than fight...

I had the out laws here over the weekend. The anger isnt as strong as it has been. But they, mainly my father out law leave a bad taste in my mouth. Hes arrigont. He truely is. Telling me how to cook currys. Telling dh how to burn off and when ... IE not the middle of summer. The twat. I hate how he expects mil todo everything...i want to bitch slap him. Telling me how bad eating meat is. While I deal with dh's fussy tastes and aspireing vegitatianisum. Fil drilling it into me makes me wanna belt him! I love meat im not changing that. Simple.

Im also ticked as I have differing views in religion. Im not quite pagan but not christian eather. I have angel cards, tattow cards 'heart' cards. Books on witch craft (history) books on crystals (both types, useses and how to use) and a while lotta crystals, which my collection is always growing. But when the subject of religion/spiritual belifes is baught up I am told to pipe down by dh. In my own damn home as mil 'hates it' and is uneasy. Thanks for the support dh. Frankly u dont care I dont force them into doing shit all. I shoot them down when they talk of extreamests. But soon enough I wil
Be (hopefully nicely) telling them that they will need to understand that I see things differantly I always have I always will and frankly they can fuck off if they dont like it under my roof. I went to a christan school. But saw how..molded it was that you fuck up god forgives you ask, he dose. Sounds like a genie. But thats how I see it. I told mother out law i'd be getting a tatto after vic finishes feeding...the look priceless. But its not going to be some fiverless thing. It's going tibe the boys iniuals and birthdates with angel wings around dj's as hes got angel man syndrome. It sounds dumv vut I neec to feel the pain. As im trying hard not to cut. I need to replace it.

But other than that...this nut house is...kinda...ok.

Well its not too bad. We're above 4°c so thats always a plus. The fire has been going 4 days strait so the house is warm...ish. The floors in the kitchen/bathroom/4th bedroom are still freezeing though.

Bad things come in threes right?
1) djs 9 fits in 12hrs
2) our dishwasher leaking and unable to be used
3) our tree roots fucking next doors septic pipe.

The last one is bad. D was in last night for a shower. I expect his mum in tonight and maybe the old man k too. Thats if its not fixed. Hopefully it will be. Upside is we will take down a few of those shitty pine trees...i hate the ugly bastards. Plus now i've told dh they are bad spider colectors hahaha.

Its strange sitting here realiseing that although we've been here less than four months can see myself any other place. I feel at home. This is where we belong..

Sitting here I realise how fast time goes. Its not just with the boys growing up. Its everything looking at old photos. Mainly school ones. Like my high school formal ones. That was 5years ago. 5 whole years. Ive changed alot.

I guess also the realiseation i've known one of my best friends for 10 years makes me go o.0 too. I cant quite rap my head around it honestly. He's been there for me all thease years. He's like a brother to me n the person who I can talk to once in 6months and he still gets me. Which is incredable. Im so lucky to have him. I met him through an ex, when this ex bad mouthed him I bit him and drew blood. When that ex and I broke up the ex bad mouthed me G punched him in the gut. I'd smack any one in the face who put him down now.

I guess too im thinking about change. I have a bottle of hair bleech and a purple rinse sitting there. And im wondering if I change my hair again...or if I leave it. You see I do that when massive changes happen. Thus my hair went from between my sholderblade length to sholder length. Its currently a reddy brown. Im debateing going blonde again. I admit I do like playing up the ditz; from time to time only to run rings around people later. But thats not all. I guess I like the freedom of blonde. Ita easy to add colour to it. Its also a bitch to maintain.

I also want todo it as a way of copeing with vic turning one, djs fits and just finding me again. I know im a mum. But I guess I want more. I'd love to go back to work at some point. I thought of social work; perhaps in hospital or even in supporting other perants of speacial needs kids. Both 'regular' and the more rare types. Or even counceller for them. I know I need to give back to the community that is giving me so much at this point. Maybe be an ear for some one else...

So much to think about and day dream about. I might even look into tafe courses...maybe having some distance study will do the world of good for me...hmm...lets see if it happens

Vic's birthday went well. choc-ripple cake every where. made the day a blast.

every one showed up. even if DH did fight with D's mum about Mr old man next door comming - DH asked him behind her back. Oh well. they got along and we had a good time!

made me sad though. that my son is no longer a "baby" but near-er to toddler. my last baby. no more. end. bub-bye baby stage. i know i've been banging on about it but..i cant help it. maybe if i tell my self enough times it'll be REAL that i wont go though it again. i wont get to feel those first movements, those MASSIVE kicks. the sleepless nights. the labour the screaming baby...maybe i want it as BOTH my boys have been hospital babies i'll call them. i didn't take them home when i went. i didnt get that bonding time in hospital with them. i guess i want that part to go "right"
selfish i know. but maybe thats it.

Dj has been good over the weekend. no fits. seems to have settled into his new meds really well. which is a massive plus. i know i feel a little more 'at ease' about the whole thing - but im still dreading the next round of fits. as they sadly will happen.

with in me i've been flat.
well cranky.
you see bloody a/f wont fucking show up. i had two 21-on-the-dot-day cycles. now i'm upto week 4. BLAG and no i'm not UTD...i've tested once a freaking week. man she's an evil witch when she's wants to be. right? i want to start the mini pill so i can have some kind of "normaility" or at least half an idea when she'll rock up. as this isn't cutting the mustard with me. at all. stupid body. FAIL much?

now i just gotta pull my happy socks back up, un tie the knot in my knickers and get on with it. and hope a/f shows her self soon. then maybe we can talk, work it out and arrange a time of the month for her to arrive so save myself from going freaking batty!

i was sitting in SCN with vic, in his open "plastic bucket" dealing with a second time around trip in there. i was missing DJ, feeling VERY freaking sore (hello 9lb6.5oz baby coming OUT of my vagina at much too fast a rate) and trying to express into a little cup for vic.

6 months ago DH and I had bought our slice of hevean and where excitedly telling people about the up comming move and 'starting' to find out what was 'wrong' with DJ.

3 months ago we moved, having faced two massive seasures from DJ, one trip to ICU and the fucking move that was more fucked then...a something that gets fucked all the time.

and now. now i sit here.

The mummy to an Angelman child. the mummy to a "normal" child. a human who seems to attracted the rougher roads to walk. a woman whoes body failed. yep there i said it. Angelman is a maternal copy issue...FAIL. Vic was born 'sick'...again FAIL for my body. seeing a pattern here? good. 'cus i fucking well cant.
I wish my body would fail me. and not my kids.

I saw a GP wednesday. she booked me in with a gyno for september. to have the IUD put in thank christ for that. but until then take the mini pill. which is fine. she was shocked at the locoms comment about me birthing DJ at 19 being "too young" she was also shocked she commented on the age gap between me and DH. the cow she was (PMS any one?)
i've also been chucked on the 'wait list' for counceling too. so thats about 2-3 weeks away.

its taken me almost a week to post as DJ thought it'd be a smashing idea to have 9 seasures in just over 12 hours. i got to the point of "i cant do this at home" as the fits seems to be getting closer and closer together - with more sleep between them. id given all the drugs i could give. so 000 was called and DH went with DJ in the ambulance and i followed half an hour later with vic for a "changeing of gards" as DH is working so my folks drove from melb to look after vic. he had one more fit over night and that was it. so now he's on the max dose of keppra for his age/weight and the minum for his age/weight of eppilum who ever thought BRIGHT RED for that drug was nuts. its hard to get out of clothes! oh well. better that then i fit - right?

this weekend we have vic's first birthday. its scary as all fuck my baby is 1. and near to walking.

now i better go make this choc-ripple cake for him as it needs 24hrs to set ect!

We thought we had an idea of what and when to expect when dj would have a fit and when.
WRONG.
Last tuesday he had two while waiting to see a gp (for me) knocked it on the head with rivatril. Then sunday rolls around. From 6am til 6pm dj had 6 fits, by 9pm it was 8 we called 000 as the spacing was getting shorter and we'd hit the rivatril limit. Off to hospital. Called my folks they drove from melb up here to watch vic as dh had work monday so i'd be in with dj. The er was busy but not as bad as a city one. Off to the peads ward. Monday the look on our peads face seeing us there was priceless. We now have another drug to give with the keppra. Hopefully allowing dj to be stable. As right now he's not. And its hard. Sunday when dh went with dj I was so angry at life. Why my son needs to suffer. Why he has to be drugged up so...much so often. Its bullshit.
It ticked me off too a friend her son had a prolonged fit and she fully freaked out, which I get. But when I wrote dj was having cluster fits...she didnt give two shits. Nice.,i care about her but clearly im not worth the same.

I see the gp today, about counceling and contiseption too. Hopefully I wont want to snot her like I did the locum. I'll update about that later.

you never give me any warning....when you come undone...ohh its like a winters morning.....

Yep im listening to barnsy. Yep dh, dj and vic are asleep. And im wide awake.

Down loaded this song two days ago. Kinda by mistake. Kinda not. Listening to it now...i guess makes everything clear-er.

I know I cant win the fight with djs fits. I cant. We cant. How can we when we dont understand it. Angelman syndrome fully? Honestly? Im not admiting defeat. Hardly that. I will still be here fighting for dj. I'll always hold him while he fits. Comfort him comming out of them. I'll not run and hide as much as part of me wants to. I have to be. Thats what mums do. Dh working means its all me. Which is expected. I need to find my groove again. A new one that dosent have me on my knees begging that higher power to quit hurting me. My family. Those I love.

I need to find me. I need a battery recharge. An escape that leaves my body as is. Not adding to the scars I have. Thats hard as the hours dh works I get little time but again I need to make it work, some how.

I wish that I knew what I want to say. How to express it. My head has a million things running through it. But no words to allow it to flow...i feel worn. I feel older than 22. I guess im morning a life that could have been while trying to celibrate a life that is. Im trying to act as an adult when being faces with a reality that other adults seem to struggle with; alot. Yet im ment to breeze through it all? Not sure how I can; yet. Im sure once I see a shrink it'll be clear-er.

At the end of it all I have my boys. My dh. My life. But to live my life and not just exist it...well...i need help in that regard.

Bah. I went to the gp and all I can say is thank christ it was just a locum. Yes I was lucky to see a gp. BUT. Gotta love a but.
She was a freaking jugemental bitch. She commented 19 was too young to have kids. And my age gap with dh was too large! Fyck off love. I came to her for contriseption and a ref. To a counceller. Not to be told im wrong in my choices. Grrr. I go back wednesday. I'll talk to the normal gp and talk more about contriseption and what not. Then we can start sorting all the rest of this crap in my head out. And hopefully i'll get into a better head space...the first step is the hardest right?

Well things are on the up. Kinda. Dh has a job 7am til 3pm mon-fri. Down side its on the border, so almost an hour drive each way. But its money in the bank I guess. Im happy hes working, so is he. As I find him at home is a little....hmm...flustering seeing as he dose things when I tend the kids and in turn gets flustered I didn't do it before he did.

Dowb side is vics EDD is tomorrow. Joy. Kinda. No more babies. No more edds no more...of that kinda wait. No more labour pain, nothing. I love my kids but uern for another. Thus I post from the wood shed...my place to ponder listen and reflect. Strange I know. Im 22 and my oven duties are over. sad.

Tmi but the idea of an iud freaks me out. While I know its not 'forever' its still...there. What if it fucks up? Bah. Too scaryathought.
Tomorrow i'll talk to D's mum about gp's here. No offence but I dont want a quck fucking my vagina up, not after three stucks and no local. I'll kick some one in the face.

Vics edd tomorrow then 10days til my baby is one. Fuck me where did the time go?

The last three weeks have been nuttier then normal in this house.

We got the dog, tigger. Lovely dog. But sadly too much for us. He was a stray thus the idea of comming when called...wasnt his strong point. He also needed to be with some one all the time. We left him alone for 3hours he cried the whole time the poor thing. So we sold him, to a man with a female stagX. It broke my heart and still hurts. I grew up with a dog, and still want that for my boys. In a few months when dh finaly gets ajob we'll look again for a 'new' puppy. Not one thats an rspca one as tigger needed so much time, time that im lacking. While a new pup will as well it should also mold into our family life, which is up and down like dogs balls with dj mainly.

We also last week ventured into the big smoke; melbourne for a trip to the childrens for an MRI for dj.it came back 'normal' which is good. So now its just a matter of getting everything else going. We have our 'key worker' and a physio comming out tomorrow. Which is good. Dj is hopefully over the shit house cold he had. Which ment 4 days of 'high alert' for dh and I waiting for a fit thankfully which never came. The joya of angelman syndrome a weaker immune system.

Today I manged to smash the glass on our heater. Im still angry I tried to catch the wood with the door. So dh is getting that fixed along with applying for a job with an angancy in the next massive rural city north of us. So with any lucky he'll get one and go from there. He needs to. So we have ahope of making friends out side our slice of paridice.

D next door hasnt been around as much, with him working and all. I kinda miss that, as be sides him I see the old man k and dh, thats it. Kind of depressing thinking about it. Hopefully soon i'll go to a playgroup or something and meet other mums. Mind you D might come over soon as his ex gf is almost 20wks and finding out the sex...his current one has noo idea...should be interesting.

As for me i've had a rough trot. Selfharm included. But D now has my blades, after going through me about it. And reminding me I have two kids now its not about me I handed them over...dh found out later and wasnt too happy but we where fighting badly at the time...i've also gotta call and see about counceling...there are somethings that I need a 'safe' place to talk about.
That being said I also nees a gp so I can find out my options with regard to long term contrispetion. As im 22 I doubt i'd be up for tube tying or a like so an iud or merina or implation would be it. As my body goes FUCK YOU pill after 6 to 9 months. And with my cycle back to 21 freaking days, im over auntflow alredy! But again we'll see as I dont want to stop feeding vic til he's ready; ya know?

Now to go and wash some clothes and put away the rest...and some how stop beating myself up over the heater.

Some call it clenseing others hate it (well farmers do when ill timed) some fear it (qld floods).

For me its the first one. I find it clenseing. When baby bella passed two days later it rained. I spent near on two hours walking in it. The sting of it. The chill. The way it seems 'pure' made my soul weap unshead tears, masking those that where. To see rain is one thing to walk in it another.

In year 11 I had a good friend whoes world was 'falling down' I walked to his house in the pouring rain and home again. I felt clenesed after it. Like all the negative thoughts he had shared with me where gone. Washes back unto the earth where they belonged.

In year 9 we had a duckling stuck in my folks pool, I almost dived in (mid spring) to get it out as I was already drowned from a spring shower.

Its pouring here now. And honestly if it wasnt for the lightning i'd be out there now in my shitty jeans and singlett. Trying to wash the pain, the hurt and the anger that resides in my chest. From all the outlaws have said/done and their actions. To make the pain of bellas passing duller. To wash my scars of their pain. To heal again. To do that all sounds so...strange but in the past it has worked. My soul seems to need a shower from mother earth to wash the dust that father time leaves behind.

To feel the rain, when at times thats all I could feel; brings back memorys both bitter and sweet. To have that chill of the wind while the rain beets down seems to recharge the souls batterys, to face the next round of battles, with stamminar and might.

Tomorrow we pick up tigger. Tomorrow it starts again. Tomorrow will be better....sun shine after the rain...

Who ever penned that idea was a fool.

I started to blog in the wee hours of sunday. But kinda stopped as dj had one of 6 fits all up in my arms. A trip to the hospital with one ambo who made me feel dumb for calling later and we have another drug to give dependant on the type and length of fit.

Sunday night I cried until I couldnt breath. I was so angry that my baby boy has to suffer through the fits. Angry I cant fucking stop them angry life took my baby bella. And just pissed off. I wished dh was there to hold me when I fell apart. I wanted and needed some one but history repeats and I couldn't call any friends. I was alone. Me, my thoughts, my escape. I didn't cut as much as I craved it. As much as I yerned to feel something I didn't. I just cried. Poor vic didn't know which way to go. But I felt kinda healed after it. Alone but healed.

my folks came up yesterday and went home today. I missed them, I felt better seeing them. We also baught a dog. A boy we've called tigger. I wish we'd called him rex...ya know the whole 'sick 'em rex' from the ants pants add? But hes a stag hound cross (we guess grayhound or whippit) but his eyes are so I guess soft. He was ok with djs flapping and vics crying. Hes an RSPCA dog. Hes 5ish months old and in need of some nut house lovin'. We pick him up monday. Good in a way as we need to fence the house yard off and buy bowls/ collar/ bedding and toys. He looks willing to train too which helps as I hate badly trained dogs. My bol's dogs are poorly trained. Would not trust them at all. But i'd not leave tigger with the boys eather.

D is getting a female pup it seems already up the duff he suspects. He picks his up tomorrow. So i'll be puppied out.

I grew up with dogs so to have my own means alot. I've told dh i'll be walking tigger on his own for a few days then try him on the lead with the pram. I see tigger as my baby. Seeing as I wont have anymore human ones. Im crazy right though. Two under three, one cat, one dog, 5 chooks....with more to come!<

And nearer to Inside out.

Is where I am....floating. The all too real side of bellas passing is here. One of the kids toys, crulely sounds like her bell. Each time its moved I think; fleetingly its her. Then turn and look out the window and see the rose bush with a single bud on it and know that reality truely sucks. My heart is sore now, its brused but some how its in once peace. Kind of. Part of it is under that rose bush, with the single bud, the rest some place with in the relms of my chest. Brused that some of it was ripped away. Yes I wont deny I felt baby bellas time was soon to be up. But that warning givea false hope of coping. Something I struggle with; often.

Today I cracked. I walked for over an hour in the rain and threw some fucked up shit that nicked my finget full pelt at the floor followed with a 'fuck you' so it knew I was angry. I laid into the punching bag. Sweat for tears blood for heart ache. The cold air stung as did the grind of mud on my knuckles as I punched it after kicking it til my legs hurt. But I wanted pain, needed it, deserved it. To feel is to live and the past few days I have died inside. I needed to live again. My anget will no doubt come back. But I can walk through that. Walking is my escape now. Hopefully I can use that not cutting. But I cant promise anything. I need only let myself down.

Hopefully tomorrow d will take me to walk the paddoc if not show me how to sharpen my knives and get me over the fear I have of them. I want to bounce some ideas off him and see what he thinks. Plus find out if he knows of any puppies being born soonish so I can start looking. For one. Selfish I know but I need an animal to get by...seeing as I have few people who I can easily cry around. Hell the meer sight of d's truck made my eyes dry before I could cry.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better in the words of jordan sparks
'take one step at a time there is no need to rush....its like learning to fly or falling in love itsganna happen when its suppost to happen '

As maybe I'll more than nothing.

Which is something. Dh knows I cut. I told him when he told me I didnt care about baby bella and I was shellow. Nice huh? Cus im not in a heap because im not fucking crying on and off im shellow. Yet his reaction to me cutting? Dont let the kids see. Nice. I hide it for week so not even HE knows. Its how I deal with shit. If I wasnt still feeding vic i'd have got (or booked one in) a tatto..of two B's back to back as a butterfly on my left sholder blade. Tattos hurt just what I need. Pain. Make me feel alive. Dh also had a shot at me because I looked at dogs. Two days after bella passed. I need an animal compainion, or else I flounder. Sad but true. I still feel empty. I watched baby bella fade away to nothing. I held her lifeless body. My baby muss died. My heart is numb.

Yes I looked at pups. Maybe im wrong maybe selfish. Dh is geiving too. I think he expects me to behave as he is but I cant. I grive in strange ways. My heart is jaded my soul more battered and brused then even he knows. Yet i am selfish. Now I wait until he is ready. Which fucking.makes me angry. I am alone with out a compainion.hes not. Fair much?

thats me now. hollow.
i cant seem to get in touch with that little thing called emotion.
its run and hid its self and turned off its phone. nice. DH has been good. he's going "though" it all. while i'm a spectator. my soul is tired. my heart yerns to ache.

last night i drank a little. not much. nothing. there goes hoping boose would bring it out. numb. it was cold, wet and windy last night and all i could think was i wish i could hold baby bella and warm her up. i know i/we chose the 'best' thing for her. but its fucked up for me. while i know people lose other people. i've lost my fur baby. the first pet i ever had. my baby muss, who i staied at my BOL's place (while DH rented it) over a night to help her settle in. the cat i held for hours while i cried because of all the other bullshit happening. the cat who i'd do anything for. and i did that. i chose to let her fall alseep rather then suffer. but now i suffer. sucks dogs balls huh?

in other news, which is TMI for...well...every one. aunt fucking flo showed up toboot. which i'm pissed off about. mainly as aren't women ment to go all hormonal and emotional around it? and i'm fucking not? talk about another blow. why the hell cant i FEEL something? i want to. i am so, so near to doing something that will end up with DH finding out about the cutting tis not funny (and no i dont mean taking my own life, i mean cutting again. D finding out then telling him) which makes me annoied. and in a way angry. that part of me wants to turn to that again. which is fucked up in its self.

i wanted to go for a walk today but its cold and wet. which doesn't bother me in the slightest. i'd rather enjoy a walk in the rain. but seeing as the boys would be with me i need to give it a miss. maybe later tonight or something i'll go for a walk. on my own and feel the sting of the freezing air on my face and hands. and with any luck the rain will come down too. maybe then i'll feel something. something other then nothing.

heres hoping tomorrow my friend Miss L comes over. maybe then something will be triggered and i'll just cry and let it be done with. i want to feel something...anything...fuck the inability not to. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Maybe tonight i'll be bloodied and brused knuckles and sweat for tears for my baby muss...i can only hope can't i?

the unknown is now the known.

Baby bella was put down thismorning. the vet was a no bullshit type. just how i like them. he said he felt a lump. it wasn't constipation it was a growth but we could do tests to find out. but seeing my baby like that. broke my heart. she was my baby.

this will be a long post.

when we got bella it was '07. after we'd lost a cat in september '06. she'd picked us. at the RSPCA she cruled up in to DH's arms. then mine. i was sold. she was our baby girl. my cat.
thats the first photo we took of her. she chose us

in four years she's been a wonderful cat. been very,very loyal. she has always been "there" she's shown she was a a charitor of her own. she could hear a tap being turned on from out in the yard. she loved dripping taps. i have a short video of her running from inside to the hose out side for a drink. she would often sneak into the bed, putting her cold nose on any exposed skin on your back. she'd then wake you up with her purring. when i was up the duff with both boys she snuggled up under the bump. and over it while i was carrying Vic as a bump

she was always there. and now. she's not. my baby girl was wrapped up in a white cloth. and laid to rest. her collar is hanging from the wire fence behind her. tomorrow i find some wood and make a cross.

Bella will always be my baby girl. my first "own" pet. now my first angel.

my heart is numb. slowly i'll let the hurt out. and it will be slow. bella was my baby before the boys. she was mine. she made my days bighter when they seemed to dark. she would only let me roll her on her back and pat her tummy. no one else. she would always bug me for ham when we had it. she hated the car thats why she got the front seat on our trip up north here. she made me happy. now all i want to do is not cry but hurt because she's gone.but i'm numb. if some one was to rip open my chest and yell, they'd get an echo. thats how hollow i feel right now. numb, hollow and like part of me is missing. how can the sliance be so...profound when i have noise. i have DH i have the boys. but not bella. and it fucking shits me. yes i know she was a pet. not a human but it fucking hurts. DH seems to be able to flow with emotion yet i'm frozen. fuck this shit. i want to scream and cry and be angry at this world but i cant. i sit here like "well shes not in pain" yet I AM. fuck. i miss my baby girl. i miss her alot. but something isnt letting me feel this pain. FUCKFUCKFUCK. tonight the punching bag will cop it sweet. here is to brused and bloodied knuckles and sweat for tears. thats all i can offer baby girl. mumma is hurting but she wont let it out yet. soon baby girl soon.

Travel safe sweet baby girl.


Mumma will always love you. dont ever, ever forget that sweet baby girl.

Is for all intent and purpus a normal thing.

Any mother will tell you this. It starts with the fear of pregnancy. The unknowns. The 'is this normal' and often yes it is normal to have a watermellon in your pelvice while you have a foot kick boxing your sternim. Then we have labour fear of the unknown. And again yes it is normal to scream you cant do it whilest said watermellon is being smashed through your pelvice. And yes it is normal that you shudder when the hind waters come splattering over your feet. Then we have being a mother. The fear of 'am I doing this right' most of the time yes you are. Sometimes you might re-think it as a no. but at the time yes, you did. I still havent got to the teen years so ask me in ten years, ok?

Right now the fear I have of the unknown is with baby muss bella. She's sick. Took her to the vets three weeks ago...sadly shes not got better. Dh and I are both worried she'll be put down. My head isnt letting my heart brake. If it brakes then i'll spiral downwards. But I also guess it gives me a reason to brake down. Sad isnt it? I hope baby muss is ok, shes my cat. One who used to snuggle under the bump both times while I carried the boys. She never left my side when I laboured for over 24 hours at home with dj.

I talked to D about my cutting. He asked if i'd done it again. I said no and he said good if I do cut again he'll tell dh. Which while I respect I did tell him it would be the quickest way to make me run and hide it all again and just shut down on the whole. Hopefully I wont cut again though. Its not what I want, or need. But i'd rather cut to live then strive to die. Morbid I know. But its my way if copeing.

Now I better call the vet and see if we can get in....

Fail.

My unlaws are still here. They got here at 3pm. Dh, thankfully took them on a drive for an hour and a half/ two hours. That ment two strong bows and a shot of jimmy for me. Yes I found solace in the bottom of a green bottle. Also one phone call to my folks and my 'brother' G I was ok. They got home dinner was ready, served it by 8 30 I was taking the bins out and called G again and he made me laugh. God I needed it. My father unlaw bearly uttered two words to me. The bastard. He spent more time with the fucking CATS then with dj or vic. Which really gets my goat. My kids come second to a cat? Nice. My father unlaw has some nerve.

Haven't seen d for a few days. Hes started footy so plaied saterday recovered sunday and well his girlfriend was over last night....i think I heard noises I didn't want to last night. Oh well I'll just have to buy him (or her, lol) a gag...somethings you just dont need to know! Hopefully d will come finish the remaining three fruit trees (i think we have two more but meh) then I can hopefully have a lend of a small roatary hoe and get my veggie patch happening! All though knowing my luck it'll be more fail then function. But I can try.

Things with dh have eased. Im still hurt with some of the things he said, time heals all wounds...or something. I think dh realised I opened up to d (as dh still knows nothing of the cutting) about how I felt because he didn't ask one thing 'are you ok?' D did. Dh also admited he couldnt deal with me if I said I wasn't ok. But he'll have to learn to deal with it. Two years I have delt with alot on my own, and now I need to lean on him. D has a better grasp of what im feeling. He has self harmed in the past.

Hopefully this week i'll get new cd, a county and western one.

Now to go and clean so I can hide from my unlaws...who will hopefully fuck off sooner rather then later...

But it could well be mistaken for antartica right now.

Its fucking cold. The fire is going but I leave 'my' chair and it feels cold! Now I dont often complain about such things but f-u-c-k me it is. Its still foggy out and late showers or something...who knows. They said rain last week...it didn't happen.

Tomorrow is mothers day. Joy. Raputre. The fucking unlaws are comming. Now they dont seem to twig ita mothers day, which is fine but I care. Alot. My birthday fell amoung the rubble of the move. So mothersday was ment to be 'it' but sadly it wont. I'll be cooking and cleaning for the unlaws on my fucking day. (angry much?) Plus the gift I want I cant get due to stock issues until mid june. Hmmph. So I asked dh if we could go to the rspca and look at puppies. He said we can look but not buy. Another hmmmph. As I want a dog but due to dh and all his 'i have todo this before I get a job' bullshit I have to wait even longet for a dog i've wanted for...before we got married!

Now I know its selfish I know we have two cats, two kids, and to adults in our house but I was raised with a dog, two in my teen years I want the same for the boys. Plus I guess I need an excuess to go for a walk on my own too...also something to talk to that loves me no matter what its about. I guess too when dh eventually goes back to work a compainion for me too. Plus whats another bed warmer?

I know my father unlaw will have something to say if we bring up dogs i'll be tempted to say we're going toget the same kind of pup that d is getting, a wolf hound cross so its back sits hip hight. Its head at my belly button. That'd be interesting to say the least.

We've been here 6 odd weeks and it feels like forever. I could not go back to what we had before it was slowly killing me, and dh too. Yes we have fought more and I have cut but thats the ripple affect from it I think. I know I need to change things and I think dh is realiseing he needs to as well. Plus he has to realise that when hes at work the people who live on our road are going to be the....staple of who I see. Unlike in the 'burbs where I might have seen next door once every two weeks here its once aday. I dont mind it. I enjoy it. Dh I think has realised this now. My family are all 3 odd hours away. So the people on our street, they are taking their place for me. A community feeling, something I have longed for, for so so long

Thats how cold it is here this morning. Now im not one who 'feels' the cold. But fuck me dead and call me cleopatra ita cold thismorning! I know its cold as I started to lose feeling in my hands. So im guessing around 2°c . But im a feak and I like it. I feel alive. Yes thay extream feeling makes me feel alive. I'd go for a walk but its too cold for the boys. The feeling of braking the frost and of watching the sun evaporate the frost as it melts.

Ive got one fruit tree left to prune. D has done the others, so im going to try and prune this last one, with out killing it...should be interesting. I've also got to dead head some roses too...which will be fun seeing as they seem to have massive fucking thawns on them. Which means my secitors might be rebroken...plus I want to attack some shrubs with a hedger, if my dad brings his up when they come in over a months time. As its really bugging me!

heres hoping it warms up so the clothes I was dry, not snap freeze

The tough beat the fucking daylights out of their punching bag and FAIL in an epic way. We're talking one bloody knuckle one really brused/swollen one and a badly brused shin!

The last few days have been fucked. Little sleep lots of fights and now im tired. Things arent always smooth in my house. Dh is ten years older then I so his view on the world is I guess jaded. Where as mine is not so much. He has issues which it seems I am often a trigger for. But we manage. Most of the time.

In past relationships its been the same I am the trigger. I try to cerb that as much as I can but often fail. But thats me.
The move has been a blessed curse. We are STILL sorting shit out from it. Ive found a friend in D but as i've said dh and he clash. But for the first time dh has backed off. And not telling me to stop the contact. He did that with all the other male friends I had, bar one who is my 'brother' D has issues as do I. We kind of 'get' each other. Dh and I once did too, then it changed. I think now dh is seeing that. I too am at fault but its how i've made it through dj's first two years.

I am not proud to say it but I have started to cut again. But right now its all I have. I'll say it now but I dont wish to end my life ; at all. I harm myself as my way of protecting others. I hurt so you dont. Simple really. Its alot easier to see it that way. I cut, I bleed so that the people around me are happy. I hadn't cut in over 4 years. So last night I was at the end of the line. Again im not proud but I did it, I nees to own it. Its a hard thing cutting. For me at the time I am so, relived after I cut. Im human again. Then comes the sting of it. The shame. And then hideing it. So maybe throwing out here will...some how ease it all. I hopefully wont get to that point again, you'd think after all I have delt with a simple fight with dh would be nothing...clearly a fail. I haven't told dh. I dont want him to feel guilty about it...no point in two of us kicking our selfs

Othet then that things are good. There is more 'country quiet' at night its more sheeps in the padoc over the road, distant shots being fired, a bull squeeling; again, leaves russeling...and an over night low of 0 rearing her ugly head..

Is non existant.

I sit here (on my phone) listening to this much i'll say raved about country 'quiet' and giggle to myself. I have my rooster crowing, next doors plus the other next to them crowing. Plus the sheep next door bleeting some honry bull squeeling and cows mooing too. Add in the cockies and sparrows and its not 'quiet' hell I might even hear a tractor too.

But it is quiet, for me. No squeeling car tyers, waiting for that almighty 'thud' no engines reving no horns beeeeeeeeping no one yelling.

Its been quiet here since we arrived. well minus a few loud songs from me. Its why we moved. We found our dream, i've found a place I fit in. I am content. Dh is looking for work, being annoyingly fussy I might add, he's not worried. But I am. But thats my job.

We had the bonfire and I burnt my burn box, man it felt good. I showed D a photo I had in there and he chucked it in for me. My here and now throwing out my past. Nice. I just wish it didn't sterr the emotions it did. My knuckles are stiff thismorning my legs brused. As,i forgot kicking a punching bag with ones shins HURTS. But im all good. No doubt with my pain in the ass inlaws comming i'll use it more, forgiven but not forgotten.

the otherday I helped d out, splitting wood. I throw like a girl, I also take the easy way when chucking wood out of the back of the ute, aka kicking it out!

Ohh I also think I know what im getting for mothers day! A pink (blarg) toolkit. I dont like pink but if it stops dh taking my tools...win ha ha ha.

Now I should go let the chooks out...they are my minions they follow me around the yard...i could take over the world!

dust to dust.
a burn box is a must.

Today, hopefully we'll have our bonfire. to most people out here its a 'normal' thing. to us its like WHOLEY SHIT BATMAN WE CAN BURN STUFF...AND ITS LEAGAL"

to me its also a little bit of "thank god i can burn this shit and fuck it off out of my life" as i have a not so nice past. that well parts of this will be printed (and added to) and burned. for that final "fuck you" to it.

i'm 22. i've finished having babies. yes, DH has made the call. but its "all over red rover" for me and my uterus which honstly? sucks. yes there i said it. i'm pissed off.
i thought DH and I would have three babies. but with DJ and his Angelman thats been made a reduntent idea. much like my uterus. the idea of dealing with a rough start i am some what used to. the idea of being in hospital for two weeks. seems a bit "meh" but i'd deal. i can deal at home. yes while DH is home i struggle as both the boys are fighting sleep (thus i am blogging and DH and taken them fro a drive) but with him home its worse. as they can be in a 'good mood' until such time as i choose to ninja my way out of the room to do some from of cleaning/tidying/putting away then we have two banchees. well one. the other follows as a brotherly thing. DH never sees the latter. thus thinks its "easy"

I'm pissed off at my inlaws. they where comming wednesday/thursday but NO they're FUCKING COMMING MOTHERS FUCKING DAY. yes MY FUCKING DAY. MINE. my birthday fell in the middle of the move. so mothers day was MINE. but now. now i dont even get that. i have to be all fucking nice and friendly. cook and clean for two people who have crossed that many lines with me its not even funny. but its DH mum and dad, so i will bite my toung until i have a mouth full of blood. then spit it whilest their backs are turned.

im angry at myself. im sitting on 85kg. i want to be 10kg lighter. yes im stil "over weight" i have been for a long time. i want it GONE. and my strechies too.

now...to finish this and print. then BURN. time to start a fresh. now...where to find that smudge stick...i'll need it for next week...

No, vic is not walking; yet.

Thinking about things. With dj we go one step forward then when we try to bring the otherfoot up we slip.

Its always been the way though. We thought his relux was under control at 6months only for it to come back with vengance. We thought he was just delayed, but its soo much more than that. Sometimes we think his sleep is getting better only to have two or three sleepless nights and we're back where we started. And its not easy, its fucking hard. I love dj with all my heart and soul but its hard. Most mothers would just tell me to let him cry it out, but the danger in that would be that he could hyperventilate and thus have a fit. Plus I dont like that idea; at all. Drug him up, is another but again we risk a fit.

Dj is not a normal child. His sleeping sucks. But his smile, well thats a whole new ball game.

I do not begruge him for it, nor blame him or even I for it. I just deal with itt. I deal with the 'looks' from strangers, hell even family. But I live with that each day.

In other news d 'put me to work' when I went over to talk to him about some....drama happening in his life at the moment. I got to use an electric wood splitter that a snail could out run (but has a 4tonne crush-er-thingy on it) followed by unloading (or helping) unload the tray of d's ute only to pack it again. Ohh and I throw like a girl too. Which I knew. But I got a brake from the boys (sleep is clearly not a priority at the moment) and help sort d's head out...but he did drop off more wood, which will cost us almond bread. Or what ever cake I bake and he grazes on. I told him hes a thrid child. He asked where to leave the washing!

Dh is now looking for a job, which is good and bad. Good he will have $$ comming in. bad i'll be on my own more. Hopefully with more of a constant rythem i'll get back on track of house work and start to work the garden out too. Ohh and also save some $$$ for a new chook shed. The current one is shitted on and like every other fucking post the people before us laid, its fucking cock-eye'd or bowed! I think some one was drunk putting them in. but I think chris working will be good way to meet more locals too. More so for him as i'm happy with d, flo, ken and bob. In time i'd like to meet other familes. But explaining djs....predicerment well...is not easy. Nor easy to understand eather.

This week ahead I have my inlaws comming again. Dh seems to think they are a little more...understanding now. But im still raw N told dh I will need a brake from them...next time i'll be ok. But this time nope.

I guess I should also put it out there that we wont be having any more babies. Dh has said no. so here I sit trying hard to deal with it. While I fully understand why, my uterus beggs to differ. Ive told dh that i'll be getting more animals to settle my cluckyness down. I may look into native animal rescuce or alike so I can have 'babies' even if not human ones.

So this weekend means alot of planning...fun and games it will be...i wonder if I can get a lamb or other fluffy baby....

I sit here blogging as a free woman. One who has the right to free speech, to education to choose my path in life.

I am a product of those before me and apart of those to come. Today, april 25th I remember those who fought and still fight for my freedom and for the freedom of others. I think of them, those who came home; changed from the ravages of war(s). Those whoes families where raveaged by the war(s). For those who did not return. The mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters who did not return or those mothers and fathers who lost sons and daughters. Both physicly and mentily. I remember those who gave their lives fighting those who gave the, saving others. Those who could not return whole.

As a mother, a wife, a sister. I feel it more then I have in years passed. Perhaps its because I have my sons, my dh who could (if the boys where older) be ripped from my arms and sent to fight some one elses war. To have to servive my children would shatter my soul, allowing a pain no mother or father should think of let alone feel in. the men and women who died fighting for us where sisters, daughters brothers and sons. Not just names on a list. Both my grandmothers lived through war. Rashion cards, hand to mouth. They lived it. Yet wr complain we dont have enough?

Today I think of those men and women who fought for us. Gave their lives for us. Gave their minds too for us. I morn their passing, I honer their spirit. I ask they love and guide those fighting for us, for others for freedom. That they give them safe passage, that they not join their ranks.

Lest We Forget.

Smell the roses and chances are it'll trigger a thought, a memory. Good or bad it triggers something. Maybe hay feaver for some.

Smell in its self be it roses, stale ciggiret smoke, a house, a person, that anti bactiral shit they use in hospital. It is a trigger.

Our baby muss, bella is at the vets. The smell reminded me of what we went through with cougar last year, the fear of not knowing. The fear of him not comming home. In part I felt this with bella. I told dh if she needed to be made an angel muss she would be buryed here at home under some kind of rose. But at this point; and all things point at this stage to she'll be home tomorrow. Which is fantastic but thr smell, even though its a whole new vet remained the same.

Then while in town I went to woolies and the smell reminded me of my days as a deli bitch. (yes that was the depts. Nick name) the easter slog we suffered through. The rudeness of people. The excitement on the kids faces, filled with the thought of a giant bunny leaving them eggs. Some how oblivius to the eggs on shelves around them.

Another smell was that of stale ciggie smoke. D is a smoker same smell when he's around. Part of me tenced up waiting for some smart ass comment to come flying out. The other part of me started thinking of retorts. Then thoughts went back to what he said Bout baby bella muss. Posioning. Its not but I did worry. Then I thought about death again. But was soon distracted by easter eggs.

Then a little bit later I smelt what dh used to smell like. Lynx. I thought about the start of our relationship how we never expected to be where we are now. Two boys, one always an angel, never to be a 'grown' man. We have part of the dream, the rest to follow. Not that I can complain. We have more then others. We have each other. Our own funny stories. Two being our first kiss -main highway on a saterday. The second being me flicking a spoon (like an arm of a catapolt) full of cream onto dh's nose in the middle of a starbucks I think it was.

And now we have herd and now. The smell I have now is soft wood smoke crossed with some shitty perfume, the only one I own. Tomorrow will hopefully mean a trip to town, not that I mind..i just wish I owned a nice perfume...maybe then i'd trigger some ones memory about me...the way those strangera triggered mine about dh.

Can bloody wait.
Yes I should be doing all things house wifey but meh. House work is never done, its good friday so im going to relax, slightly.

This is the first easter in this new house of ours (its slowly becomming ahome) the fire going dj crawling around like a mad man, vic semi asleep.dh working outside on somethimg undoubtly man-ly. And im here thinking about the easters of my not-that-long-ago child hood. The 4am starts when we went to southern NSW. The pickled onion eating with my nan. Getting there at mid day...a few dayslater the smartie eggs....id eat all mine in one hit and promptly throw it backup. Then as we got older it was philip island we went to. Some ways its like here. Fire going and all. The egg hunt. Not so much vomit from me. Then at some point I became an adult and the easterbunny (along with santa and the tooth farie) became childhood memories. Howd that happen? 11 years ago I was 11...a child. Now im 22 and have my own. Scary.huh?

Life seems to fly past. Too fast. Try to take as many photos of the boys and dh as I can. But never enough. This time last year I had a beautiful bump. Now I have saggy skin and a near-er than i'd like to one son. I know i'll always rememberparts of the boys childhood but not all. I find that sad.

I guess I also realise that there will come an easter and a christmas with out my nanna or gran there...my nanna is 90 my gran 85. Its a scary and sad thought to have, but I guess being away from.family is like that.

The next few days will be full of cleaning.and baking. I have an aunt, uncle and maybe some cousins comming across from the north west, for my cousins other halfs easter doo...yes that is how 'extended' my family can get. More so when I start on family who is only related via marrage! But they may be comming sunday for some 'burnt snags and old bread' which is nice. One thing i'll say is my family will always find time for each other, or find away to pop in...my request is 20mins warning to clean both myself, the boys and the house up.

So with d gone for a few days it should be quiet here. We may see k and maybe d's mum sunday but thats it. Not that I mind..some time with dh beford he finds and starts a job will be nice...it will be lonely with out dh home I admit. But I feel like I can take pride in this home. The only down side is my fil and mil are comming on the 4th for a night. I told di'd be saying hi that night...yes i'm ok with mil and fil but still raw from what happend so distance will be needed.
hopefully a quiet drink with d will happen, win win I guess...

Now I better tackle mount wash dry fold put away more before it eats me.

Happy easter. Be safe.

Well thats what I think.

Four weeks ago we moved to our tree change. At 8:20pm we opened that front door, fumled around for a light and with finding that switch we found our new life. Which has been up and down. But we could not move back to the 'burbs.

In four weeks we have made some friends perhaps me more than dh. D has been in and out but has popped off for 4nights wild pig hunting which is 5 hours drive away. Which today I was asked if he calls out for a coffee would I drive to give it to him, I told him I think not he's not dh! But he has been an interesting person, glad that dh and I are friendly. His mum is a nice woman, shes the strait shooting type. But I get on with her. Then we have the old man k who d and his mum live with and look after. A bloke who I admit seems a tad...odd. But still he trys.

The boys have ajusted really well. They love the space in the house and just the whole change in living place. Even though dj did go into hospital last week for more seasures (8 all up) he seems ok now. Vic is cruseing around the coutches and walking pushing the bouncer or abox around. Scary as dj is two and not yet walking. Vic is also more vocal then dj is too.

This weekend is easter slash anzac day. Strange really. Cant help but feel a smidge strange. The whole idea that one day we stuff our faces with chocolate then two days later we pause to remember those who fell so we could celibrate it juxterposition much? I guess im happier to celibrate easter as its baced around pagen rights...

Speaking of paigan I have made up my mind that i'll refocus myself this year. I need to. With all i'll need to face with dj I need something to fall back into so I have the strength to keep my head up. Which as a mumma I will.

Now to go and see if vic will sleep in his cot while I work out eggs fooor sunday, I think it is..

I dyed my hair today...nothing epic, just made it •Almost• One colour. But I needed it. Im cant sugar coat it....i felt old.i felt (still do) frumpy and just blerg.

It stemmed from going through clothes my mother gave me. Now I have profressed before to being far from a skinnie minnie. But my mother has a warped sence of size. You see post birth with vic my weight hovered around 97kg. I aint proud of it. But I was a size 18. The clothes mum gave me? 22. Over size tops I dont mind. But pants? Way togo mum. I felt like shit. I was feeling ok but now I look at my body in the mirror and chringe. I see the faults that she has pointed out. I see this thing...how the hell dh finds me attractive I dont know. I still have at least 15kg to. I know I need todo it for my boys. But part of me want to show my mother i'm not her and I can do it.

Other then that dj has been good. 'stable' for a week. Thats ok. I'll freak at 3 weeks then again at 6 weeks. Seeing dj fit isn't a massive shock the fear creeps in when dealing with it alone. I can only follow the ambos...when vic gets older...how to explain it all...ohh dear...

caught up with D last night. Seems tuesday is beer night, which is fine by me. He's such a big talker. But thats him. He makes me smile. I guess for the first time I feel I have a friend...sad aint it? I guess my past is all I tell him not what others do. I think that is a two way street.

Dh has started building some stuff to put up roller doors on the shed. Hopefully he'll be in soon. It wont be long before he gets a job again. The house will seem quiet with out him. Til we get a puppy that is...when ever that is.

I thought i'd write as I thought about this. The two manly men I seem to now have in my little world. (number) one is dh. The man who i've been with 5 and a bit years have two human babies with two fur babies and a tree change with. A man who is...more city then country at this stage. He likes computery things and well I guess 'cleaner' things. A bloke that I love to the moon and back and cant see myself with out him (naww hear the romance!) We have faught tooth and nail tobe here. I slammed a girl into a wall over it, if I did it again it'd be done harder.

Then we have new commer d.
He's country. No iffs or butts there. He'll shoot anything that moves, drinks good 'ole VB and well lets just say he aint shy in comming forward. He smokes and swears but under it all isn't that rough. He's opened,up to me and all I can do is try and keep it open. He can also chop wood and jump the fence (when sober) and see my white legs through the pine trees; with out skipping a beat hang it on me from the other side. Joy.

Both of thease men are manly. I love dh. I respect (most of the time, lol) d. Today dh started putting a stero in d's ute as thanks for the wood he put in our shead. I could see the manlyness clash. D has issues with people doing things he cant that amounts in anger or today pushyness. Dh can do it but takes his time, but is ruffled easy(er) the more prolonged it is. They managed a solid 7 and a bit hours together. Both glad when 5pm hit. I was too but due to other reasons.

Dh and d I doubt will ever have a fluid (??) Relationship. They are in some ways far too simmlar. Where as I can ebb and flow between them. All though I admit seeing a country boy has had me raiseing an eyebrow - what else can one do when they jump a colourbond fence? But I'd still take dh home with me.

I know it'll sound morbid but the 'what if dh dies' thought has run through my mind. The idea of leaving this house of our dreams seems impossable. Then the idea of me leaving the boys, again heart braking. Not something to dwell on though. Not now. Perhaps not ever.

So my two manly men are just that. D I consider tobe a brother type he hangs shit on me and a fling it right back. I know if I need him for the time being he's there. That if something happens to dj again he's there. Which is a comfort.
But I also know that day in day out dh is here. The warm arms to snuggle into to hold me when I can no longer stand alone. The one who even if I look like a dogs brekfast thats been hit by a truck will still love me (i hope, lol).

So I guess I have two manly men in my life. But only one love. I never thought 5 and a bit years ago i'd be sitting on my front porch, listening to the sheep, frogs, crickets and cows as I am now. I guess I had a life plan but then dj snuck in and changed all that.

Hopefully in the next few months we'll get a puppy. Then i'll have a new female in my life. If its a girl pup her name is already desided on.
'prissy princess everythingimnot' but she'll end up like me no doubt.
...not that I mind....

My god I thought things could not get any worse after the last post.




FAIL

They did get worse. Pil went to the hospital after 2pm. Saw dh and dj. I went back in picked dh and dj up. Thats fine, we get home at 5pm and they're eating lunch...yes at 5pm when I had dinner (lamb shanks) in the oven! So I was annoied at that. I sit down to fees vic and fil tells me he turnes the fire box air intake down as it was burning too hot...i cracked it and said 'it was fine its my damn fire in my damn house I want it burning how I want it' about an hour later I plate dinner up. Lamb shanks, veggies the works. I ask then ask fil if he wants gravy. He says he wants the cassrol from the night before. Well that was it. I snapped hars core. I told him he'd gone too fucking far and eat what ever the fuck he wants. And stormed out of the house. Dh gave his dad a massive talking to. But fil still has nfi what he did so 'wrong' I strom around outside for over an hour. Come in fil says sorry (pfft) and I get back to being nice. But I refused to sit and eat with them. I could not do it. The insult still fresh.

Fil dosen't grasp something about me though. I explode and then im fine (as such) I can still be pissed off but im nice to the persons face. I'll still be shitty at fil for some time. Refuseing to eat a meal of mine is the ultimate insult. Its also a blow to my self esteam too. But i'll get over that

In other news dj ended up having 8 fits all up. The longest was 5mins. but he seems ok today.

Also I feel like I have two husbands at the moment. With d from next door and dh...its amuseing. Well two husbands as in dh wants the cleaning ect done and kids delt with and d expects me to bake and so it seems clean out his car hahaha as dh is putting a new stero in it for him. He said take the money out of it (i wouldn't) as payment. Haha. But once they're back from town i'll bake almond cake for them...hopefully not spliceing my finger again on the bread knife....or d said he'd take them from me.

I might even be sneaky and get a photo of dh and d together while they work hehe. Then update from the cpu...

Now to find an egg yolk custard recipy....

Fuck me my inlaws a fucking clueless.

They arrive via the back yard due to the 'slosh' dirt road. Bullshit its fucking fine fil. Thats ok...they come in. dj has a small fit. Around 30 seconds. I worry, but its over. I pack up my trech digging stuff (read axe, pick, shovel) come in make tea and get changed. Fil then goes quiet when I come back. From here on in I mirror him. Dont fuck with me old man in my house.

D pops over with his girlfriend and has a beer with me he trys to talk to fil but is shut down. He take my approch and finds fault in his car. Fil -0 me ans dray -2. Mil then unpacks...
Bread x2
Soup
Cassroll
Hot cross buns
Salid
Cake
Bikkies
Eggs
Butter

Fuck Im insulted. I baked over the weekend its worth NOTHING. Im insulted she and fil did this. I hurt that clearly they think I cant manage my own familys food. Fucking hell eggs and butter?!?!? We have chickens. It was bad enough that she baught dinner...fuck this.

Dj also had grand total of 5 fits yeaterday he N dh are in hospital. Fil well he didn't ask ONCE how dh was. This morning he asked if i's heard anything...but not about dh.

Im fucked off too that fil has spent. The fucking morning in bed...with tge fucking cat. Fuck him. I hope dh and dj come home today...or i'll go postal on fil...

Well guess what? My darling pain in the ass laws are comming. We covered that part. What has since been uncovered. Well rather dropped ohh so ungracefully on dh N I is that it is not a mear overnighter. Ohh no. it is now FUCKING TWO. Lord send me burbon or alike please.

I am far from happy about this 'change in plans' one night I can drag my angry ass through but two...not so sure. I've told dh i'm fucking off to D's place the second night for an hour or so. I just need space. Dropping this shit on me aint.nice nor is the thought of eating mil's frozen and defrosted cassroll...blarg. If I update from the toliet bowl, we know it was a gift that keeps on giving. Why the fuck my.mil feels the need to do that for. Ok shes being nice...but if its lamb I'll scream as I was going to do lamb shanks.....fuck why the short fucking notice?!? Fuck im fucking ticked off like you would not compute....its just fucking pathetic of my inlaws...thank god I know the people next door so night number two I have an escape....aaaaaaaaargh. So. Angry its than....i cyclone on crack...

I've also worked out that I can update from myphone too...thank god. Thats what i've done this update from

my finger - 0 and bandaid, i might buy shares in them.

cutting up a cake last night i also chopped into my finger. suppirseingly no passing out for me. (yay) just alot of blood (lol) and that stuff. its a nice chunk. i did ponder if a trip to the GP was needed but meh, it'll heal (right?) nothing two woodstocks didn't fix. so i now have one (small) bandaid on, some tape and another lager band aid to stop myself from bending the top of my finger (as that, strangely.) seems to make it bleed. oh well.

other then that not much. i wanted to get out side and start turning over my ground for my vegie patch. but sadly the boys think sleep is for the weak and i haven't gotten out yet. maybe later. or tomorrow. (tomorrow is good...) i want some vegies in by the end of the week so i have SOMETHING to show for it. plus i've wanted a large vegie patch for god knows how long and now i can have it. the weather changes (damn it!) but intime.

tomorrow is "d" day. yes my bloody inlaws are comming up. i can almost safely say they will not arrive before dinner time. and FIL will be bitching about the long, borning (bahaha) drive here. as we live give or take around 30mins out side of a rual city. off a long, semi windey road then off a dirt one (a main road runs at the back of the property) but its quiet. until you hear D from next door "sighting in" a new gun then you here a "pop" kinda noise. but other then that. quiet. FIL will also whinge about the cold, and anthing else he can think of. heres hoping i dont drop some coal out of the fire and burn (more) of the carpet. he'll have a friggin' fit. and i will simply laugh at him. i have baked bikkies, cake, scones and muffins for them. (the latter two i froze) i might make more tomorrow but meh. we'll see how i feel.

once they're gone i'm smudgeing this house out. i dont want negative crap in my house. under my eves or even in the front gate. but sadly i have no choice BUT to let my father in law in. we dont have a dog kennel yet. heres hoping i can escape at least once into my blog to vent it all out. as i really dont want to have to run my mouth. unless FIL touches my fire. then i'll be popping him back in his place. my fire FUCK OFF. or maybe a sign at the door "touch my fire and BURN"

Oh another thing DH and I have been talking about is a dog. we're going to get one once DH is working. we're thinking a little girl. (to even the score out in the house as its 3 men, one male cat and me and a female cat LOL) but we cant come up with a name. i've got Tinka or Prissy but thats it.
bah better go Vic is wingeing.

its been nuts here. unpacking, fixing. repacking moving and unpacking again. remind me never to move again.

i cleaned up the fish pond out the front (runs along the front of our house) only to find we have a SHIT load of fucking fish. we're talking near-er to TWO hours ro 'fish' them all out. and three of them would easy be the size from the tip of my middle finger to the base of my palm! all nice and clean though. fish seem happier. and not so many mossies.

haven't seen D this weekend. i think due to the Ex gf UTDness. and him needing space. i admit i do worry a little about him. but i guess its natural...well for me. miss over-the-top-motherly-ness. but no doubt i'll see him tomorrow or that when his ute comes back with new tyres on it. they had 31.5inch ones on. so the cab of the ute sat i guess just below my hip. he's had 33inch ones put on so now it'll be hip hite, as he also has a 7inch lift on it. (but it looks cool) with spot lights on it for his hunt-anything-that-moves-that-isn't-human. he's a really interesting bloke under it all. and honstly he's more like an older brother who i never had. who else would pick a play fight then get slapped? or just be a cheeky little shit towards all in the name of fun? the funniest thing wad thursday i went for an early morning walk - and walked past the pines along our drive and saw him so said good moring win #1 i scared him (one to me thirty to him LOL) win#2 dispite him piddleing i didn't see anything hahaha.

In other news my PIL are comming tuesday night. fun fun fun. not.
i dont want to see FIL, at all. MIL is just "meh" but FIL its like a loaded gun with a twichy finger on the trigger. i'll walk away if i have to. i'll kick and scream into my (now hung) punching bag if i have to. i will play nice but if backed into a corner with them, well i'll go all rocky-belbowa on their ass and they'll see this mumma lion rawr. i've told DH i'll be nice. but i'll also get my revenge. my wake up time now is around 5:30-6am...wednesday morning i'm getting up at 5am. clank-clank-clank cleaning the kitchen, sweeping the floors, getting the chooks out, feeding them. getting brekkie ready, maybe even make some muffins for their trip home...hopefully all before 7am *evil laugh here* thats how bad it is. and if i'm feeling nasty i'll really dig the boot in by buggering off with the kids for a walk - if they're both up for an hour or so. stuff 'em. toboot aunt flow is trying to rear her frikkin' ugly head and i'd love for her to FUCK OFF for a few months yet.

Ohh and i sliced my finger open with a bread knife today. three paper towls later...stupid thing.

DH got a ride on mower last week. he's used any excuess to use it. it can be used as a mini tractor too - it came with a small trailor that can be towed. so DH, DJ and Vic all ride around the yard. i take photos and laugh at them. its also "manual" which means i cant drive it for shit (very, very hevy cluch thingy) but i have tried.

i opened up to the bloke next door, D about everything. well parts. about my wanting to cut. and be depressed. guessing he was a local boy he'd know about that kind of thing. i all so guessed going on what he's opened up to DH and I about. he's a wonderful person dispite some really, really REALLY shit stuff happening to him. i can see he's over protective of women and quick to show a man his place (poor DH has copped this) but i can also see he needs some one to lean on right now. and i'm (and DH) is it. you see and Ex G.f of his is up the duff. 12 weeks, first scan today. he is pooing himself. he's almost 24 and "not fucking ready" even though he had "protected" sex this bubba has come about - but the kick in the guts? its eather his or another TWO blokes. she has no idea. (so three blokes with in say a week...) and his only other friend he can talk to about this. well he's sleeping with her and she's a mother hen (his words) so now it falls to DH and I (well more me) to help him out. seeing as i've "been there done that" with kids. i've been told if its a boy she, the ex g.f wants nothing todo with it. so if its D's he "has it" which he told me i'd find a baby on the door step. and he's not sure if its a girl.

and in other news. our cats have been allowed out side. our female; bella spent the best part of 2 hours taunting (and killing) a mouse. our male is still wandering around. the chickens aren't sure what to make of them. as the cats have no idea what these giant birds are. but we're getting there.

as for me well i'm getting better, kind of. as i said i talked to D a little about things. once DH is at work and the kids are settled i'll have him over one arvo to explain the whole kit and caboodle of my past. maybe if i open up to him he'll open up to me. i guess also if i knows my past, knows the 'warning' signs if i need some one and DH is at work/out i'll have him. plus i guess maybe he'll get things a bit better.

Dj is plodding along. still cute, still smiling. just not sleeping. one of the many "side affects" of Angel Man Syndrome. is poor sleep. DH needs his. i dont. to the point i'm setting my alarm for 5:30am to be up and at it. to get house work done while (hopefully) all three boys sleep. get the fire going (i'll explain) and just get a jump start on the day. makes me feel like i've gotten SOMETHING done.

now the fire. we have never had to rely on one until our move here. dray was hangin' it on me about the fact i had to ask - twice- how to light it and keep it lit. i managed (mmmk with the help of fire lighters) to get it going and the whole house is warm! but thats thanks to the Redbox/graybox and red gum. i have another massive red gum log to pop on before bed. so i wake up to a semi warm house and i can get everything organised for the day. hopefully i'll be able to sweep the floors do the dishes and maybe sweep the floor up (cant vac. at 6am LOL) and then feed the chooks and maybe walk down to check the mail from today. i really want to start getting more out of the day. who knows i might bump into dray and be able to have a talk to him with out worrying about the kids/DH or the flippin' cats. ohh and depending on the ground i may even have a crack at digging down to remove a stump.

hopefully also in the next month or two we'll get a new puppy. DH and I have always had the cats. but out here i want a dog to keep me and the boys company. i also want one to feel safe (even if Macca is next door) plus i also think it'll help me want to get out and walk more. i need to exercise. i would (fucking) love to fit back in to a size 14 (says the size 16-18 depending on bloody store) by the end of the year. but i can hope i guess.

Now tomorrow if i go into town (which is aroud 20mins away) i want a smudge stick. i am over the bloody negativey in this house (thanks largely to the devorcee's that moved out and FIL's inability to keep his fucking trap shut) i want a fresh start. i just need to find one in town the health food shop didn't have one..

at this time i was on the road heading to 'our new house'
in two weeks its become a home. very happy indeed.

We've made good friends with the people next door. even if he was here everyday. i didn't mind. DH did. but DH is a very private person and i've spent two years as a SHAM and got a tad lonely. once DH is at work if the bloke next door 'D' wants to pop round he can. its nice for me to have company. even if they are mocking my uber white legs via the siprice pines.

D is an interesting one.
his home life was fucked up until his father ended his own life. D saw this (and if he told us the truth) told his father to eather pull the trigger or he'd do it himself (his father used to beat his mum, who i get along with really well) D also suffers from shaken baby syndrome (thanks to his dad) and ADHD. he's not really good with boundrys. but then again he's a country boy so his idea of rocking up into your back yard isn't a strange one. he's good with the kids too. he's also the hunter gather-er type as well. he (proudly) showed me a fox he shot and then promptly removed its while i was there and asked me to pluck the feathers off some quail he'd caught too. (and suppriseingly i didn't flinch!) he's back at work today. but his work is this and that as D is also elitterit. (bah i cant spell :/ ) so i've been told if he sticks his head over the fence it may be to read a text message for him. but i dont mind. he also told me if anything happens to his mum i'll cop the knock at the door of "feed me, wash my clothes and buy my condoms" yes he did say that to me LOL.

in other news i've had a few mood swings here and there. mainly due to FIL and his twattery. he's caused a fight between DH and I due to house work (again) and i flared up. FIL and some warped idea of the women does ALL the house work. yes i should do more (and i am now too) but the last 2 years have been freaking hard. a child who was slow (now been called "angel man syndrome") has not been easy. SOL has had a normal baby (thus far) and is 'copeing' massive supprise there...NOT.
Bah i'll be back D's just rocked up.

we made it. after a fucking bucket load of crap. seven days of bullshit later. (no internet was one) we made it
i post from our new home. surrounded - still by boxes. but by alot more space at the same time.

the move was far from "easy" as the banks thought it would be an idea to fuck us around - up until the hour before settlement. i honestly crashed out at some point or another. but just kept going. that was the 'low' point of it all. but onwards and up wards right? before getting here it was two near misses for me, one hit with DH (some women ran into my dads traylor at the servo..) but by 8pm we'd moved in here.

next day met a bloke from next door we'll call him D. he's an odd ball who told me he has ADHD. didn't worry me. next day (with DH in melb) he came around and gave us fire wood. when i asked why his mum sent him around with it 0.o scary but ok. he has since been around at least once a day and i've met his mum and the bloke they live with (his mum is a carer for) and almost every one who lives on out (rual) street. DH has done two extra car loads of stuff from our old house, with another togo. but i dont mind not having him here as i have my own 'personal gard" aka D. which a friend of ours, floss pointed out!

we've been here 8 days and honstly? i could NOT move back to the 'burbs or even into the town here. i LOVE my space (and chickens!) to much. plus being able to sit out side and just listen to the sounds. of the land. trackors (loud) humm birds tweeting chickens scraching and making that odd noice they make...its bliss.

hopefully in the comming weeks i'll set up a veggie patch. we have fruit trees that need some TLC and chickens that are cute, even if we have one called "mardi" for mardigra as clearly D has no idea if they are a boy or a girl...but i dont they're still cute.

DJ is going well. he's worked out how to "bounce" or "hump" as DH puts it. but he's loving the space. nice big hall way to crawl up and down. he's also enjoying watching the choocks out side. too.

well i better go all three of the boys are up and about...i 'spose i better make some brekkie for them...

***this conatains stuff about self harm. and its rather grafic, can't say i didn't warn you***

i wrote this after the last post. but didnt want it to impead on DJs vent. i guess because i dunnow. this is more about me this one. once again delving into my past. or parts that i'm willing to share at this point.

before i met DH i was honestly fucked up. my family life was "normal" (what ever the fuck that is) a relationship i'd been in for two years was far from it. shit happend (which i'm not ready to post all over the interwebs yet) that messed my mind up. i ended up in a big black hole. enough that one trip to the ED was needed. but nothing ever came of that. well family councelling did. but that ended when some one in my family didn't like it. and it wasn't me. as i was being heard for the first time - ever - and this person hated it. we never went back. but i never stopped what i'd started before. i was hurting myself. i was cutting. not deep cuts. but lots of them.
i can remember sitting in a class room, alone. looking at both the tops of my legs and seeing very little un-cut/non-scabbed/ non-scared skin. looking at my arms seeing the sliver scars almost flickering in the light. feeling kind of proud that i'd cut so i'd be able to function. that the part of cutting didn't understand with me. i cut so i'd function as a normal (again what the FUCK is that) person. i cut so people around me wouldn't suffer. suffer the pain i was, suffer litening to me cope. i cut me for ME so that people i cared about where ok. cutting was my way of protecting the ones i loved most from the monster in side of my life and the pain it was causeing. people still dont understand that. i guess it takes one to know one...

i can remember nights that i felt like utter shit. well no i felt nothing. numb. cutting = pain thus feeling thus = alive. but when that didn't work i kept going until i did feel something or i cried so hard i could no longer cry. the amount of nights i watched the sun rise. the amount of nights i'd cut words into me. again not deep cuts but enough. hideing them became a challange when my folks found out. but i didn't stop. going to school with bike shorts on to hide the cuts under neath. easy done. planning when i'd have to "clam down"s so no one would see was harder. knowing 4 weeks before both the year 11 and year 12 formals i couldn't cut was hard. but after meeting DH, having some one to depend on. even at 3am. i started to heal both the scars and my mind. but i still have the scars and early this morning i found myself tracing over them with my finger. feeling the pain/anger/hurt that triggered them off to start with. wondering if that pain ever really left. the feelings of unamaginal anger towards some people. the feeling that i wasn't good enough (which never really went away) and just that sting that came with the cut. the feeling that came with it. the one of being alive...

but lately that feeling of needing to cut has come back. why? the stress of moving. the stress of DJ. the lack of control i have control but i dont. they've labled DJ that i can control. but the out come? i cant control that. i can't also seem to control my emtions eather. they wont exit my body. i've forced myself to remain 'strong' and now im faultering. some times i wonder if i have enough left in the tank to keep going. but i realise i have no choice. part of me would love to revert back to what i was doing at 16, the rest of me is screaming "dont you dare" maybe if i did i'd cry, and be able to feel normal again.

having said that i know i'd never be able to do that. i'd never want my boys to see that, i couldn't let DH down. let me down. i'm better then that. i'll just keep posting here. making everything that comes into my head about it roll out here. i know its so sad, but its all i have. IRL people see me was bullet proof. or something like that. because i'm so up beat about all this. most days i am. but days/hours like this i wish i could crawl into a hole and scream and cry.

maybe after the move i'll be in a better place. both due to a fresh start and a new home. but none of the reminders of how fucked up i was. there are places near my house that remind me my past. i need to get away from them...new house, new life. fresh start. onwards and upwards from here...


i hope.

And they lyrics to the song that had me in tears are:


Sing it out,
Boy, you got to see what tomorrow brings.
Sing it out,
Girl, you got to be what tomorrow needs.

For every time.
That they want to count you out,
Use your voice,
every single time you open up your mouth.

Sing it for the boys,
Sing it for the girls,
Every time that you lose it sing it for the world.
Sing it from the heart,
Sing it till you're nuts,
Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts.
Sing it for the deaf,
Sing it for the blind,
Sing about everyone that you left behind.
Sing it for the world,
Sing it for the world.

Sing it out,
Boy, they're gonna sell what tomorrow needs
Sing it out,
Girl, they're gonna kill what tomorrow brings
You've got to make a choice,
If the music drowns you out.
And raise your voice,
Every single time they try and shut your mouth.

Sing it for the boys,
Sing it for the girls,
Every time that you lose it sing it for the world.
Sing it from the heart,
Sing it till you're nuts,
Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts.
Sing it for the deaf,
Sing it for the blind,
Sing about everyone that you left behind.
Sing it for the world,
Sing it for the world.


Cleaned-up corporation progress,
Dying in the process.
Children that can talk about it,
Living on the webways.
People moving sideways,
Sell it till your last days.
Buy yourself the motivation,
Generation nothing.
Nothing but a dead scene,
Product of a white dream.
I am not the singer that you wanted,
but a dancer.
I refuse to answer,
Talk about the past,
Sir and wrote it for the ones who want to get away.


Keep running!

Sing it for the boys,
Sing it for the girls,
Every time that you lose it sing it for the world.
Sing it from the heart,
Sing it till you're nuts,
Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts.
Sing it for the deaf,
Sing it for the blind,
Sing about everyone that you left behind.
Sing it for the world,
Sing it for the world.

You've got to see what tomorrow brings!
Sing it for the world,
Sing it for the world.
Yeah, you've got to be what tomorrow needs!
Sing it for the world,
Sing it for the world.

2011 has to be the suckyest year. floods, quakes, fire now it looks like its going to go nuclear. not to add the deaths for people and all that.

I how ever sit here. still trying to come to grips with DJ. yep you'd think i'd 'understand' it by now but i cant. i guess this thought process came about after a nice lunch at the local pizza shop thingy.
Me, DH, Vic and DJ. Dj when tired falials his arms around and giggles. i guess the giggle part is 'normal' for a 2 year old but the flailing isn't. a women with a young girl kept looking. stareing. she was older then i am her girl around DJ's age. maybe older. both boys in the pram. she just kept looking. part of me wanted to ask her why she was stareing at my boy. then i realised. he's differant. this is what we'll be facing. people not knowing why DJ is doing what he is. thats going to be my 'normal' i stat there looking at DJ and knew it was normal. my normal. my familys normal. but to this women it was differant. it wasn't her normal. i felt anger at her for a fleeting moment. then i felt pitty. she had to stare at a 2 year old boy, who is doing whats normal for him. DH felt it too. part of me knows that its what will happen. in time kids will ask why DJ as he is. i know he may improve over time. but he may also remain some what the same.

part of me - right now - wants to ball my eyes out. for what could have be (should have been?) for the hand i've been slaped in the face with and then delt. for everything my little man has had to face in his two years. i want to scream. scream at me for NOT getting thease tests done earlier, for having some kind of faith he'd be OK. scream just to let the anger i feel out. the dissapointment. there i said it. im disapointed in me. in my body in my genes. until some one tells me other wise i blame me. what else am i ment to blame?

i know i need to keep my chin up, and some how be strong. but whats strength when you cant see the 'end' in site? whats the point in trying to be positive when i feel like i failed?

Its stupid but the song "sing" by 'My chemical romance' had me in tears while i was driving in the wee hours of friday morning - DJ's croup had faired right up and i was some place on the road. and the song plaied. i cried. because i want a release. i crave it. but nothing cuts that mustard. not much will.

what is it again? for the first time in a long time both boys are asleep before 11pm.
which means a 4am start to the day tomorrow. but i get down time.

Ohh and Hi to my two new followers too.

"alone" time at night. it'd be nicer if DH was home. but we can't have it all - just yet. in two weeks i'll have DH at home at night. shock freaking horror after 12 months of no-home time at night bar weekends. its a shock.

the down side of down time is the thoughts. i have a few that like popping up more often then not. but i deal with them. i face them i tow the line.

DJ has issues. missing part of something that would then allow him to be 'normal' while with evey ounce of my being i love him i want to morn what "is not" but i cant. which will make no sense to any one. maybe long ago deep down i came to grips with the fact my son would always be left of center. maybe i understood he was who he is. and loved him for that. people dont 'get' why i breeze though things. the medical history the avents. they look at me like i should be crying and in a heap. YET when i do turn into that i am expected to be stong and breeze though. cant win can we?

i am who i am. and i'm changeing. i am growing up (or trying to) and enter into this new world. one where i have a son who is who he is. i have little to no control over it. i dont even get a "well we know XYZ" out of it. but in my own warped way i'm OK with that. no expectations no failure- right?

you see this post is about my past. its blunt. its honest and most of all i want it out NOW. to be able to reflect on it from an 'adults' point of view. to air it out. maybe that will allow me to connect with what i face with DJ. allow me to grow.

from 16 years old til i was 18 (near 'nuff) i was a person who self harmed. or "cutter" or "emo" or "fucked up person" depending on who you talked to about it. i hurt myself with the aim of doing that. hurting ME i was depressed and numb. numb being the brains inability to cope and fuction with more then say two emotions at a time. but any way i cut. not "deep" as some do but in large amounts. i knew it was bad when cutting to cover the inside of my wrists no longer hurt. at all. but i'm still sitting here. alive. DH helped me alot. comming to grips with some fucked up shit helped. working out that normal for me, wasn't normal for the rest of the world. or maybe it was. but the select few who i was lumped with (read high school) didn't feel normal was "cool". alot has changed since then. i have my two boys. my DH. i'm blessed to have all three. but my past still hovers around from time to time. it makes things harder then they need to be.

my past gave me the fire in my belly. the ability to cut people to the bone with a short sharp stab with words. it also gave me this abilty to over epthaise with people to feel their pain more then i ever thought i could. it gave me the strength to face the pain of child birth. it gave me the strength to just keep swimming when my world was ripped apart. my past has made me who i am NOW the mother i am NOW.

at what point though do we switch off. and become 'normal' i know im still tring to find out what the hell normal is.

So we have more question marks then answers right now when it comes to DJ.

We saw the Pead yeterday. gotta love him. we walk into his room and he looks me in the eye and says "well you've had a shit of a time haven't you" i told him "umm that'd be the child friendly explenation of it"

we got down to the nitty gitty. went over the fits what happend what they did/didn't do what was to come. ruled out a lumber puncure (happy dance time. i dont want a needle in my sons spine if i can help it) but a second attempt at an MRI in two weeks (ish) time. then we got to the blood test results. the last of them. the genetic one.
and we has a winner. DJ is missing a chromosome. q11.2-q13.1 to be exact. meaning? well according to the letter i have sitting in front of me (to give me the figers above) it means DJ will always be DJ. we can't re-grow missing bits but we can work with them.

It says something about Parder-willi or angelman syndromes but we cant stick that label on until DH and I have bloods done. which is fine. 'cept the fact DH hates them. me? i'm used to them.

the pead exected more of a 'reaction' to the news. i shrugged my sholders and told him the truth. DJ is a happy kid. he smiles, he laughs he (in his own way) interects with me, DH and vic. i cannot as a mother ask for more. a happy child. this just means we have more of a defined plan of attack. simplistic i know. but right now thats the level i'm working on. the here and now.
I've googled both the labels but i'm not willing to guess, nor look past more then wiki for an understnanding. in time we'll know and i'll read read read all i can to understand. but for now i just gotta love my son and help him grow.

In time i may start a blog for this. seeing as the whole minus chromosome 15 thing has only really been 'around' or known about for 2.5 years. so growing with it, well is a wee bit unknown. maybe if some one else finds their child with this they'll be able to read about it. learn and see what its like. but we'll see.

once i have my head fully around whats happend then i'll express it. but for now i just plod along. one day at a time one night at a time. and hope that Dj stays happy. as what more can a mother ask for?