Upsidown

And nearer to Inside out.

Is where I am....floating. The all too real side of bellas passing is here. One of the kids toys, crulely sounds like her bell. Each time its moved I think; fleetingly its her. Then turn and look out the window and see the rose bush with a single bud on it and know that reality truely sucks. My heart is sore now, its brused but some how its in once peace. Kind of. Part of it is under that rose bush, with the single bud, the rest some place with in the relms of my chest. Brused that some of it was ripped away. Yes I wont deny I felt baby bellas time was soon to be up. But that warning givea false hope of coping. Something I struggle with; often.

Today I cracked. I walked for over an hour in the rain and threw some fucked up shit that nicked my finget full pelt at the floor followed with a 'fuck you' so it knew I was angry. I laid into the punching bag. Sweat for tears blood for heart ache. The cold air stung as did the grind of mud on my knuckles as I punched it after kicking it til my legs hurt. But I wanted pain, needed it, deserved it. To feel is to live and the past few days I have died inside. I needed to live again. My anget will no doubt come back. But I can walk through that. Walking is my escape now. Hopefully I can use that not cutting. But I cant promise anything. I need only let myself down.

Hopefully tomorrow d will take me to walk the paddoc if not show me how to sharpen my knives and get me over the fear I have of them. I want to bounce some ideas off him and see what he thinks. Plus find out if he knows of any puppies being born soonish so I can start looking. For one. Selfish I know but I need an animal to get by...seeing as I have few people who I can easily cry around. Hell the meer sight of d's truck made my eyes dry before I could cry.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better in the words of jordan sparks
'take one step at a time there is no need to rush....its like learning to fly or falling in love itsganna happen when its suppost to happen '