When the going gets tough

The tough beat the fucking daylights out of their punching bag and FAIL in an epic way. We're talking one bloody knuckle one really brused/swollen one and a badly brused shin!

The last few days have been fucked. Little sleep lots of fights and now im tired. Things arent always smooth in my house. Dh is ten years older then I so his view on the world is I guess jaded. Where as mine is not so much. He has issues which it seems I am often a trigger for. But we manage. Most of the time.

In past relationships its been the same I am the trigger. I try to cerb that as much as I can but often fail. But thats me.
The move has been a blessed curse. We are STILL sorting shit out from it. Ive found a friend in D but as i've said dh and he clash. But for the first time dh has backed off. And not telling me to stop the contact. He did that with all the other male friends I had, bar one who is my 'brother' D has issues as do I. We kind of 'get' each other. Dh and I once did too, then it changed. I think now dh is seeing that. I too am at fault but its how i've made it through dj's first two years.

I am not proud to say it but I have started to cut again. But right now its all I have. I'll say it now but I dont wish to end my life ; at all. I harm myself as my way of protecting others. I hurt so you dont. Simple really. Its alot easier to see it that way. I cut, I bleed so that the people around me are happy. I hadn't cut in over 4 years. So last night I was at the end of the line. Again im not proud but I did it, I nees to own it. Its a hard thing cutting. For me at the time I am so, relived after I cut. Im human again. Then comes the sting of it. The shame. And then hideing it. So maybe throwing out here will...some how ease it all. I hopefully wont get to that point again, you'd think after all I have delt with a simple fight with dh would be nothing...clearly a fail. I haven't told dh. I dont want him to feel guilty about it...no point in two of us kicking our selfs

Othet then that things are good. There is more 'country quiet' at night its more sheeps in the padoc over the road, distant shots being fired, a bull squeeling; again, leaves russeling...and an over night low of 0 rearing her ugly head..