Sitting here I realise how fast time goes. Its not just with the boys growing up. Its everything looking at old photos. Mainly school ones. Like my high school formal ones. That was 5years ago. 5 whole years. Ive changed alot.

I guess also the realiseation i've known one of my best friends for 10 years makes me go o.0 too. I cant quite rap my head around it honestly. He's been there for me all thease years. He's like a brother to me n the person who I can talk to once in 6months and he still gets me. Which is incredable. Im so lucky to have him. I met him through an ex, when this ex bad mouthed him I bit him and drew blood. When that ex and I broke up the ex bad mouthed me G punched him in the gut. I'd smack any one in the face who put him down now.

I guess too im thinking about change. I have a bottle of hair bleech and a purple rinse sitting there. And im wondering if I change my hair again...or if I leave it. You see I do that when massive changes happen. Thus my hair went from between my sholderblade length to sholder length. Its currently a reddy brown. Im debateing going blonde again. I admit I do like playing up the ditz; from time to time only to run rings around people later. But thats not all. I guess I like the freedom of blonde. Ita easy to add colour to it. Its also a bitch to maintain.

I also want todo it as a way of copeing with vic turning one, djs fits and just finding me again. I know im a mum. But I guess I want more. I'd love to go back to work at some point. I thought of social work; perhaps in hospital or even in supporting other perants of speacial needs kids. Both 'regular' and the more rare types. Or even counceller for them. I know I need to give back to the community that is giving me so much at this point. Maybe be an ear for some one else...

So much to think about and day dream about. I might even look into tafe courses...maybe having some distance study will do the world of good for me...hmm...lets see if it happens

you never give me any warning....when you come undone...ohh its like a winters morning.....

Yep im listening to barnsy. Yep dh, dj and vic are asleep. And im wide awake.

Down loaded this song two days ago. Kinda by mistake. Kinda not. Listening to it now...i guess makes everything clear-er.

I know I cant win the fight with djs fits. I cant. We cant. How can we when we dont understand it. Angelman syndrome fully? Honestly? Im not admiting defeat. Hardly that. I will still be here fighting for dj. I'll always hold him while he fits. Comfort him comming out of them. I'll not run and hide as much as part of me wants to. I have to be. Thats what mums do. Dh working means its all me. Which is expected. I need to find my groove again. A new one that dosent have me on my knees begging that higher power to quit hurting me. My family. Those I love.

I need to find me. I need a battery recharge. An escape that leaves my body as is. Not adding to the scars I have. Thats hard as the hours dh works I get little time but again I need to make it work, some how.

I wish that I knew what I want to say. How to express it. My head has a million things running through it. But no words to allow it to flow...i feel worn. I feel older than 22. I guess im morning a life that could have been while trying to celibrate a life that is. Im trying to act as an adult when being faces with a reality that other adults seem to struggle with; alot. Yet im ment to breeze through it all? Not sure how I can; yet. Im sure once I see a shrink it'll be clear-er.

At the end of it all I have my boys. My dh. My life. But to live my life and not just exist it...well...i need help in that regard.