more rambleings (self harm talked about)

i have a quiet moment with Vic asleep and DJ happily ignoring thomas the tank and playing with some toys My last entry was all over the shop, as was the one before that. kinda jumbled up week its been. I guess thinking about my past. as triggered by a friend who is now selling a bridesmaid dress she wore at my wedding and i spent a few months chaseing her for the $$. thinking about how much i've changed. how much i've grown and how somethings repeat not just within the confines of my own life but others. talking to a friend his son is "slow" not sure to what extent. but the kid is over school. but has no idea what he wants to do. and i feel for the kid. i really do. been there, done that. i hated school. i managed it becuase i managed to fake it. really well. kinda. Ok i lie. i 'managed it' until i hit year 11. then it dawned on me i was alive. stupid i know but when at age 12 you convince yourself you're far better off dead then alive. to have some how NOT killed your self the shock of reaching 15/16 hits hard. i spent most of the summer nights between year 10 and 11 in tears. panic attack after panic attack in my room alone. people knew i was in the deepest grip of depression, the hollo "call me if you need me" rang into the night. was greeted by "you have reached XYZ..." and silance. people would see what happend the night before and ask "why didn't you call me?" Oh i did but your phone was off. you turn it off at 10pm when i needed you at 1am you where asleep with your phone off. harsh but true. maybe i was the freak who'd leave their phone on loud knowing some one was suffering though a lession of life. maybe i could be strong for others while floundering within my own pit of dispearing quicksand. i dont know. i never will. all i know is hearing about this kid made me feel alot of those feelings. again. i know im now almost 23, but fucking hell those feelings came back with venage. Those nights i was alone. where the nights i cut. cut to kill, cut to feel the pain cut to make sure i wasnt dead yet. cut to make the triggers go away. cut to punish myself for those triggers (as i thought it was my fault) cut so i could control it. so many reasons to cut. so many reasons to die. some how i didnt. I know that its in the past but. it haunts me when i hear stuff like this. its also i guess a reminder that the past makes us who we are today and with out it we'd not be who we are. Self harm makes people move uneasily when its talked about. alot of people have "depression" as a fellow from down the road told me. yet i opened up a crack about my history and he moved un easy. i guess not every one understands. With my unicorse i think i'll withdraw from it at this stage. i enjoy it alot. but sadly it'll cost $$ in books soon and more time. time i dont have. plus i think also having a part time job will be better (if i can find one in the Deli again) but we'll wait and see i guess.