dont you make by blue eyes (selfharm talked about)

green or red.

talking to a friend. shes planning on getting married this time next year. i felt my heart kinda speed up and my eyes well up.

I've never maintained friendships. or more to the point i step back and let people contact me. they never. ever do. i'm that person who always calls/texts you to catch up. you call/text me if you're world is falling apart, you cant breath and your eyes cant cry any more.. i'm that hand in the middle of the night. that phonecall that'll almost never go unawncerd.

I've never had that. i did. in DH until things got rough. then he shut down and shut me out. i cut a fair bit. not as bad as '04-'06 where i was addicted to it. i cut enough to cope. to not tack a whole lotta pills and slip into the night, so as not to have the boys wake to it.

I'd not do that now. but tonight perhaps due to this friend and perhaps due to the beer. I feel like opening up a little. not that it'll be read or anything seeing as i abadoned this blog.

before DH there was a boy. who fucked my head. left me a shell. i took to cutting while with him after some things happend. that i'm not willing to talk about here. unless i'd know NO ONE knew me. but any way. shit happend. and i lost myself. add into the fact by the time i was 15 i thought i'd be dead. the consept of being in year 11 almost sent me over the edge. i watched that many sun rises its not funny. i did something dumb which almost triggered another to take their own life. i spent 6 hours talking them down. then when i needed a friend none where there. i walked to a friends place in the pouring fucking rain. i needed some one nothin'.
they say its that kinda stuff that makes you stronger. not always. it made me hide deeper within myself. it made me build walls i still have up now. they talk about how strong people must be. if you walked into my head you'd see i am more often then not weak as fucking hell. but hey. you'd never know.
you'd never know alot of shit....

to be continued