starting back at one

I've been thinking. a fair bit about where we where this time last year. Mainly on my epic 1 n a bit hour drive in a vain attept to get vic to sleep. DJ slept. not vic. he's still screaming while i currently wait for a call back about my distance uni corse. the next study thing is statisiics. i suck at numbers. i get the feeling i might end up giving this up. if i cant manage it. i thought if it falls though or i do or both. that i might look at going back to work part time. now i always wanted to be a SAHM but, sometimes i feel like i should still contribute to the world. plus have some super for when i'm old and stuff. i also think i miss the adult - kid free interaction too. but it might not happen. i guess too haveing some $$ for me. well not for 'me' but for projects for me EG the chook shed. the veggie patch and alike would be good. in the long run i'd like to be able to be much more self suffincat then what we currently are. i'd also like to look into irrigation for the fruit trees and the vegie patch i'd like to cover in so its protected from the hot north-east sun. all ofcorse once the bloody fucking bore pump is fixed. I'm sitting here thinking that if i do change my mind and do something else. what could i do? massarge corse? that could pay off out here. but i want to help people work though their issues. but i also enjoy healing people. As much as i love cookery the hours a horrid and i want to be with the kids too. I also feel stuck. stuck becuase i'm so pathetic with numbers and spelling. that i cant do much else KWIM? i sucked badly at school. i suck badly now. i have learning issues but that counts for nothing. never has never will. i thought i could be a mother. but sometimes i wonder if i'm failing at that too. not so much now but when Vic starts school and mummy cant help with spelling past grade 3. and maths much beyond the basics. i wonder if i'll be a crappy mum like that. i hope not. but i think i will be. I better go while i wait for this phonecall. they called at 5:55. not 6. i was peeing aaaaargh. i might pull out of this corse...