soo Prince willy is engaged to Ms Kate. finely. now we get the drivle all about it. the bookies are taking bets on every thing from the date to the place and i did hear something bout the wedding dress designer too *faceplam*

it has made me think about my engament. it was not a "huge" supprise. i had told DH in the typical "hold nothing back" way i have with words i'd like to be engaged on our 2 year annavercery. when he didn't pop the question over dinner i cracked the sads and told him so. when he popped the question in the car - in the carpark i promptly called him a bastard and told him not to play games with me. but he wasn't he presented me with a lovely 'wedding set' rings. that was Feb 9th 2008. we where married on Nov. 27th 2008. nine months. thanks to Mr Dj sneaking in. but dispite that, i loved our wedding day. DH looked like a bush ranger leading upto it. and seeing him at the aulter nice and clean shaven. his best friends standing next to him, all while praying i didn't trip seeing as i was in 5 inch heels! i enjoyed it.

that was almost two years ago. in that time i've birthed two babies. DH and I have bought a new 2nd hand car and sold my old one. we have renovated the house, bought an old holden we have manged to wrangle both kids, some how be diplomatic with family issues and avoid being run over by a drunk/drugged driver. we have also some how mangaed to stay together while other cuples around us fall apart. i wake up most mornings and think how lucky i am other mornings i wake up and think "why can't he make coffee any good" but we can't have it all. can we? well i like what i have. my DH is for the most part good to me and the boys. although he could be a little more romantic. but we can't have it all can we? we have also endured two rough starts to our sons lives, the dust storm following the fall out between DH and BIL and SIL.
in the two years we've been married we've both changed. i often joke he's becomming a grumpy old man. he tells me im a moody house wife. but we have also become stronger and that mucg

so we've been married almost two years, only another 23 togo before i've served a life sentence.

too busy reading other peoples.
opps

that and DH and I have kinda got stuck into the house - again. well getting ready to
in the past 48 hours i have bought the following

~ Sugar soap
~ Vanish Preen for carpets
~ Gardening gloves
~ a SHAM WOW (you can now buy at slave way it seems)
~ extra strong loo cleaner
~ one pot of dark blue paint
~ one pot of light blue paint
~ one slightly bigger pot of white-ish paint
~ round up consentrait
~ sprayer thingy for said round up.

hopefully in the next two weeks we'll hire a Skip - we need to move the shit out of the back yard - with a warm summer i'd rather not risk a snake being in the yard. plus i'd love to have a much better idea where i can put "stuff" later on for the kids. i may even look into a hen house and veggie patch.

now i better go sugar soap wash the walls while the boys are asleep!

last night was a shit night. well make that crazy scary shit night.

DH and I went for a walk with the boys. nothing un-normal about it really. minus the last - well was supposed to be last - bit of it.

you see i wanted to walk the long way home. not the best idea in hynsite.

you see as we came around the corner a car clipped the curb. think nothing of it. next thing i hear and engine screaming. my thoughts? stupid P plater. WRONG. two fucking cock heads in a twin cab ute. busted up yellow kind. they screech around the corner and lose it. they fish tale, foot fermly planted to the floor it sounded. i watch this car come towards us. i have the kids in the pram in front of me. FARK. i just stand there and lock eyes with the driver. and i see nothing. they dont see us. the driver over steers and changes direction- away from us in slow motion i see whats going to happen - the diver smashes into a (nice looking) commadoor. the ute bounces. yes BOUNCES off the commadoor. and goes accross the road, up a cerb between a friggin' tree and power poll. into some ones font yard - after taking down a fence first. i start backing off (this would have been 50m in fount of me and DH) and tell DH over and over to call 000. and i just watch. the diver gets out and staggers a little. people come out of their houses. DH calls 000. i watch. the driver walks around the car, the passinger looks like he's doing something. next thing the diver spots DH on the phone and starts asking who he's on the phone to. and DH thinks quick (for one LOL) and tells him his dad (AKA 000) the passinger is now in the drivers seat and cracking the car over. i semi lose it at this point screaming at some one to stop them. dont let them drive off. but no one reacts. i watch the passinger get the car started and reverse it. how it started i dont know. then pulls up next to the driver who was getting near-er to DH and the passnger tells the driver to get in, three times then he gets in. they drop a burn out and drive off. i start shaking at that point. i watch them drive and turn left at the end of the street. i just watched my DH face off against a man under the influance of drugs. my blood boils at the thought he may have been hit. then it boils again thinking that my babies could have been hit. part of me wants to chase down the blokes out of the car and beat them senceless. they put my family endanger. they didn't once though out the crap-tatular driving they didn't once hit the brake. the bastards where found at the pub. i cannot express how much anger i have towards them. i may never know the out come of it. but damn it i hope they rot in hell for it.

you know the one. where you look at your self and go 'blegh when did THAT happen?'

i hit that point about a week ago. putting on jeans only to realise not only did i have a muffin top, it was super sized. i worked out i'm around 167cm tall and lets just say i'm above 90kg - not by much but still. and i hit that point, the wall. the end of my cliff and went.

FUCK IT and made myself look hard at who i was in the mirror. even if it did cut off my legs. i need to be a fit healthy mumma who can run after my boys and kick (albe it spazzd out) the footy around. and not become my mother. she was a good women, but sadly over weight and never really had the abilty to keep up with myself more so then my sister. she also chose to 'live' though me when i was full on into krarte, i quit when she was pressureing me to attempt to get my red belt. but one day i *will* go back and get it. i like being able to kick people in the head.
-got the best look from a guy when i was 35kws UTD with DJ. he was a shit head to be honest and was going on about me being soo young to have a baby and how stupid i was to be married (this was at DH's best mates birthday) and i can vividly remember smiling at him and saying "going back 6 months ago i'd have been able to kick you in the head, but granted i'm rather preggo now i'd be able to smash your lower ribs :-)" he kinda ran off after that, he deserved it though.

SO now, i sit here...and go "yep im going to lose this weight" and i will. i'll need to save some $$ for a) zumba (DIY at home, dont have the $$ for a gym) and also for one of them there ab cerial pro thingys. they work - a friend of mine used one.

...now...to sit down and re-write healthy meals for the week.

....i can do this and i will.

.....i may just need the whole 7 of you to kick my ass and tell me i gotta lose the wieght. not for me. but for my boys!

Darren was born.
so i've copied and pasted his birth story from BB so i can look back on it from time to time.
its bloody short compaired to vic's haha.

[really long] Blips arrival! (7/02/09)
When DH (chris) and I found out we where expecting it was a shock, as we'd planned to start trying may of this year! But we'd never say no to having our own kiddlett. so the whole thing started, the due date for our little 'blip' was Jan 27th 2009.

I was one of the women who didnt get 'moring' sickness. i had all day sickness. i worked in the Deli untill i was 31 weeks along. as my belly was getting a little big and my bladder a little small to keep working 5hrs at a time and with our wedding comming up and christmas i just couldnt keep it up any longer so i went on maternity leave.

after christmas and new year and Australia day passed i started getting a little impastaint to meet blip. and the 4 days above 43 didnt help much(at 40wks prg too). but i thought that this little one would come out when they wanted. i got to 41weeks (tuesday) and saw the OB at the hospital. they did a Strech and Sweep, things started looking up i got cramps and a small bloody show. but they soon died down. on wednesday DH and i went for a walk for an hour around near our house. nothing. thursday we saw my family and my mother commented on the fact my belly had droped. i felt it was the same but liked hearing it. on friday i woke up at 7:30 with really bad priod pain! so i walked around the house, guessing at the timming of the contraction. then made a post here to ask about it. i was direcrted to contractionmaster dot com. hit the space bar at the start/end of each contraction easy enough and it works it all out for me. only down side is. i have a normal computer NOT a laptop and walking though the contractions later became...hard-er.

i had a CTG booked at the hospital for 12. they called at 11 and asked me to come in earlier. and i did. the CTG picked up on contractions that where "slowly becomming regular" i knew they where regular but had gone funny due to me not feeling too good about being put in a little room! so off chris and i waddle back home. i had subway for lunch and the contractions died down (as in one every 30mins or so) so i took the chance and had a nap. so i dozed off at around 1 woke up about 3ish. i woke up because i rolled over onto my left side and the conreactions happend almost strait away. i rolled back onto my right and they came every 7mins. by around 5pm they went back to being 4-6mins apart poor chris had to cook tea at 6:30 becuase i was unable to stand still and/or do anything other then rock though each contraction. i settled in fount of the computer at about 8 (with contractions at about 5mins now) and posted on here as well as facebook. then at 9 i called the midwifes who told me to take pandol and have a warm shower. i did this. contractions where at 10mins apart, so i tired to sleep at about 12:30am. i got about half an hour of sleep, then they kicked back up again. so i started walking around the house...when i got tired i sat on the loo..it was the only semi comfterbal place i could find. (chris was asleep on the lounge floor for this) then i called the midwives at 4am and asked if i should come in. they said pandol and a warm bath. this time i ignored that and just had a warm face washer on my back (my contractions where at the fount but i needed SOMETHING to distract me!) by 5:45 i couldnt keep it up. i was starting to get vocal about the pain and almost crying becuase it 'hurt' so much. but between each contraction i was able to move around a little, never far from the computer so i could keep track of the contractions. so i called the midwives and told them i couldnt handle it any longer and i needed to come in. so at 6:30 chris and i left home and went down into the hospital. i think i freaked a few guys out in another car with the face i pulled in the middle of a contraction in the car. but we got to the hospital and walked up two flights of stairs (they had a lift but i thought i'd be better to help 'blip' move down) got to the maternity ward. saw a midwife who said "what would you do if we sent you home?" and i said "i'd be happy knowing WHERE i'm at with this labour becuase its been going basicly since 5:30 last nught and i need to know my body is doing something!" she did an internal i was 5-6cm, membrains bolgeing. and becuase i was GBS+ they admited me. and settled me into a room. chris went and got the labour bag (it had clothes, lollies..spray bottle...but never got used!) and set me up. the contractions around im guessing 8am (i lost all consept of time once they took my watch off at 7:10am) got a little harder to deal with so i went and plonked myself of on the loo. the midwife then stuck her head in and asked if it was ok to have a student doctor sit in on the birth and is said yes. she pointed out (for the second time chris said) that it was a male and i said "he needs to learn too ya know" im thinking thats when transition started. becuase around 9:10am my waters broke. leading upto that i became rather...vocal (i was useing gas too) with the pain. the only word i could get out was "Pain" along with a skreech and clawing at the loo paper holder. when my waters broke all i could get out was "broken...water...water...broken...water...wat er" (i can rember that much) chris then had to explain to the midwife that my waters had broken. she got a pad thing and checked they where clear/pink. i rember seeing a little pink in them..and though "I'm loseing my baby" then realised i was in LABOUR. i think it was around 11:30am i started really screaming and loseing it. begging for something stronger. chris i think wanted me to have something other then gas (he was in tears seeing me screaming in pain and thrashing around scraching at walls and banging on them). she came in and told me she could give me pethadien.but that wouldnt take the pain away, just relax me between contractions and i was already relaxed. i'd said i didnt want an epidural so that wasnt even on the table. when i told her i couldnt do it she said "yes you can. get in the shower, that'll help" and i grunted at her...then let out another "pain" yell. she then suggested i get into the bath. but first they needed to do an internal to see how far diolated i was. and that was HARD. the gas went strait to my legs. along with contractions...i pulled myself up and held onto the wall and basicly though myelf onto the bed. and told them i couldnt do it on my back...so they put the bed fully sitting up and i hugged the back of it. she checked. 9cm. they went and ran the bath. mean while im on the bed sucking down the gas and biteing on it too...chris told me at the point "i love you and i know you can do it...now DRINK" next thing i knew i was told to walk to the bath. so i did..with a sheet rapped around my lower half. i found out it was the water birth bath. so that was an upside. i got in the bath and relaxed. haveing the warm water on my body made me relax alot more. i also think thats when 'blip' started to come down becuase conrations became alot harder with a more defined brake between. i rember doing my normal 'pain' cry then it changed. my body was wanting to push. i told the midwife "push. needing" and she told me to hold off because i wasnt at 10cm yet. 4 conractions later and i was saying "need to push. but cant push. but am pushing" and she told me to do what my body wanted. so i started pushing. then after a while i had the urge to check to see if i could feel the baby...and i could...i could feel this hard...lump...my baby was comming...she checked and said "yes, thats you babies head..your doing good!" kept pushing. a while later i checked again. this time it was much further down. she checked again and told me i was doing good. i was still in the water at this point and she asked if i'd like to get out or stay (the other midwife who was assisting was trained in water birth) i said stay. no way was i getting out when the water was supporting my waight and allowing me to relax between contractions. when i was bearing down i didnt use the gas (so for about an hour) i was just going with the flow. then i checked the head. and it was RIGHT THERE. i told the midwife "head. coming. down. out." she checked. and sure enough it was getting VERY close to the birth. she said "i'll be having lunch by 1 o'clock!"

thats when things got hard the head was comming down and i'd heard of this called 'the ring of fire' well IT was (for me) it burned, but in a good way...in my mind (maybe the gas affected it!) all i could think was "burn burn burn...burning ring of fire" which was odd! but the head came out (half in half out) and i swear my contractions STOPPED. i told the midwife this. she said they hadn't and to just breathe. so i tired. then another contraction. burn. burn. burn. contraction. strange feeling. contraction. ohh my god. i looked down and saw this gray body. i grabbed the baby and pulled him up onto my chest. chris has told me i then said "ohh no..." then turned around to see what we'd had...it was a boy! a little Darren! they rubbed him. and camped the cord. i demanded chris cut it he did. they took him away...i waited. time stood still...then we heard the cry. i was pulled out of the bath and given the shot for the plasenta. laied down with a bean bag and my shirt taken off (i left it on..for the WHOLE thing) and they bought little darren back to us and laid him on my chest. the plasenter came out with 2 pushes (and some traction i think?) and i just looked at this little darren of ours. trying to understand that he was MINE that was my blip. the blip i'd had in my belly for nine months! i told the midwife i'd torn, i could feel it. she said she'd look at it when we got back to the labour room so off we go. i was put in a wheel chair for that. i then got told to get on the bed, i had torn they needed a guy to come stich me up. chris held little darren...and hour and a half it took. i tore my left labiea. pritty badly too. then i had a shower. chris had to watch me and help me. which he did. the only thing i asked of him was not to look 'down there' becuase i didnt want to see it, why should he! at half past two we started to try and feed, with little sucess...but i was deremend to get darren on the boob. we settled into the room i'd be in the next two days. people came and said hi. sunday darren ended up being put in SCN becuase of a chest infection. on the upside he did learn how to attach, as it was comforting for him early sunday moring. and i learnt how to hand express! he'll be out of SCN on saterday hopfully. he's a good little boobie cub. (chris calls him cub because of the little squeek he makes when he's feeding)

the birth of Darren was the most impowering experance of my life.

Stats:
Lenth : 53cm
waight 7.14pound
Apgar 7 and 9
head cerc. 35cm

Labour:
contractions : 18hrs (give or take)
Pushing: an hour (im guessing)
plasenta delivery: 20mins (assisted)

im sitting here and both boys are asleep. i should be doing house work. but DH is at work all day (8am-10pm) so i thought i'd take the chance to unload it all while i can.

Sunday we had my nan's 90th birthday. which mid-way though we had 4 ambos at my mum and dads. nan had a turn and ended up (lowered) on the floor. her blood pressure dropped and she passed out. she stopped (or it couldn't be felt) breathing and her paulse was un able to to be found. scary, scary times. makes me realise she wont always be there. she's a wonderful women. she's made it though cancer and a marraige brake down. she's still going. she's a women i admire and respect more then words can explain.

i respect her more then my own mother. my nan has faced alot more crap in her life then my mother (that i know of) and is still a good women. my mother on the other hand takes it out on the world. and mainly me. you see i am never good enough. or what i do is always picked on, pulled apart and then smooshed back together how it suits her. i cannot say a thing right. and i am *always* wrong or doing something wrong. but with nan. she allows me to make mistakes but never judges me. she just watchs and will offer advice when asked. i wish my mother could take a page out of her book in that regard. she wasnt a bad mum. just she was going though alot when i was too. and sadly didnt take her own advice of "its not about you its about the kids" when i needed her.

yep. just had one and BB is down *grumble*

After my last angst filled rant/rave/online tirade. i had one.

ironicly as i got out of the shower, stranger things have come into my head after them though.

I realised that my SIL and BIL aren't worth my anger. they're not even worth my pitty. talking to DH last night about them. and the things i couldn't bring myself to do for them off my own batt, but WOULD do them if MIL asked. why you're wondering (most likely whilest rolling your eyes) because its MIL. she's been a wonderful second mother to me. she's helped me out more then my own mother has. she's been there. she's helped us with out asking. her and FIL bring dinner over once aweek as its 'too cold' for the boys right now for us to go over there. they've helped us in more ways then i care to count. they stepped up - with out a qarm when i was in hospital with Vic. for that i am forever in their debt. my BIL and SIL on the other hand have also been helped out by them. but they don't seem to have the same...i guess respect for them. i would happily bend into a pretzal for MIL and FIL. BIL and SIL nope. not so much. and i feel for MIL. she's stuck. while DH and I dont get on with BIL and SIL. i have tried. for five long years i have tired. now i have my boys, i cannot and will not allow them to consume me. there is no real relationship there which i can now accept. they have their self-centered lives. and we have ours.

I admit it brakes my heart in some ways. i'm not super close to my own sister, but i would do anything for her. hell when i was 10 i chased a boy in the court my folks live in for stealing her diary, and almost caught the bugger too 'cept he ran out of the court. but BIL wouldn't do that for DH. nope why bother? he's not getting anything out of it. for me family is the be all and end all. my father always used to tell me that blood is thicker then water. and for me it is. my family is by no means small. my 21st was 90% family. that was 80 people right there. (70 showed up as people couldn't make it) im proud of my family. at the beginning of this year DH, DJ and I in the space of three months traveled for over 24hours all up to go to family avents. plus we had two of our own - one of which ment an aunt and uncle of mine from the north of Victoria FLEW down for. yes, they got on a plane and flew down for that. all my family seem to have an understanding if your kinda near some ones place call and see if their home and come over for coffee. i've had a few aunts and uncles pop in. plus a cousin of mine. the whole "door is always open" thing applies i guess. i'd even offer a bed - if we had a fold out coutch or even a futon thingy. our house is small but the offer is always there. (hell they could camp out in the back yard!)

i guess what im rambleing about is that i've morned the loss of BIL and SIL and close family. they're not - a this rate of knots - going to have much todo with my boys out side of seeing them when we see MIL and FIL. unless MIL asked me to help in some way. as i said that would out of respect for her and all she and FIL has done. i no longer hold that seed of anger in my chest. it no longer needs to be there as that one way street of "give give give" has closed. i cannot give any more of me to those people who for what ever stupid reson cannot even be adult enough to be civil towards myself, be warm enough (and have enough respect) to write my name and DH's in a card meant to be a celibration of our sons birth into this world. they, they do dont deserve my time. and I as a wife, a mother and a daughter/sister in law deserve more. maybe after they have their baby safely earth side SIL may well open her eyes. she may understand that the road i walk is the on less taken. i may be 8 years her Junior but i've walked the hard mile. and will continue to do so, because that is what a mother does. i put myself out there, i've been kicked while i've been on my knees and clawed my way back to my feet and i'll be kicked again. i'll struggle. but no matter how black my world is, my family above all else. come first. something i can only hope they understand extends past her family. BIL has a family too, but ties can only be streched so much. the one he had with his brother (DH) has broken. and the one they both had with me has shattered too.

soo its fathers day. it was a nice day for DH. his first fathersday with both our boys.

the splatter comes thank to my SIL and BIL. they really showed off their twattery skills today.

lemme pre-face by saying i know my SIL is not me and my BIL has long since burned bridges with DH.

Its fathers day so MIL arranged for us "all" (read DH, Me, DJ, Vic BIL and SIL) to come to their (MIL's) place for afternoon tea. noice. we where told to be there around 3. i did call MIL about 2:30 and tell her we'd be late as DJ was still asleep. we managed to get there at 3:45pm. not bad seeing as DJ woke up at 3:20. well FIL isn't there. i ask MIL if he was out getting pizzas. nope. he was at BIL's place 0_o ok. fair enough they're expecting their first baby. whats he doing? helping BIL fill the skip he hired...ON FRIGGIN FATHERS DAY!?!!? BIL asked for his help, rather then doing it ohh a weekend later. he did it on FATHERS DAY. twat. this is even more annoying (for me) as FIL is no spring chicken. he's nearer to 73 then 72. he's slowing down. BIL can't ask any of his friends for help. and as i said he's burned bridges with DH. SIL could help but thats doubtful. she's a small built women. but also the type who'd not help out as its 'mens' work. she's 18 weeks UTD. at 18 weeks i was up and down ladders (with BOTH boys) and helping DH move things. DH had to stop me doing things so i didn't hurt myself. but thats me. and im a much more phyiscal person then she is.
once they arrived at PIL's place DJ - as if on que- screamed! boy was a glad that happend. they got a shock (good!) and kind of took a step back. it took a while for me to 'show' vic to them as well quite frankly i was happy if they didn't see him. i cannot hide the contempt i hold them in after the fucking shitty excuess of a card they gave us for his birth. not even addressed to ANY FUCKING ONE. sorry, but after the hellish path i walked after his birth i derve a name on a fucking card. i pushed a 9lb6.5oz baby boy out of MY VAGINA in under two hours. that deserves some regignision. but nope. i showed them the photos we have. supprise supprise they flicked quick past the ones of SCN when vic had the IV line in his HEAD. and the photos we have of the CVC line. scary eh? but i got my own back - a short accont of the labour. think "AAAAAAAAAAARG -pop- " type thing. i didnt care. im hurt and im bloody angry at them. the disrespectful little fucking shits.

in 5 years they've slapped this face one too meany times. in 5 years i've been plaied out as the bad guy. for 5 fucking years i have sat by and not said anything for fear of hurting PIL. but now my ability to turn the other cheek is thinning. i will not stand for being disrespected by people who want to be close to my kids. i birthed them into this world so give me SOME respect or you'll see what lerks beneath this bubbly personality that seems to let it all 'slide on by' when i get arked up hevean help you. becuase hell sure as hell cant. i've pushed the line with them. yes. i've been to friendly for sure. but i have not once bitched about them. or said how they make me feel (other then to DH) the only times i have was 1) when BIl left a piss weak note about me and i turned my back on him - better then me getting stuck into him and 2) telling MIL that i was really hurt by that note and that it affected me. supprise supprise DH and I got engaged. ooo a month before they got married. opps didn't plan THAT one. twats. then i fall with DJ - anger out the ass hole there - moving faster then THEY did. we get married and birth DJ in to this world. then when DJ was 7 months old we fall with Vic, oppies, too fast again? i guess so. now they play games. get DJ a chrissie pressie last year, come to his 1st birthday but ignore my 21st and fail to write on a card for vics birth. hrrm i smell a rat. a rat called they want to be the 'best' aunt and uncle to my kids one issue with that. they need to get along with DH and ME. yep ME TOO. they aren't even known as aunt.S or uncle T. nope. they have done nothing to warrent that title. stupid, stupid people. i know i wont be an aunt to their child. i wont force it nor play stupid games. i will offer support as that is who i am. kick me when i'm down and i'll pull myself back up if a child is invlolved, not for my sake but for theirs. they are so pure children they dont know what a grudge is. why should i show them? they need help i'm there.

hopefully after their child is earth side safely they'll understand. but they'll still hold me in contempt of all things 'normal' but pfft. who wants normal? life in this nut house is better then anything they'd ever know!

Part of me thinks they're like this too because of the age differance between DH and I. nearer to 11 years. scary when you think about it. or when DH brings up something about "in 1990..." and i smile and say "yep. i was a year old!" they dont like this. mainly SIL. she's the kind of female who...for lack of a better description wants male attention but cannot seem to get it if there is another female within a bulls piss of her. she's quiet and kinda mouse like. me? im anything but- comming from me who cut the old window seal on the old Holden DH and I are doing up - after cutting back a wheel we used on the car with *drool* a noice drill. she's just...meek i guess. dont get me wrong i've tried to be 'friends' with them but since moving into the house DH and I are in now - things have 'stableised' as such. but since the birth of out boys have become less so. i'd never flat out say "nope they cant see them" as thats not fair on PIL, who have done so, so,so,so much for us. the only time i said that was after DJ was born they where NOT to come to the hospital as if felt slapped in the face from christmas prior. (who wouldn't if all you got was "do you know if its a boy or a girl" in four hours...) with vic i made no such comment. hell DH even managed to SMS them about the birth. but hey. i know now not to expect much.


in other less interesting news DH and I have talked about #3. it seems like a 'maybe' at this point as i felt, looking at our bed thismoring that a third little body would make it compleat. but we'll see. my urge to have a third is still strong :-/ but who knows once we start TT it may change, lol. but i think i'm nuts for wanting another...but the heart wants what the heart wants...

and DJ's teeth are springing into place too.
i feel bloody horrable with this whole teething caper. mind you i'm "lucky" according to some (who need to me melly bashed HARD) that DJ is over 12 months. you see DJ got TWO teeth at 6 months. then sweet fuck all until he was 11 months and nother two popped up. since then? three molars (so 12 points there) and two eye teeth, plus what looks like a fourth molar AND the other two eye teeth...AT ONCE. yep. im lucky.

add into this mix of things Vic got vax'd yesterday and has been unsettled. and i got sweet fuck all sleep last night between him, the crap single bed we have (DH is almost 32 so that bed would be nearer to 40) and the cat. i love Bella muss. but sometimes i love my sleep more.

I will how ever now stand up on my soap box and have a good 'ole rant and rave about Vaxing. yes, we do it in this house hold minus one - chicken pox.

this, in victoria is done at 18 months. DJ how ever will *not* be having it after already suffering though it once

I posted on FB after a stupid news report on chicken pox and one boy who had 'died from it' as far as i know yes, it is possable to die from it. just as it is possable to die from a cold sore. the body "attacks' the brain, not the infection and that leads to death. four people per year die of chicken pox. i had two people tell me that i should get vic vax'd against it. aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhNO. my sister seems to think i was after she had it - and i didnt seem to catch it off her - read i was within 10 feet of her the WHOLE time as well as being exposed to the same kids who where contagoius. i cant remember to be honest. one of these bright sparks told me that vic could get married and concract chicken pox and expose his UTD wife. umm, a)he can make the choice to be vax'd against it and b) DJ got it while i was UTD with vic. arugemnt fail? yep. now i can understand measels. and the others. but chicken pox? nope sorry. dont get that one. a 'normal' child hood illness in my books. where they have spent the $$ to come up with this that $$ could have been spent on cancer reserch or something that helps save more then 4 lives a year. i got shitty also about this seeing as i said "its whats right for myself and MY FAMILY" yet that was ignored. also yesterday when vic got jabbed i was asked if i wanted a hooping cough jab. i said no. im not feeling 100% and would rather not have a pointy bit of metal shoved into my arm at this point. only to be told it was "best" because i could catch hooping cough and give it to my kids. - umm how? im a SHAM where i go the kids go. we all get it at once. they dont attend play group *yet*, so expouser is limited. ALSO what friggin' ticked me off was that after vic's needles the women told me "ah mothers always get so up tight about needles" and i said "yep, well this aint his first lot of IM (intrermuscular) needles eather. this would take the tally at a guess up to at least 6. not to mention the hour and 20mins they spent trying to get a long line in, PLUS the GA, ohh and the sedation too" then they crapped on about how my boys where sick so i needed the hooping cough vax. cant friggin' win ay?

Ohh then to top off my LOVELY day yesterday DH went off to work. DJ cracked it (common now) and thats all well and good but vic was also unsettled. so i had two screaming bubs at 6:50pm (ohh you'll understand why i noted the time) i hear a knock at the door - assumption door to door sales man (who the fuck does this in the dark BTW?) i ignore it. repeat another 6 times, louder each time - with kids screaming (you could hear them out side im sure) and i finaly think "maybe its the inlaws" i open the door - lucky for the guy behind it i'd put my boob back in my top. i get the "good evening mam" line and i look the guy dead in the eye and say "Ohh Piss off will you?" and slammed the door. a first for me. normaly im very nice and tell them "no sorry we'll contact you if you want" but last night i skipped the niceitys and went stait to biatch. sorry dude, but you hear my kids crying and screaming and STILL knock at my door? your fail. not mine.
So today im going to hang a sign on the door
"Knock at own risk.
Forget the dog
Moody house wife inside"

or something to that affect. im not feeling like being nice.

now to go and see if the rain will hold off long enough for me to go down the shops with both boys and get some kind of chocolate...

this post is inspired by a post on BB, made by the lovely Mrs D. Scruffy. (and her wonderfuly DH's birthday and 17 years of marraige)

DH and I have been married two years come 27th of November. two babies in that time. and a whole lotta shite in a middle.

When we started dateing i was in year 12. about 4 or 5 weeks off being 17. (so 16) and i met DH while working at subway. we'd been friends via Email for a few months. when i broke up with a then boyfriend i was talking to a girl i worked with and explained how i felt towards DH she made a comment that well...made me go out with DH - "bah, you like him go out with him. its about YOU guys and not your friends. be happy with him" and i listend to her and here i am now. Mrs DH! haha. I lost *all* of my friends when we started dating. almost got kicked out of school - thanks to me shoving a former best friend into a wall; which i was most proud i *did* punch her in the face, she'd have a concaved nose. but he stood by me. he delt with the repocations of an abusive relationship on my end. and my depression. the self harm that came with it. after i finished school i kept on with a chefs apprentiship, which DH delt with the fall out from that - depression and the start of angsiaty - thanks to the bitch i worked under. he also got to walk down the street with me - while i had a sexy black eye and an eyebrow glued back together after an accident. ironicly with a shirt saying "its only illigal if you get caught" bright idea wasn't it? LOL. but we plodded along. my BIL and SIL made a point of showing their dislike for me not long after i turned 18. they claim i dont like them after DH forgot (due to anti depressants he was on at the time) to put my name on their engagment card. to the point the first 4 nights after i turned 18, i staied over at DH's having my licance and all it was brillaint. they didn't think so, so an A4 sheet of paper had a note written on it - telling DH and if i was to stay over (he was renting his brothers house...) they needed to know and i could not stay over on a wednesday night 0_o due to SIL staying over. yup, two people 7 years older then I chucked a tanty over me staying over at a house they where *never* in, it may have also been over the fact i cared more about "their" cat before she died after being hit by a car Ohh and maybe due to me staying over and 'alone' in the house one day when we bought Bella muss home and i didn't have tafe and wanted to keep and eye on her and Cougar muss. but eather way they showed they didn't like me. but i got my own back (in a way) when DH bought our current house and asked my mum, aunt and nanna over to our new one (thinking we'd have finished moving) only to have them come and help do a final clean AND my dad rock up to boot to help move our bed. the look on SIL's face seeing me, mum, auntie, nanna and dad all walk out was priceless. i think BIL got the idea of how imporant/close my family was when at mine and DH's wedding DH thanked an aunt and uncle for flying down from muldura for it (a thursday wedding!) at such short notice.
but other things happend to cause more of a rift there. over the christmas i was carrying DJ - SIL did not say one thing to me besides "do you know if its a boy or a girl?" after DJ was born we had arrange to see them for them to meet DJ - not the other way round. they had a minni tanty about DH not texting them when DJ was born. they didnt bother wishing him a happy 30th birthday so we call it even.
and now after a semi "nice" patch meaning christmas last year they bought DJ a small toy and his birthday the same. they didn't come to my 21st (pfft never thought they would) but they slapped me in the face by giving us a card for Vics birth - but addressed to no one. now they're expecting their first but i cant bring myself to be so cold hearted as them. no once again i'll be nice. but any whoo.

in the two years DH and I have been married i've spent 18 months of that UTD LOL. we're getting there. we have our ups and downs as every cuples have.

we have talked about going back for #3. we'er not 100% sure yet but its a maybe...

every time i sit down to blog (read rant/rave/babble) some one wakes up or gets upset.

Been fairly busy around here. we're painting our lounge room/dineing space (its not a room as its connected to the lounge) we've almost finished the feature walls. a lovely dark blue. its already 'lifted' the room. but that didn't take much. as the shitful purple that belongs in an old womens home or doctors waiting room has been made to look some what nicer. but that too shell be gone soon - as we're painting the other walls a nice 1/4 "artic dasiy" or some drivle. its an off white. but it'll make the room nice and bright and non-old women like. (which will make me feel less frumpy!) and we just need to re-paint the window cils too...

Which leads me to this rant. about the dick head son of the women who owned this place before us. my GOD he did a shit job. the lounge walls the paint he painted on sucks balls. its not bloody even. (we saw this before but now its a pain in the friggin' ass) and also. who the FUCK paints over Mission brown. like strait over mission brown? no sand back nothing?!?! its a pain in the friggin' ass. esp. when the mission brown was let to run and we're trying to stand back lumps and bumps. plus the blue thats over it now look dirty (what not to do when UTD? try and clean 'dirty' blue paint that has mission brown under it. it'll never CLEAN!) so we're fixing this. with another coat of DARKER blue. no more dirtyness. if we have paint left over - i'll be attacking the kitchen cupbords with it. they need a good 'ole paint. as does the pantre door. but that can wait. i want to borrow dads sander and attack our huge ass "piddled beer glass door" fame. mission brown. blegh. who ever thought it was "cool" to paint this colour indoors need their head checked, then smoothed.

the upside? DH and I are spending more time together. which consists of me watching and handing over paint. and him cussing out the wall for its crappyness. Ohh and he also ripped the stupid, stupid paint out of the dunny too. as it once again shows how blegh it is. and how cheap the dick head son of the women who owned this house before us really is.

In other news. DH and I have semi agreed that *if* (read more likely then not) we have a 3rd it'll be in two years. - i think DH wants a third more then he'd care to admit, as he told me 'march or october are good months" to have a baby. due to the star signs (yes, we're into them) but who knows. every time i tell some one i have two boys they ask if we'll have a third and aim for a girl. i smile and tell them "pfft, no i want another boy" amusing watching their face change!

Oh looks like i have a Teradactal (DJ) awake.
...i wonder if i give him baked beans tonight if that'd make him noice and farty tomorrow? we may see my *darling* (/sarcasum) brother and sister in law. i'd love nothing more then for him to fart very, very loudly near my SIL, the prudish bitch she is...that and to breast feed in fount of her. OHH LOOK MY BOOBIE IS OUT! ... so much worse then cuddleing DH (cuddled DH in fount of her 4 years ago and she cracked the sads and said she didnt like it 0_o yet she MADE OUT with BIL and i said nothing! sutpid wentch)

*takes deep breath*

alot has happend in the few weeks since my last post.

I've gone on a semi health kick to try and re-gain my body. i say semi as the idea of having a third baby is still ~there~ so i dont want to get my body back to where i want (or would LOVE) it to be, only to have another bub and be back at the first step. but losing 10kg would be nice. heck even more. but we'll see. also because im breast feeding i dont want to push myself too hard.

on that note a WooHOO! i'm still breast feeding. i expressed for DJ until he was just over 4 months old. so half way there for that. but im exlusively breast feeding which is wonderful for me. Vic will take a bottle for me - i have given him one EBM top up after a rough night with DJ and i couldn't attach vic laying down. but since then he's got the idea lol.

DJ has been good the last few weeks with his teething. still a whole other molar to come though (so 4 points) and then 4 eye teeth which im dreading. alot! but we'll get there.

DH, Dj, Vic and I went on a two night escape to Nuggerna - near bernsadle which is near lakes entrace. its really good for gas prices (read 50c p/l! not bad seeing as its around 47c p/l near home) and the place we staied at had some wonderful birds. i named one of the rosellas "little shit" as it was! (i call it him as it was a male thing todo!) little shit would eat out of my hand at one stage i got him to sit on one hand and eat out of the other. but if *any* other bird came onto the rail/table/gound little shit would charge at them. which looked rather comical as one bird that little shit charged at was a magpie! it was also good seeing some of the places that mean alot to DH from his childhood. not much has changed he said. other then a few roads being tared and maybe the odd house here and there.

speaking of houses DH and I have set a goal to save up/repay as much debt as possable to buy (or even build!) a new house for us within 5 years.. hopefully not too far away from family. but we'd like some more space. 1acer would be nice. we saw the *perfect* house for us. but it was too far out for DH and work. it was 1.5acers 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom,2 studys. lovely back yard and BUSH at the back! maybe in time we'll find the right house in the right place. if not we might find land and build (or even kit-house it!) as i've told DH i'd love to have some chooks, maybe even a sheep or two. (or a cow LOL) but time will tell. i'd also like for my boys to grow up with space. i was lucky to have a back yard as a kid. hell we're lucky to have the yard we have at our current house. so many greedy developers leave that out of their plans/blocks now its not funny. a kid needs a back yard to play in! dig holes make mud pies. yes there are parks but im not sure how safe they'd be to dig in. but i may be wrong.

but until tht happens DH and I are thinking of re-painting our loung/dineing space. its an inspipid purple/lilac colour. think: doctors waiting room cheapest, nastyst paint. also not a HUGE help but the fact the window cills and arcotravies where mission brown - but the dick head son of the women who owned this place before us painted strait over the top (and poorly too!) so now its bleeding though which sucks, its a dirty blue/gray now. (and i admit it drove me batty whilest nesting with vic!) but it looks like we've set on some new colours. a nice off white with two shades of blue (we're making the walls with doors feature walls!) so it'll dress the place up. the only rooms left to paint after that is ours and the bathroom/loo. but the loo walls will need to be re-pasterd as the dick head son of the women who owned the place before us just ripped off (we think) so its all pitted. also not helped by my art on one of the walls eather. at the time its the only thing DH would let me be creative with lol.

and in other news my darling *sarcasim* BIL and SIL are expecting their first. due the day before DJ's second birthday. which is nice for them. i hope she goes over though - makes birtdays easier for my PIL as things between BIL and SIL and myself and DH is fairly rocky. but SIL has admited she doesn't really like me. but i dont honestly care. i've been nice to her and BIL. but its a new life comming into this world so i wont be holding a gruge against the child she births into this world. they have no mallace so i'm not going to start any. the thing that *has* bugged me is FIL. SIL is a small built women. and he's going on about how she'll need to have "the baby cut out of her" well he caught me in a bad mood the other day when he said it and i pointed out i birthed a 7lb 15oz baby in DJ. took an hour and 20mins of pushing. with vic i birthed a 9lb 6.5oz baby in under two hours. every women can birth a baby she just needs to know (and trust) her body todo so!

In the next few weeks hopefully we'll be able to get started on the painting and making this house less "little old lady" and more "young family". its taken only..ohh...three years to do much to the inside of the house! DH has been working on the out side. but now its time to work on the inside!

Ohh any one have any ideas what to get a women turning 90? my nan turns 90 in a little over a month and i have nooo idea what to get her!

they are really stupid.

i just went though all of my old pre-preg/baby clothes and threw out 2/3s of them. and i feel like crap.
yep, its 4 weeks post baby but still, i want clothes that FIT me. not just show off all my lumps and bumps and make me feel very, very unattractive. *hmmph*
i've gone from a 14-16 to an 18 Hmmph. so im hoping if i start watching what i eat (and how much!) to lose some of the weight. and maybe feel good about myself. but that wont take away my strechies (when im in a 'normal' better mood i dont mind them) or the fact my belly is streched out and has wringels on it :(

now im going to go and put the clothes in garbo bags and tomorrow take them to the selvos.

i wish i could sleep though.

Today being one of them.

Vic fed every two hours from 11pm last night. while yes we co-sleep vic has never really cottoned onto feeding while laying down. so i still sit up and feed and then cuddle him after. the upside is it takes 20mins per-feed. not bad so i still get an hour and 20mins of sleep. but dj was up at 6:30am. DH made minmal effort to keep things quiet so i dosed from 6:30am until 8am. then i'm up for the day. DH got a shower in there and some odds and ends done. strangly not doing the dishes. Ohh and moving the clothes basket. not putting them away though.

FIL comes over after i have a shower and starts telling me to watch DJ doesn't grab vics eye. yep, i have my OWN eyes and deal with this. vic sleeps, i nick down the shops with DJ as DH and FIL are putting in a canara/fire box thingy. i come home to a very upset vic which means i have to take him out side when i bring in DJ - juggleing an 18 months old and a one month old isn't easy, esp. when walking though muddy puddles

FIL then goes on to tell DH and I that my lovely BIL and SIL (please understand the sarcasum there) are expecting a baby. the DAY BEFORE DJ's 2nd birthday. yay. NOT. i dont want him shareing birthdays (but if their baby chooses to come then, so be it) i shared my birthday with my grandmother and it wasn't always fun. my 18th was forgotten about my 21st was so/so but hey. thats 'cus its ME! any whoo i'm already stressed about what will be expected of me. you see i'm the "nice" once who lets all things "roll off my back like water off a ducks" i'll always support DH and his family. but TBH this time i will struggle. you see after DJ was born they didn't give us a card - why? DH didn't text them about the arrival of DJ - we both called our folks and let them have the plesure of telling every one. this time we called our folks and texted just about every one we could think of to let them know. and this time we got a card. but it wasn't worth the cardbord it was printed on. it was litterly the card sentiment then their names. no "Dear/to Dansta & DH" it was BLANK! ohh but it did have a date on it *rolleyes* and that to me was the biggest fucking slap on the face, i have remained amicable though all of the years of bullshit. and we're talking the near-er to 5 years of it. i asked them to dj's 1st birthday i asked them to my 21st and now THIS.

plus its not a huge help that dispite vic only being a month old im thinking about #3 already. yes, #3. DH has gone from "no never again" to maybe. and even threw in the condition that Vic is to be walking if we have #3.

i think its hitting me just what happend in the last month. which i expected. didn't expect the anger that follows though.

i'm not angry at myself - not yet any way- but angry at the lack of support from my folks. yes, they came and saw vic in SCN - a 40min round trip. which was nice. but while there they told me about a cousin's wife - B - was having issues. they said PND. which i felt for her. i understand she's a quiet rather reserved women who'd be in shock after having her vagina and all else on show while giving birth. then about 48hrs before Vic and i got sent off to "monash" for a few hours i was asking how she was. and its not PND. rather Bi-polar, which A knew about before they got married and B understood that in order to have a healthy baby she needed to go off her medication and was explained what could happen after the birth. now i can understand how hard that'd be to deal with. seeing as i went though depression - i know not the same thing but i can understand how hard it would be dealing with ups and downs with out reason. BUT what shit me the most was the comment my father made to DH while we where in ICU with Vic "ohh B and A are going though hell at the moment" ... ohh THEY are going though hell with Bi-polar. when my cousin A has his mum less then 30seconds down the road from them. B's mum staied with them for the first week and a half. mean while i'm at a hospital over an hour round trip away from DH and DJ. sleeping on fold out chairs, fold out beds even in the waiting room. i've watched my son be poked, proded and even dared to say "come on just BLEED" while they tried to put a long line in his arm - when that failed i watched him get wheeled into theater. waited an hour and a half to see him and held him while he came around. i then had to watch as they removed what they'd put in - only to hold him again while they put a bung in his skelp to sedate him to put another line in. a CVC line. blood comming down his face. waited over an hour again and then got to see him sitting in a cot - with moiters on him and an oxgen tube thing up his nose. i sat there and watched the moiters beep, and the numbers. alone. i couldn't comfort him damn it. and i had no one by my side holding my hand. but hey. A & B are going though hell aren't they? they got to take their son home. they got a healthy baby. both my sons have gone though SCN, both have had to be given anti's with in 48 hours of birth. but thats nothing. my folks couldn't even just say "yes, A&B are having a rough trot but what you and DH are dealing with must be harder still" but nope. none of that. why? its ME. i'm always ment to be the 'strong' one. who rides every thing out. when i fall apart i dont ask for help from any one but DH. and i can't eather. all i get from any member of my family is "its in the past now" yep. too right it is. but damn it it doesn't make the hurt any less. i understand so many others have it alot harder then i've had. so many more women have walked a much rougher road. but for me - and selfishly - its been fucking hard. i've made it though and now i wait. i wait for the walls to come crashing down. the words of the Traveling Wilberrys "And then the walls came down. all the way to hell"

i went into labour on the 30th. ok i lie. i woke up in trainstion on the 30th of june. think - bad period pain - piddle - still there. but then start shaking and wanting to throw up. - longest wait EVER for the inlaws to come around to be there with DJ...including telling DH i'd kill FIL if he wanted to stop and 'chat' after he parked the car (why he'd want to do that at 3:40am i dont know)
got to the hospital about 3:50am. poor guy at the door (the one who keeps the bad guys away LOL) copped it from me when he asked how far apart the contrations where "Fucking close enough" was what he copped. followed by "I'm not fucking sitting down again" when he asked me if i wanted a wheel chair. used the lifts to the maternity ward (with DJ i used the stairs) didn't even get sent to the rooms to be checked out. strait into the birthing rooms. they do an internal. - 7 almost 8cm. "we'll have a baby here soon" my face was something like o_0 i think. DH's was more *jawdrop* due to me being GBS+ i needed a bung and AB's before birthing this baby. bwahahah good luck. drip attempt #1 epic failure. attempt#2 got it. AB's go in. i go to the loo and piddle a little. then throw (how i did that i'm not sure of) myself onto the bed. and the whole "GOTTA POOOO" thing came out. then i get told its my baby (itd be around 4:30am now) soo i push..and pushed...and the "burning ring of fire" starts. then "pop" ohh look my waters broke. pushed some more...the head is comming i heard "Look at the hair!!" from a MW. pushed once more (so a grand total of 3 or 4 pushes) and the head is out. then the body follows. and the rest of the water too - light mec staining but its "fresh" and that was grose the waters falling onto my feet. ick! pulled "bundy" though and bundy was infact a boy! who looks like DH - dark hair dark (blue) eyes and olivey skin. he was also 9lb6.5oz (or 4.2kg) and 56cm long and hed cerc of 36.5cm but it wasn't to last. bundy (or Vic now lol) had a temp. so off to SCN he goes. temp was resloved by the time he reached SCN - but his blood sugar levels where low - so he was given formular. the pead on that morning wanted to start ABs then and there, but i declined asking for the blood tests to come back before we made a call - as i felt that i didnt want vic to have AB's for nothing. bloods came back with a raised CRP (marker for infection) so the ABs where started. they did a blood colurer and what not, also his platlets where low which was a worry. so they did more bloods and the platlests came up. over the next few days but also in that time vic had to have a lumber puncture as well are a u/s on his brain. they suspected meningitus - which cant be friggin' bad. at that point he was on 3 differant AB's as they where "hitting it with every thing" they could. then we found out we'd need to go to monash hospital - due to vic running out of IV spots fast. they'd used his left arm and right foot. and they couldn't find another vein. so off to monash for a "few hours" for a long line (a more long term drip) but that failed. so we had a hickmans put in (again more long term but needed a GA for it to be put in :-\) and with in 24hours that was out (so that takes us up til friday) so they where getting to the bottom of the barral of things todo. so they put in a CVC line. which ment a sedation. and we spend friday night though til late monday arvo in ICU. friday night i lost it. i was numb. watching my baby boy go though it. i couldn't deal with it. and i cried. watching the moiters numbers go up and down. i also couldn't feed vic as no one would hold an oxygen tube near his face as apposed to the things up his nose. but by early saterday morning they where taken out. and he only had a probe on his foot for oxygen staturation levels and heart rate. sleeping in a fold out chair isn't the easiest thing. i found i'd only sleep from 1am-5:40am - when vic slept. a few ICU nurses joked i was the energiser bunny and i just kept going. what had me going at that point was the fact we only haf 3 days of anti's left. or 72 hours (i think it was) late monday we got moved to the peads ward. which ment only 4hourly Ob's and anti's every 8. they where fairly busy - watching them move beds/cots in the wee hours was fun. best of all i could feed vic as often as i wanted and i didn't have some one with me 24/7. so it was one step nearer to 'normal' then finaly wednesday night rolled around. last anits at 10pm. thursday rolls around...waiting waiting waiting. the peads come around 11:30. we get the all clear to go home! ahh soo happy.
last night was good. thismoring a little harder - seeing as DJ had a tanty from 3am until almost 7am poor DH tired from 3am til just before 6am and i took over. with both boys at one point getting upset. hopefully it passes soon, i know i can deal with it. but DH will struggle on little sleep.

still here.
had a second S&S today. not much has changed. i went 11 days over with DJ.

i have an U/S tomorrow to check fluid and plasenter. then CTG in the arvo. which will be fun. thursday is an OB appt to go over the results and talk about the induction. really not keen on the last part. i'm GBS+ so braking my waters makes me feel a little uneasy but i'll do what i can. i hope they put the gel in and its enough to get me "going" if it comes to that.

Feeling good within myself though. although i will admit its getting hard to get in and out of the car now. and my shirts all ride up. but it's something im willing to smile about. i know that its not "forever" i look forward to the labour as strange as that sounds. the pain...its not a bad pain if i make much sense. its a working pain, the kind that feels in its own warped way good. the way i laboured with DJ was...just...the most out of control but the most control i think i've ever been. knowing that the normal thoughts where really outta whack the sub thoughts where all i needed. i sound strange typing it out. mmm...but its hard to explain. people ask after birth "did it hurt" and i can't help but say "yep, it did. but not in a bad kind of way. it was a working pain that bought DJ into the world and it was worth it"

now i just need to get bundy to do what i want IE DROP and POP and things will be swimming. not easy but they'll work out. some how.

i can't wait to find out if we'll have a little Carlton or a Little Krystal in our arms. thats the part im looking forward too most. (if it is a girl...it'll be a shock as every one thinks boy LOL)

still here. still up the duff. still...two people at once.

i'm not "over it" as such. but i am dying to meet this new little person who is growing inside of me. i'm also dying to crack my back and drink a can of Jimmy that i got for my 21st. Ohh and also being able to put on shoes and see my feet, and not worry about the bottem end (or rather bundys top end) getting cold. yes even my maternity shirts have waved the white flag and have run north for the winter. fun.

we've been doing things to get this little one out - DTD, RLT (i think im peeing RLT now too BTW) walking, fit-ball bouncing heck even dancing. but this little one seems rather happy to be on the inside. which i admit i do like the kicks.

We also have an "end date" for all this too. friday. that'll put me bang on 42 weeks. the last of the 'normal' over dueness. that is ofcorse after having a CTG (or at least one) and an u/s to check on everything. FUN! speaking of the u.s, i called thismoring at 9am to make the appt. this is how it went
Lady (l) : hows 2pm
Me: Umm i have a CTG at 2pm. do you have a time before that please?
L: Hrmm. 11am ok?
Me: Yep that sounds good
L: I really hope you go before then it stuffs up my day......and yours too i guess.
Me: yeah, something like that.

WTF? come on. like i PLANNED to go over. just becuase im putting my feet (where ever they may be!) down and saying no to induction until 42 weeks as i feel its best for myself AND my baby no need to get snippy. but the MW who i talked to thismoring also was snippy but she was busy - seeing as all i wanted was a S&S. which i have to call back soon about to see if they can 'fit me in' at some point today. if not i'll ask for tomorrow as i *really* would like to 'go' before having to be induced.

i havent seen or talked to my folks since thursday and im fairly angry about this. no effort from them. yes i could pick up the phone but they're my MUM AND DAD they should be checking up on me. i'm the one whoes OVER FRIGGIN' DUE!?! what will it take? im temped (ohh soooo very tempted) not to tell them when i go into hospital. and let them call my inlaws to find out. but thats cruel and i'd be the "bad guy" again. i have how ever today realised it may be due to me not "following" my mothers path and having a tromatic first labour/birth. i listen to my inner voice and most of all i educate myself on things. i dread to tell her i'll be going the full 14 days 'over' and making sure the induction goes well - even if it means a little up hill battle on my behalf. i also think that she's got issues with me as an adult. she has no control over me, unlike my sister.

OOO speaking of my sister i caught up with her last night. after DH, DJ and I went and towed her friends car out of a bog...in the middle of suburbia! haha DH took three goes to get it out. first try was when they snapped a rope. second i called a stop - as it looked like it was getting more bigged and third time i yelled at all the guys standing around to help push while DH pulled (with the car) and the driver had it in reverse. and it worked. which was good. but i felt like the mother hen telling the boys what to do!

so now i wait for DH to come home so i can call the MW's about the S&S and see what happens. as he's at bunnings returning a MIG welder he bought yesterday - due to it always killing a fuse! heres hoping he eather gets his $$$ back OR a new one that works!

yay! rain. i like rain.
its meant to be like this all weekend. so its bad as i'll be stuck indoors but good seeing as well...it means DH will also be suck inside!

according to my theory i should infact go into labour this weekend. you see before i had DJ Mr President Obarma was swarn in to office (even though he had to re-take the oth due to the dumb guy doing the swearing in) and then DJ came into this world on the hottest day on record. so two massive things. then we have this week. Mr Rudd was over thrown as our PM - and our first "female prime minster" was sworn in. (and i have been doing alot of swearing about that myself) and this weekend is meant to be heavy rain all weekend. so if my theory is right (pfft like it is) bundy will come into this world this weekend....so i hope. as i'm currently sitting on 5 days 'post due' which while im enjoying it. im longing to find out if bundy is a boy or a girl (once again DH thinks yes, they are due to me trying to send a "girl" card to a cousin who had a BOY on monday) and just to start the whole family of four thing. well.. tectonically 6 as we consider our cats to be part of our family.

but we'll wait and see (what else can one do?) i have a midwife appt tomorrow to book in an induction - which i'll be telling them (nicely) will be done Sunday week (which will put me bang on 42 weeks) and NO earlier - unless they can tell me something is not 'right' IE my plasenter isn't working fully. they can kindly bugger off!

speaking of birth i keep thinking about how lucky i was/am to have had the birth i did with DJ. considering the labour (all up) was 31 hours i did well. with only Gas after 24. i was lucky that i had found BB to open my mind (and that of DHs and any one else who'd listen) to birth and the normality of it. none of this 12 hour crap. none of this "labour pains are not regular until...." or "after so meany hours its best to do ...." i read all i could from BB the birth storys the ones that where good bad and ugly. ones that left women impowered others that left them not so sure. strange as it sounds - i found the spirt of birth with in each and every one. they where all (and still are) such strong women to have birthed their babies, be it via the normal exit tunnel or via the French doors. they did it. and i for one am honored that they'd share it with me (and the world). i also found birth to be a deeply spiritual experance. i may have said it before but i have never felt so close to that fine line between this world and the next. to think that my body became the crack 'between the worlds' is a powerful thing. i can remember thinking about a wise women (spirit) in the room guiding my body though each contraction. showing my baby their way into this world. protecting both of us from harm and allowing the curton between this world and the next to be opened just enough to allow DJ into the world. i'm longing to have that happen again.

If this baby - bundy is a boy they'll have two middles names (as i do and DJ also). one is Victor the other Bruce so their full name will be Carlton Victor Bruce A____. the reson for two middle names is that they're both very important to me. my late grandfather - Victor was the only grand father i knew. a tall strong man who taught my father (who then tought me) that its not about where a person is comming from its where they're going. their history may not be a nicest but they very well could be. a lesson i want DJ (and bundy) to also understand and learn. Bruce was my late uncle. my fathers youngest brother who was taken from this world by cancer. he was a smoker so although not unexpected still makes it hard. he was also the nicest person and possably the cleanest michanic that i've ever known. he was a wonderful man who always had time for myself and my sister. he was also the "cool" uncle in the fact he drank and was rather funny - he showed up to my cousins wedding with out a tie. so what did he do? use the loo paper! needless to say my aunt (dads sister) was not impressed by this (but myself and my sister where, have you ever tried to tie loo paper as a tie??) and the Carlton well thats just a name DH likes. he named DJ (well out of the 4 names he has 1 of which being our surname DH picked two. DJ carries my maiden name as my father never had a son todo so. dispite the fact i was more tomboy then girly girl.

so hopefully this weekend bundy will come out. i think DH is miffed after the MW told us last week she thinks 8 and a half pounds worth of baby is going to come out of my vagina. hes worried that it wont happen. i'm worried it'll happen too fast and i'll end up birthing at home or worse...IN THE CAR hahah. not really. this bubba i think will be 8lb2oz. but we have another MW appt tomorrow.

come on bundy. time to come out...please? before i eat the entire stock of Choc-ripple biccies...

alright lets start with the Hmmph! first.
I'm still carrying around bundy. FUN. yes, i knew i'd go over. yes its only 4days but with the other girls in my BellyBuddies group on BB popping left right and center i feel a little hmmph'd about it! i want my Newborn snuggles (then ask me 6 weeks post birth and i'll be asking to stick them back inside!) i know it'll be hard. the last three nights have been with DJ thanks to a second molar comming on up (bottom gum) and the wind that comes with it (my god his farts put his dads to shame!) but i also want to crack my back something cronic. i did that after having DJ and my GOD did it feel good. i'm looking forward to the labour and birth though. im not 'worried' about it. i LOVED giving birth with DJ. a true "orgasmic" birth. one that i walked away feeling so impowered by, i felt i'd done my body proud and then some. im hoping this time is the same. but i also know i'll miss the rolls and kicks. catch 22 isnt it?

now onto the political vet.
Gillard. she is now our PM. yay. NOT. i'm fairly crappy about it. sure Mr Rudd wasn't doing too well. but she stuck a knife in his back after only what two weeks ago saying she'd not try and take his roll? mmm bitchy much? if she had taken the party THOUGH and election then maybe i'd have some respect for the women. i found it hard to swollow that our first female PM has taken the lead roll in this way. she could not HOLD OUT until after the next election before the challange? what more is she had to do it at what 8:30PM last night? thats a little low also in my mind. i'm already tired of the fanfair. if she'd WON the election then i'd be cheering just as hard. im not really good with parties and all that jazz but as far as i can see she's taken the bull by the testicals and claiming its for the best. she is comming across like she's going to be told what to do by the Unions. i'm not sure how i feel about the mining tax that was proposed. the adds didn't make it very clear. but thats not the point. yes, Mr Rudd stuffed up. he's only human after all. but her? she's gone and stabbed the poor guy in the back. she's been underhanded about this. if it was any.other.person. (man or women) from the party i'd still be shitty. they couldn't let the man finish his term as PM. and Mr swan. well...he's just a dirty as she is. he was ment to be a support which clearly he failed - epicly - at. was he not the one to come up with the tax? or at least support it for HIS BUDGET? arg. maybe i'm out of line but COME ON. what they BOTH did was a Dog act. not something that people should be happy about. i'm also worried now Mr Abbot will win the next election. not good for us women. bloody church and state should be kept seperate! arg.

now...all i need is bad weather and it'll make it two for two.
Dj was born not long after Mr Obarma was sworn in and head honcho for the USA, then black saterday is DJ's birthday. so could it be first *cringe* female PM and bad weather this weekend for bundys entrance??

so this puts me at 40+2. Yay.

If i could go any greener i'd blend in with grass!

a cousin of mine had her baby yesterday...ON HER EDD! gah. not fair. even a day over and i'd have been happy LOL.
Although not a bad effort. 7lb10oz and thats all i know other then name LOL. my father called me with the "news" last night the converation went something like this:

Me: ello
dad: yooou got beaten to the punch
me: Eh? waa? mmm..
dad: B had her baby today. a boy
me: WOOOT I WAS RIGHT *yells at DH I WAS RIGHT*
me: sorry..tell me the rest
dad: Steven Alexander 7lb10oz
me: size? whoes he look like?
dad: i dunno your mum knows but she's eating dinner.
me: mmk, well i better go PIL are here.
dad: ok, if anything happens call bye!

so i was left feeling a weee bit green eye'd about it! now to wait for bundy to arrive...i know i'll miss the belly, but at the same time i'm ready to have two babies under two. and well...the sooner the better...its scary how fast time has flown...

there goes my EDD.

sounded cool eh?


what did i do on my "due date"?

staied up til 2am with DJ teething. fun. went to bed. woke up every time i rolled over and fed a cat at 6am. up and at it for the day just be for 9am. fun times.
DH sets up computer/stero/recording EQ that is attached to the computer ready and waiting for conveting records (yep, we have vinal in this house) to MP3 or something digital at least. we then headed to the shops and i found i was grumpy by this stage as was DJ but i needed OUT of the house before my mind exited my body (hrm, maybe came back would be closer to the point) which was fun. until some stupid git in Kmart backed into me (yep, 40wks up the duff and I am ment to some how move when i dont know she is moving) and gave ME a dirty look. lets just say she's lucky i wasn't feeling vocal! as the words along the line of "stupid twat your in the MATERNITY clothes section and dont BLOODY LOOK before you step out?!? DO YOU WANT ME TO GO INTO LABOUR?!!?" rather i look that would have made her a puff of smoke made do. didn't end up buying anything eather. sad knowing bundy baby may be my last baby :( but we'll see...maybe in a few years DH will be able to be talked around...i hope! then we has the hords of teenagers who dont seem to understand basic foot trafic rules.
give way to: prams, preggos and anything with wheels.
i almost ran over one while pushing DJ in his pram - she could have moved sideways - i had a wall. but nope, took her almost hitting MY PRAM to do so. clearly never delt with a women carrying a HUMAN (who a Midwife guessed would be around 8 and a half pound 0_0 ) on a sunday, with BIG BLACK bags under her eyes.but it could have been a sight to see her shaped as apretzal after i'd finished. but DH made me "keep waddling"

tonights dinner for me was chips with BBQ sauce. DH got lasarnia i'd frozen. the poor man will be living off snags, hambugers,veggie soup and lasarnia after this bub is born. but they're all things he can defrost and cook LOL. i've got three roasts frozen but i'll cook them - they're easy and it'll "make" DH have some time with BOTH the kiddletts (DJ and Bundy) at some point. as only *now* he's understanding how 'hard' it can be : read putting the stereo together and having DJ trying to stand up useing ones back - then falling backwards and getting upset. (this ended when i tried to put DJ off to sleep) which is always fun!

tomorrow marks the first day of "over due"ness. fun. then i can have fun with any door to door sales people (damn it its winter and they dont come out to play) or any one else who annoies me *evil laugh* it also means that the RLT intake will be going up (rather the one uber mug it'll be 2 or three - each mug with two RLT bags in it!...and a shit load of sugar!) i'm thinking this bub will come out around the 27th of june. 7days over not too bad.

Ohh and the MW appt. i had yesterday i met a midwife i didn't "gel" with. mainly becuase im fairly laid back and have ohh ya know educated myself on birth, my rights and whats 'normal' and the 'alertatives' to most. something i dont think she's used to in a "young mum" but hey. i told her nicely (well DH said i was rather monotone about it so it made it hard to 'read' ) "my body my birth my baby my choice" and left it at that. after the MW appt before that (soo not last weekend the one before) haveing the MW tell me an OB told a women at 40+3 her baby could "die" as she was over made my blood boil. a healthy women not much older then i am. i hope i dont see that OB. their ears would be bleeding by the time i'd finished with them.

other then that i've nested some more. dragged DH out on friday to the supermarket for a "big shop" which was good. and now all we need to keep on top of is the milk (i drank almost 3 lt on my own on friday!) and DJ's tinned food (oh the joys of teething) as he wont eat much when he's grizzly and if i go into labour i know he'll eat it (he's a skinny kid who i worry about! not sure why his dad is a bean poll also!)

now to finish this RLT and go to bed...mind you i'm hoping i get some cramps or something...i've been bugging DH on and off all day "has my belly dropped AT ALL" haha...the poor bugger gets to deal with that from here on in.

i'm sitting here bouncing away on my fit ball. and my hormones are going nuts.

but what else is new for a women whoes "due to give birth at any moment" not much i can assume.

the reason i say over flow is because DH and I have finaly talked about BIL and SIL. DH went over his to his folks place (PIL) to talk to them about it - along with other things - but he can tell them how offended i really am by them. they dont like me and i know it. they've never tried to hide it in any way shape or form. they came to DJ's 1st birthday. but pulled out of my 21st (which i was happy about) yet come easter (a week or so later) they give DJ and easter bunny. they never got me a card for my 21st. now i'm sorry but if you want to play games they've picked the wrong mumma. they can't have a relationship with my son - with out having one with me. or DH for that matter. but they dont seem to get that. until that point i'd never said "no" but now i am. no they wont be seeing us outside of things like christmas - and that for PIL not us. NO i wont be nice if they come to the hospital. and NO i will not be playing games. they've offended me deeply. i know we dont get along with *every one* but we should respect every one (yes, even K Dudd the twat) but they cant even give me that. the olive branch is dead. the whole fucking tree is dead. they've pushed me too far - and even DH said that takes a heck of alot of pushing before i snap back which is fine by me, they've made this bed they can lay in it. i did all i could to try and have some kind of civil relationship with thease people and they turned and walked. and now the fall out. SIL will cry and claim "we did nothing wrong" BIL will try and play the baby also crying fowl. PIL will try and talk DH and I into "sorting it out" but thats too hard to do now at this point. i'm burnt out and i'm now thinking about MY family. MY dh, my DJ, MY bundy and myself. thease people need to understand that they cant have one (dj) with out the others (Me & DH) but maybe now PIL will see that. maybe even open their eyes up to the games that these two have plaied.

i cleaned out some clothes also over the last few days. and that triggered off a whole range of feelings. knowing i'm not going to be a size 12 ever again. that alot of clothes for people my age wont suit me any more. knowing i'll be a mummy that needs to dress a little "older" then i am in order to have nice looking clothes. and deal with my mothers frumpy ones she buys for me from time to time (nice of her...but really not good when she buys everything in a size 22-24 when im a size 16-18 :( ) but she has her own issues with me. but DH has been good and understands that i'll need time post-birth to sort out the sorted out clothes. so that i can have clothes that fit/look nice but are still "young" 'cus right now i feel really friggin' old.

the other thing thats come to a head is my fear that this next bubba will have a rough start like DJ did. i feel for DH because if they do i'll be doing the same thing as i did with DJ and fighting black and blue for them - even if its another SCN stay - i'll be there every day. but we'll cross that bridge if we come to it. never stops the fear though.

i think once this is all over and i re-read this *type* of post i'll wonder why i was thinking half of this. but its better out then in right??

i love my PIL most of the time.

but right now they're really bugging me.
they're older. FIL is 72 and MIL 69. thats all well and good.

FIL has a datsun 120y that i will call the "bomb" from here on in. its road worthy but its a "tired" car. he is the second owner of the car. DH is 31 and the car has been 'in the family' longer then that. the car has had its fair share of work done to do (rear ended twice and a bonet thats been dodgedly re-spraied by FIL. now FIL wants to "clean the car up" to keep it looking good. but at his age its not that easy. DH gave him *his* datbat (looks 110% better then FILs!) so that this bomb would be able to be taken off the road and cleaned up - rust fixed, respray pannles and just get it running right. that good. DH has been off work for 6 weeks. and FIL picked last weekend (just been) to start this work. meaning DH has been there working on the car. in that time FIL has put the rear end back on twice - once because he wanted to reverse the car (into his gararge) and once because it was "in the way" :o how that helps DH do the work (so taking the back end OFF three times :wall: ) i will never know. DH is over it. he wants the car gone and so do i. but FIL is the kind of man who wont.let.go of things. it annoies me (selfish i know) that DH is there working on this car when he could be at home - helping me and doings stuff HE wants to do around the house. but he is helping FIL out instead. i also think that FIL has no real clue about the latter stages of being UTD - let alone running after a bub.

and that brings me to MIL. she's a lovely caring women. always pottering about. helping out when she can. minus thease two times. the first one was my 21st - her and FIL went away and came back the day of my 21st. only to tell me they'd be "late" (it started at 7pm they got there near-er to 8pm) for what reason i dont know! they where home by 2pm :wall: and now this time. um EDD is sunday. MIL and FIL where meant to be taking DJ while i'm in labour. as a) they're closer then my folks and b) i trust them more. but oh, no she's taking off on a holiday (saterday through to tuesday) with a friend of hers. :o why? i dont know. i told her not long after we hit 20 weeks that we'd like for them to have DJ. then about two maybe three weeks ago she tells us "ohh im going away for a few days with my friend ____" o-k MIL. what do i say to that? i just smiled and told her to have fun that 'd likely go over. but thats not the point. im annoied (selfish i know) that she's happy to go away around my EDD - so that means i have to worry about who'll have DJ - she may miss the first few days of a NEW grandchilds life and i also just want to say to her that i'm NOT happy she's going away. why couldn't she have made it for 3 weeks time? part of me thinks its because she's all funny about DH and I haveing two babies in two years (she didn't tell her sisters until i was 25 weeks along and her brother until i was 30 and people who live next door to her until last weekend?!?!) so im just grumpy that she may not be here when i need her. and DH and I both agree we can't leave DJ with FIL - he can't handle him on his own. and my folks can't eather. not since dad had his knew knee put in!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG its bloody annoying.

time for a good ol' grump.

I'm grumpy becuase im due next week. im grumpy because FIL has decided he wants to do up his old bomb of a car. its a good car, but the body in its giving up the ghost and he cant quite grasp that. DH is over there fixing it because FIL is getting older now (72) and its catching up with him. so DH is bogging, sanding,shaping and then at some point re-spraying the ass end of the car. yay. NOT. he says he'll be home by 1pm but i doubt it. FIL will find something *else* wrong with the car and ask for help. which DH will - and i understand its his father and all, but it ticks me off becuase if i say NO STAY HOME then i'm the bad guy. FIL has three cars. TWO datbats. and a commondoor. and the common door has TWO FRIGGIN HORNS ON IT. why? i have no idea. one doesn't even friggin work. maybe it makes FIL feel big as his driving has seen much, much better days. he's the type who'll BRAKE at a green like JIC it goes amber. eather inicates far, far too early - while travling so far below the speed limit a copper could WALK UP and fine him. never mind pulling him over. *hmmph*

i'm grumpy becuase after 3 weeks of fairly bad sleep its caught up with me. but DH still has the balls to tell me he's "really stuffed" after a FULL NIGHTS sleep and getting up at 7am. mmm noice. or how "sick" he is. yet tells me he feels bad for not doing enough. YET when DJ is up and about in the morning will only "get up" when i'm just about to - as in blankets off. mmm why not just DO IT BEFORE THAT POINT? which is a little annoing at times.

i know it'll get harder with two babies. but hey. maybe then DH will understand something. its not easy, but its worth it!

the waiting has started.
yep.
almost 39 weeks. people are now commenting on my size. like compleat strangers. but i dont mind seeing as im so "close" to my EDD.

although being so close to it also brings up its own lovely set of thoughts. well rather questions. mainly stemming from the birth i had with DJ - which for all intensive perspicuous was an "orgasmic" birth as i felt that it went perfectly for a first birth. the only intervention i had was the jap to get the plasenter out. every thing else went as it was ment to. its the post birth that makes me wonder if i should change anything. somethings will have to change - given DJ is earth side. but others i'm wondering if i should leave as they where.

the main one being seeing my BIL and SIL. we didn't last time. when DJ was birthed it was feb 7th. i had not heard/seen my BIL since Dec.25. in which time they'd talked to me once. the sentance consisted of "so do you know what you're having?" that was it. after DJ was born part of me expected to get a card from them - ya know the simple $1 card with "dear Dansta & DH congrats - BIL and SIL" but nope. no such thing. maybe i expected too much. but how is it that an uncle of DH's whome i'd met ONCE sends a card down - along with a cousin from south Australia, yet BIL and SIL who live litrallary around two corners can't even mange to send one via MIL? we also didnt text them to let them know about DJ's birth - DH and I wanted our folks to be able to boast about being grand parentals before any one else knew. BIL and SIL seemed offended by this - but i didn't text my sister eather. she happend to be home when i called my dad to tell him about his grand son. the only thing i *did* do was say i didn't want to see them at the hospital - for fear of offending them by breast feeding - knowing full well my boobie would be out and about for all to see and i didn't care. SIL on the other hand can get offended veeeeery easily by this type of thing. or maybe thats just me lol.

so this time do i just assume they won't show? if they do my boobie will be out and about i dont care who sees it (i'm making a sign up for next to the fount door also "Breast feeding most likely in progress, boobies out = happy baby. dont like it? tough titties" or something like that) but i also dont want to start another fight (as they've made out DH and I are the bad people dispite THEM being the bad ones) but i cannot afford to waste my engery on them any more. i offered olive branch after olive branch to them. each one thrown away. they came to DJ's first birthday. but my 21st wasn't good enough. i can't honestly be bothered with them any longer. but i also dont want to deny DJ or bundy the chance to get to know them.

but it's also a case of you cant miss what you dont know. i never knew one of my grandfathers - he walked out on my nan. i never realised i'd had until some one bought him up - about 2 years before he passed away. when it was bought up - my mother did offer to meet him. but i said no. i saw no point in seeing the man who'd hurt my nanna so.

but in the mean time i'll start to consentrait more on relaxing and opening my body up - once more - in order to birth this baby. and focus on that.

...and the fact MIL has offered to shout DH and I dinner - on our own - this weekend...

well at least the lack of it the last few days.

in part thank to DJ's teeth comming though. who'd have thunk it that rather then gettine one at a time he'd get three?!? the poor might. hopefully they'll brake though tonight and he'll be sleeping a little better. and by better i mean up at 4:30am for brekkie and then asleep again until 8am LOL.

plus thoughts about the first few months of DJ's life have been comming back into my head. so this post may become rather long - vent like and possably repeating alot of what i've said on BB - but with some more detale/angryness at some people/things/avents.


when DJ was birthed he was perfect. at 23 hours old he was in SCN. he had a chest infection. which lead to a a few days in a box with oxygen. which inturn lead us to jaunduce which lead back into the box for lights. a night on a Pead. ward which ment a nurse felt it "ok" to take DJ so i could sleep - dispite me not wanting this. at just under 2 months we where back with Failure to thrive due to toung tie. i had 4 days of hell in that hospital. i honestly feel i could walk into the pashaint leazion tomorrow an lodge a formal complaint against the head of nurseing on the pead ward, as well as alot of other things. among the things listed on that complaint would be failure to disclose a medical procider (timed, mesured feeds) and also failing to get a pead in to talk to myself and DH when we felt things where not as they where ment to be. also being told that DJ need to be patted to sleep, that CIO - was him "fighting change" with bundy - they try and pull that and i'll have them fucking done for abuse and neglect. DH and I never consented to any of it. they did what they wanted. maybe my age - 19 was a factor. maybe my personality of "sorry, i dont like it and im not going to play your game" didnt help. or perhaps it was the fact i've already got more balls then they'd expected and had no place to turn to. i'm angry at them. for what they did to DJ. for what they did to me. yes, i admit it. i hit a wall months later - to the point i just sat in the kitchen on the floor holding DJ telling him i was sorry for what happend that i'd failed as his mother to protect him. that nothing i could say would take it back. perhaps not from him. but from me. during this time i also was trying to find my 'feet' as a mother. i attented a mothers group. i was the youngest by 4 years, with the second eldest baby. but my baby was differant. he had reflux. and bad. i chose to combat this. not with drugs, concoxions that "stopped" it. but by allowing him to feed when and how ever often he wanted. other mums in my mothers group by 3 months where CIO - entirely their choice but not mine. my son cried and i'd tend to him. i rocked him to sleep, i staied up until the early hours with him, because to me thats what mothers do. you give up a "full nights sleep" for your babies comfort. this in its self caused a rift with me and the 'others' they made their choices, i made mine. i guess im not a "typical" first time mum with some things. like DJ's dummy. from about 8 weeks old, if it fell onto the floor (at home) i'd clean it (stick it in my mouth) and give it back to him, most of them where shocked at this - but i couldnt see why carrying a million dummies would help. i was also (and still am!) very relaxed about our cats and babies. when i was *trying* to breast feed DJ i'd often have a cat (or two) on my knee at the same time. they - both DJ and the cats- needed to learn about each other. DJ needed to understand that cats where animals and you had to be "gental" with them, that they'd always be there so have respect for them. (which is working as DJ at 15 months is "patting" the cats in a soft - for a 15 months old- way) the cats needed to understand DJ wasn't going away. that he too would always be there, he may not mean to hurt them, but they had no need to strike out at him. which i feel is also working. when DJ was 6 months old he chewed on our big Muss cats tail, he simply looked at DJ and moved his tail away. even now the cats will walk/run away if DJ dose something they dont like. they even take a pat or two off him. i co-slept with DJ and the cats. they've even slept on the floor together, i trust them. they've not once gotten into his cot - i suspect when DJ goes into a bed they might but at the same time they tend to sleep at the foot of the bed, not the head. so i was very, very differant from the 'others' i gelled with one other mum. but the rest, fell by the wayside not long after DJ's first birthday.

in the first 6 months of DJ's life i was a mess. i admit it now because i can look back and go "shit, i made it out of that alive and on my own" i had family support. from mainly my inlaws. my mother inlaw while DJ was in SCN sent DH home with a hot cooked meal for my "brakes" at home. she also offered to to some house work. my mother? showed up ONCE with my sister. and want to 'see DJ asleep" which promptly woke him up. she hasn't really helped me much at all. yep, she did the grandmother things and bought clothes and toys for him. but as for her being a mother - calling to see if i was ok? nope. nothing. when DJ was in with Failure to thrive she told me the doctors new better then i did - dispite Dj's reflux getting worse with their "idea" of how to "make DJ better". she only seemed to care about how she looked. this was proven when at 10 months she questioned why DJ wasnt sitting unaided. i pointed out the reflux - which was at that point you tried to sit him and he'd power chuck. both solids AND liqward. not long after DH and I left DJ with my mum and dad while we - for the first time since his birth- went out to a friends party. this was after a "oh if i HAVE to" type talk with her. yep, she had "other plans" dispite me asking two weeks before. (and for what its worth, it was Bingo. something she plaied every.single.weekend) she and dad looked after DJ. when we picked him up within 10mins of us walking in the door she was pointing out all the things DJ wasn't doing. she paniced DH some what and wanted DJ to see a pead ASAP. i told them "in the new year" so fast forward to Jan. this year. we once again asked my folks to watch DJ while we had a Midwife appt. for bundy. once again within 10mins of us getting home she started on the pead bullshit. yep, the two times DH and I had "alone time" we couldn't even slowly come down. for me i was dragged down into it, so any little bit of a "high" was lost. it was desided that we'd see a pead - a friend of my aunts or something. two weeks later we have DJ teething and looking rather sexy with chicken pox. mum calls and tells me that they've made an appt. to see a pead. yep. she made the time. laughed at DH when he said he needed it changed due to work. i hit the roof, DH got the time off - as that had been my condition he be at my side when it happend.
a week later DH gets a phone call. they want to do an MRI on DJ. DH spins out. and i fall apart. DH was still at work when he got this phone call and called mum to ask what she'd said. she wouldn't tell him. she asked how i was and DH said "a mess" she never called that day. she called the next day. i ignored the phone as she failed as a mother. i won't forgive her for that. she fucked up and couldn't even see if i was ok, ya know like a mother SHOULD. fast forward and we declined the MRI based on what DH and I felt was warrented. which and MRI was not. we had a civil relationship with my folks since then. until my 21st where things got a little more...fayed. they didn't seem to care too much about my 21st. DH did everything. i cooked my own food - heck i even paid for my own dress - dispite mum 'buying it'. yep, she took my money when i offered to pay for it. rather then going "ohh no its ok" she took the money. knowing DH had just quit a job - knowing our muss cat was at the vets. she took it. the selfish cow took it. she then had the balls to whinge at DH the food was cold (ahem, i cooked it on my own, with DJ at home while DH set up. she cleaned sure..but DH did all the BIG stuff) then a few weeks later we where at their place and the phone rings. it was my aunts friend (pead) who put us onto the pead who wanted to the MRI. mum and dad had gone to thank him for what he did. but mum would not take the phone call in the room with us. then we had another blow up. because i was fuming. this is where most of the 'damage' i'll call it has been done - up to this point - at least. she told both DH and I it wasnt about our feelings, it was about DJ. check. since birthing my baby most of my feelings i have ignored or held onto so i could be the best mother for him. she commented on how he wasn't "normal" that his not sitting unaided (even now today he cant/wont sit..he's too busy exploreing this world we live in!) she made some fairly harsh comments about what he should be doing. she made one point - that really, really got me fired up - "we've been there every step of the way" i lost it at that point with anger. i asked her if she was there when i birthed DJ, there when they took him to SCN, there when i held him while he screamed in hunger for 6 hours. i asked her and her reply? "you didnt want to see me when DJ went to SCN, i didnt know if you where dead or alive" yep, once again about HER feelings. funny. its about HER feelings and DJ's never mind mine and chris's. she never offered to help me out when i was struggleing with the toung tie. she never once came over and did dishes for me (MIL has done that more then once) she never "helped" just "hindered" she wanted to be able to brag about DJ - she can - but not the things she wants to. like sitting and walking. and crawling. because DJ commado crawled until 12 months (with some impressive speed i may add!) she didnt see this as "normal" another comment she made with the last blow up was "who told you he has reflux and its normal for him to throw up like this" when i said "two peads and a MCHN" she didn't look to happy. i know my son and i know that reflux is 'normal' until 18 months and 2 years with kids who have it "bad" but guess who's delt with it? Ohh thats right me. it even took DH to stop working for him to see how "good" it is now. hell he understands why i struggle to get things done. even more so now with bundy baby. but she never really helped out. she only ever "helped" by putting me down - mainly while preg. with DJ. and this latest blow up...well...she made me feel friggin' worthless. she's not seen me fall apart, she hasnt' had to hold me the way DH has had to. my MIL understand me more then my own mother. she also managed to piss me off when my sister finished uni - she wanted me to go to the graduation. that nice. but i have to pay for my own ticket. yep, they invite me. but i have to "pay my way" noice. not. they'd pay for my sister in a heart beat (i've seen them do it before) but not me. Ohh well.

the other thing thats on my mind is when bundy is born. that if they're a girl my mother will turn into that type of well...MIL that...is over the top with the "look at my grand daughter" type bull shit. something i wont take to kindly too eather. and if bundy is a boy...then it'll be a "oh look, a baby" which will annoy me also. plus i'll be waiting for her to compair them. but at least this time i have full faith in my body - i dont have to worry about listening to her tripe about Epi's and c-cetions. i'm birthing a baby. my baby into this world. not hers.

now...im going to try and sleep as its 12:34am.