no sleep + need to vent/debrief = me!

well at least the lack of it the last few days.

in part thank to DJ's teeth comming though. who'd have thunk it that rather then gettine one at a time he'd get three?!? the poor might. hopefully they'll brake though tonight and he'll be sleeping a little better. and by better i mean up at 4:30am for brekkie and then asleep again until 8am LOL.

plus thoughts about the first few months of DJ's life have been comming back into my head. so this post may become rather long - vent like and possably repeating alot of what i've said on BB - but with some more detale/angryness at some people/things/avents.


when DJ was birthed he was perfect. at 23 hours old he was in SCN. he had a chest infection. which lead to a a few days in a box with oxygen. which inturn lead us to jaunduce which lead back into the box for lights. a night on a Pead. ward which ment a nurse felt it "ok" to take DJ so i could sleep - dispite me not wanting this. at just under 2 months we where back with Failure to thrive due to toung tie. i had 4 days of hell in that hospital. i honestly feel i could walk into the pashaint leazion tomorrow an lodge a formal complaint against the head of nurseing on the pead ward, as well as alot of other things. among the things listed on that complaint would be failure to disclose a medical procider (timed, mesured feeds) and also failing to get a pead in to talk to myself and DH when we felt things where not as they where ment to be. also being told that DJ need to be patted to sleep, that CIO - was him "fighting change" with bundy - they try and pull that and i'll have them fucking done for abuse and neglect. DH and I never consented to any of it. they did what they wanted. maybe my age - 19 was a factor. maybe my personality of "sorry, i dont like it and im not going to play your game" didnt help. or perhaps it was the fact i've already got more balls then they'd expected and had no place to turn to. i'm angry at them. for what they did to DJ. for what they did to me. yes, i admit it. i hit a wall months later - to the point i just sat in the kitchen on the floor holding DJ telling him i was sorry for what happend that i'd failed as his mother to protect him. that nothing i could say would take it back. perhaps not from him. but from me. during this time i also was trying to find my 'feet' as a mother. i attented a mothers group. i was the youngest by 4 years, with the second eldest baby. but my baby was differant. he had reflux. and bad. i chose to combat this. not with drugs, concoxions that "stopped" it. but by allowing him to feed when and how ever often he wanted. other mums in my mothers group by 3 months where CIO - entirely their choice but not mine. my son cried and i'd tend to him. i rocked him to sleep, i staied up until the early hours with him, because to me thats what mothers do. you give up a "full nights sleep" for your babies comfort. this in its self caused a rift with me and the 'others' they made their choices, i made mine. i guess im not a "typical" first time mum with some things. like DJ's dummy. from about 8 weeks old, if it fell onto the floor (at home) i'd clean it (stick it in my mouth) and give it back to him, most of them where shocked at this - but i couldnt see why carrying a million dummies would help. i was also (and still am!) very relaxed about our cats and babies. when i was *trying* to breast feed DJ i'd often have a cat (or two) on my knee at the same time. they - both DJ and the cats- needed to learn about each other. DJ needed to understand that cats where animals and you had to be "gental" with them, that they'd always be there so have respect for them. (which is working as DJ at 15 months is "patting" the cats in a soft - for a 15 months old- way) the cats needed to understand DJ wasn't going away. that he too would always be there, he may not mean to hurt them, but they had no need to strike out at him. which i feel is also working. when DJ was 6 months old he chewed on our big Muss cats tail, he simply looked at DJ and moved his tail away. even now the cats will walk/run away if DJ dose something they dont like. they even take a pat or two off him. i co-slept with DJ and the cats. they've even slept on the floor together, i trust them. they've not once gotten into his cot - i suspect when DJ goes into a bed they might but at the same time they tend to sleep at the foot of the bed, not the head. so i was very, very differant from the 'others' i gelled with one other mum. but the rest, fell by the wayside not long after DJ's first birthday.

in the first 6 months of DJ's life i was a mess. i admit it now because i can look back and go "shit, i made it out of that alive and on my own" i had family support. from mainly my inlaws. my mother inlaw while DJ was in SCN sent DH home with a hot cooked meal for my "brakes" at home. she also offered to to some house work. my mother? showed up ONCE with my sister. and want to 'see DJ asleep" which promptly woke him up. she hasn't really helped me much at all. yep, she did the grandmother things and bought clothes and toys for him. but as for her being a mother - calling to see if i was ok? nope. nothing. when DJ was in with Failure to thrive she told me the doctors new better then i did - dispite Dj's reflux getting worse with their "idea" of how to "make DJ better". she only seemed to care about how she looked. this was proven when at 10 months she questioned why DJ wasnt sitting unaided. i pointed out the reflux - which was at that point you tried to sit him and he'd power chuck. both solids AND liqward. not long after DH and I left DJ with my mum and dad while we - for the first time since his birth- went out to a friends party. this was after a "oh if i HAVE to" type talk with her. yep, she had "other plans" dispite me asking two weeks before. (and for what its worth, it was Bingo. something she plaied every.single.weekend) she and dad looked after DJ. when we picked him up within 10mins of us walking in the door she was pointing out all the things DJ wasn't doing. she paniced DH some what and wanted DJ to see a pead ASAP. i told them "in the new year" so fast forward to Jan. this year. we once again asked my folks to watch DJ while we had a Midwife appt. for bundy. once again within 10mins of us getting home she started on the pead bullshit. yep, the two times DH and I had "alone time" we couldn't even slowly come down. for me i was dragged down into it, so any little bit of a "high" was lost. it was desided that we'd see a pead - a friend of my aunts or something. two weeks later we have DJ teething and looking rather sexy with chicken pox. mum calls and tells me that they've made an appt. to see a pead. yep. she made the time. laughed at DH when he said he needed it changed due to work. i hit the roof, DH got the time off - as that had been my condition he be at my side when it happend.
a week later DH gets a phone call. they want to do an MRI on DJ. DH spins out. and i fall apart. DH was still at work when he got this phone call and called mum to ask what she'd said. she wouldn't tell him. she asked how i was and DH said "a mess" she never called that day. she called the next day. i ignored the phone as she failed as a mother. i won't forgive her for that. she fucked up and couldn't even see if i was ok, ya know like a mother SHOULD. fast forward and we declined the MRI based on what DH and I felt was warrented. which and MRI was not. we had a civil relationship with my folks since then. until my 21st where things got a little more...fayed. they didn't seem to care too much about my 21st. DH did everything. i cooked my own food - heck i even paid for my own dress - dispite mum 'buying it'. yep, she took my money when i offered to pay for it. rather then going "ohh no its ok" she took the money. knowing DH had just quit a job - knowing our muss cat was at the vets. she took it. the selfish cow took it. she then had the balls to whinge at DH the food was cold (ahem, i cooked it on my own, with DJ at home while DH set up. she cleaned sure..but DH did all the BIG stuff) then a few weeks later we where at their place and the phone rings. it was my aunts friend (pead) who put us onto the pead who wanted to the MRI. mum and dad had gone to thank him for what he did. but mum would not take the phone call in the room with us. then we had another blow up. because i was fuming. this is where most of the 'damage' i'll call it has been done - up to this point - at least. she told both DH and I it wasnt about our feelings, it was about DJ. check. since birthing my baby most of my feelings i have ignored or held onto so i could be the best mother for him. she commented on how he wasn't "normal" that his not sitting unaided (even now today he cant/wont sit..he's too busy exploreing this world we live in!) she made some fairly harsh comments about what he should be doing. she made one point - that really, really got me fired up - "we've been there every step of the way" i lost it at that point with anger. i asked her if she was there when i birthed DJ, there when they took him to SCN, there when i held him while he screamed in hunger for 6 hours. i asked her and her reply? "you didnt want to see me when DJ went to SCN, i didnt know if you where dead or alive" yep, once again about HER feelings. funny. its about HER feelings and DJ's never mind mine and chris's. she never offered to help me out when i was struggleing with the toung tie. she never once came over and did dishes for me (MIL has done that more then once) she never "helped" just "hindered" she wanted to be able to brag about DJ - she can - but not the things she wants to. like sitting and walking. and crawling. because DJ commado crawled until 12 months (with some impressive speed i may add!) she didnt see this as "normal" another comment she made with the last blow up was "who told you he has reflux and its normal for him to throw up like this" when i said "two peads and a MCHN" she didn't look to happy. i know my son and i know that reflux is 'normal' until 18 months and 2 years with kids who have it "bad" but guess who's delt with it? Ohh thats right me. it even took DH to stop working for him to see how "good" it is now. hell he understands why i struggle to get things done. even more so now with bundy baby. but she never really helped out. she only ever "helped" by putting me down - mainly while preg. with DJ. and this latest blow up...well...she made me feel friggin' worthless. she's not seen me fall apart, she hasnt' had to hold me the way DH has had to. my MIL understand me more then my own mother. she also managed to piss me off when my sister finished uni - she wanted me to go to the graduation. that nice. but i have to pay for my own ticket. yep, they invite me. but i have to "pay my way" noice. not. they'd pay for my sister in a heart beat (i've seen them do it before) but not me. Ohh well.

the other thing thats on my mind is when bundy is born. that if they're a girl my mother will turn into that type of well...MIL that...is over the top with the "look at my grand daughter" type bull shit. something i wont take to kindly too eather. and if bundy is a boy...then it'll be a "oh look, a baby" which will annoy me also. plus i'll be waiting for her to compair them. but at least this time i have full faith in my body - i dont have to worry about listening to her tripe about Epi's and c-cetions. i'm birthing a baby. my baby into this world. not hers.

now...im going to try and sleep as its 12:34am.