Some call it clenseing others hate it (well farmers do when ill timed) some fear it (qld floods).

For me its the first one. I find it clenseing. When baby bella passed two days later it rained. I spent near on two hours walking in it. The sting of it. The chill. The way it seems 'pure' made my soul weap unshead tears, masking those that where. To see rain is one thing to walk in it another.

In year 11 I had a good friend whoes world was 'falling down' I walked to his house in the pouring rain and home again. I felt clenesed after it. Like all the negative thoughts he had shared with me where gone. Washes back unto the earth where they belonged.

In year 9 we had a duckling stuck in my folks pool, I almost dived in (mid spring) to get it out as I was already drowned from a spring shower.

Its pouring here now. And honestly if it wasnt for the lightning i'd be out there now in my shitty jeans and singlett. Trying to wash the pain, the hurt and the anger that resides in my chest. From all the outlaws have said/done and their actions. To make the pain of bellas passing duller. To wash my scars of their pain. To heal again. To do that all sounds so...strange but in the past it has worked. My soul seems to need a shower from mother earth to wash the dust that father time leaves behind.

To feel the rain, when at times thats all I could feel; brings back memorys both bitter and sweet. To have that chill of the wind while the rain beets down seems to recharge the souls batterys, to face the next round of battles, with stamminar and might.

Tomorrow we pick up tigger. Tomorrow it starts again. Tomorrow will be better....sun shine after the rain...

Who ever penned that idea was a fool.

I started to blog in the wee hours of sunday. But kinda stopped as dj had one of 6 fits all up in my arms. A trip to the hospital with one ambo who made me feel dumb for calling later and we have another drug to give dependant on the type and length of fit.

Sunday night I cried until I couldnt breath. I was so angry that my baby boy has to suffer through the fits. Angry I cant fucking stop them angry life took my baby bella. And just pissed off. I wished dh was there to hold me when I fell apart. I wanted and needed some one but history repeats and I couldn't call any friends. I was alone. Me, my thoughts, my escape. I didn't cut as much as I craved it. As much as I yerned to feel something I didn't. I just cried. Poor vic didn't know which way to go. But I felt kinda healed after it. Alone but healed.

my folks came up yesterday and went home today. I missed them, I felt better seeing them. We also baught a dog. A boy we've called tigger. I wish we'd called him rex...ya know the whole 'sick 'em rex' from the ants pants add? But hes a stag hound cross (we guess grayhound or whippit) but his eyes are so I guess soft. He was ok with djs flapping and vics crying. Hes an RSPCA dog. Hes 5ish months old and in need of some nut house lovin'. We pick him up monday. Good in a way as we need to fence the house yard off and buy bowls/ collar/ bedding and toys. He looks willing to train too which helps as I hate badly trained dogs. My bol's dogs are poorly trained. Would not trust them at all. But i'd not leave tigger with the boys eather.

D is getting a female pup it seems already up the duff he suspects. He picks his up tomorrow. So i'll be puppied out.

I grew up with dogs so to have my own means alot. I've told dh i'll be walking tigger on his own for a few days then try him on the lead with the pram. I see tigger as my baby. Seeing as I wont have anymore human ones. Im crazy right though. Two under three, one cat, one dog, 5 chooks....with more to come!<

And nearer to Inside out.

Is where I am....floating. The all too real side of bellas passing is here. One of the kids toys, crulely sounds like her bell. Each time its moved I think; fleetingly its her. Then turn and look out the window and see the rose bush with a single bud on it and know that reality truely sucks. My heart is sore now, its brused but some how its in once peace. Kind of. Part of it is under that rose bush, with the single bud, the rest some place with in the relms of my chest. Brused that some of it was ripped away. Yes I wont deny I felt baby bellas time was soon to be up. But that warning givea false hope of coping. Something I struggle with; often.

Today I cracked. I walked for over an hour in the rain and threw some fucked up shit that nicked my finget full pelt at the floor followed with a 'fuck you' so it knew I was angry. I laid into the punching bag. Sweat for tears blood for heart ache. The cold air stung as did the grind of mud on my knuckles as I punched it after kicking it til my legs hurt. But I wanted pain, needed it, deserved it. To feel is to live and the past few days I have died inside. I needed to live again. My anget will no doubt come back. But I can walk through that. Walking is my escape now. Hopefully I can use that not cutting. But I cant promise anything. I need only let myself down.

Hopefully tomorrow d will take me to walk the paddoc if not show me how to sharpen my knives and get me over the fear I have of them. I want to bounce some ideas off him and see what he thinks. Plus find out if he knows of any puppies being born soonish so I can start looking. For one. Selfish I know but I need an animal to get by...seeing as I have few people who I can easily cry around. Hell the meer sight of d's truck made my eyes dry before I could cry.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better in the words of jordan sparks
'take one step at a time there is no need to rush....its like learning to fly or falling in love itsganna happen when its suppost to happen '

As maybe I'll more than nothing.

Which is something. Dh knows I cut. I told him when he told me I didnt care about baby bella and I was shellow. Nice huh? Cus im not in a heap because im not fucking crying on and off im shellow. Yet his reaction to me cutting? Dont let the kids see. Nice. I hide it for week so not even HE knows. Its how I deal with shit. If I wasnt still feeding vic i'd have got (or booked one in) a tatto..of two B's back to back as a butterfly on my left sholder blade. Tattos hurt just what I need. Pain. Make me feel alive. Dh also had a shot at me because I looked at dogs. Two days after bella passed. I need an animal compainion, or else I flounder. Sad but true. I still feel empty. I watched baby bella fade away to nothing. I held her lifeless body. My baby muss died. My heart is numb.

Yes I looked at pups. Maybe im wrong maybe selfish. Dh is geiving too. I think he expects me to behave as he is but I cant. I grive in strange ways. My heart is jaded my soul more battered and brused then even he knows. Yet i am selfish. Now I wait until he is ready. Which fucking.makes me angry. I am alone with out a compainion.hes not. Fair much?

thats me now. hollow.
i cant seem to get in touch with that little thing called emotion.
its run and hid its self and turned off its phone. nice. DH has been good. he's going "though" it all. while i'm a spectator. my soul is tired. my heart yerns to ache.

last night i drank a little. not much. nothing. there goes hoping boose would bring it out. numb. it was cold, wet and windy last night and all i could think was i wish i could hold baby bella and warm her up. i know i/we chose the 'best' thing for her. but its fucked up for me. while i know people lose other people. i've lost my fur baby. the first pet i ever had. my baby muss, who i staied at my BOL's place (while DH rented it) over a night to help her settle in. the cat i held for hours while i cried because of all the other bullshit happening. the cat who i'd do anything for. and i did that. i chose to let her fall alseep rather then suffer. but now i suffer. sucks dogs balls huh?

in other news, which is TMI for...well...every one. aunt fucking flo showed up toboot. which i'm pissed off about. mainly as aren't women ment to go all hormonal and emotional around it? and i'm fucking not? talk about another blow. why the hell cant i FEEL something? i want to. i am so, so near to doing something that will end up with DH finding out about the cutting tis not funny (and no i dont mean taking my own life, i mean cutting again. D finding out then telling him) which makes me annoied. and in a way angry. that part of me wants to turn to that again. which is fucked up in its self.

i wanted to go for a walk today but its cold and wet. which doesn't bother me in the slightest. i'd rather enjoy a walk in the rain. but seeing as the boys would be with me i need to give it a miss. maybe later tonight or something i'll go for a walk. on my own and feel the sting of the freezing air on my face and hands. and with any luck the rain will come down too. maybe then i'll feel something. something other then nothing.

heres hoping tomorrow my friend Miss L comes over. maybe then something will be triggered and i'll just cry and let it be done with. i want to feel something...anything...fuck the inability not to. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Maybe tonight i'll be bloodied and brused knuckles and sweat for tears for my baby muss...i can only hope can't i?

the unknown is now the known.

Baby bella was put down thismorning. the vet was a no bullshit type. just how i like them. he said he felt a lump. it wasn't constipation it was a growth but we could do tests to find out. but seeing my baby like that. broke my heart. she was my baby.

this will be a long post.

when we got bella it was '07. after we'd lost a cat in september '06. she'd picked us. at the RSPCA she cruled up in to DH's arms. then mine. i was sold. she was our baby girl. my cat.
thats the first photo we took of her. she chose us

in four years she's been a wonderful cat. been very,very loyal. she has always been "there" she's shown she was a a charitor of her own. she could hear a tap being turned on from out in the yard. she loved dripping taps. i have a short video of her running from inside to the hose out side for a drink. she would often sneak into the bed, putting her cold nose on any exposed skin on your back. she'd then wake you up with her purring. when i was up the duff with both boys she snuggled up under the bump. and over it while i was carrying Vic as a bump

she was always there. and now. she's not. my baby girl was wrapped up in a white cloth. and laid to rest. her collar is hanging from the wire fence behind her. tomorrow i find some wood and make a cross.

Bella will always be my baby girl. my first "own" pet. now my first angel.

my heart is numb. slowly i'll let the hurt out. and it will be slow. bella was my baby before the boys. she was mine. she made my days bighter when they seemed to dark. she would only let me roll her on her back and pat her tummy. no one else. she would always bug me for ham when we had it. she hated the car thats why she got the front seat on our trip up north here. she made me happy. now all i want to do is not cry but hurt because she's gone.but i'm numb. if some one was to rip open my chest and yell, they'd get an echo. thats how hollow i feel right now. numb, hollow and like part of me is missing. how can the sliance be so...profound when i have noise. i have DH i have the boys. but not bella. and it fucking shits me. yes i know she was a pet. not a human but it fucking hurts. DH seems to be able to flow with emotion yet i'm frozen. fuck this shit. i want to scream and cry and be angry at this world but i cant. i sit here like "well shes not in pain" yet I AM. fuck. i miss my baby girl. i miss her alot. but something isnt letting me feel this pain. FUCKFUCKFUCK. tonight the punching bag will cop it sweet. here is to brused and bloodied knuckles and sweat for tears. thats all i can offer baby girl. mumma is hurting but she wont let it out yet. soon baby girl soon.

Travel safe sweet baby girl.


Mumma will always love you. dont ever, ever forget that sweet baby girl.

Is for all intent and purpus a normal thing.

Any mother will tell you this. It starts with the fear of pregnancy. The unknowns. The 'is this normal' and often yes it is normal to have a watermellon in your pelvice while you have a foot kick boxing your sternim. Then we have labour fear of the unknown. And again yes it is normal to scream you cant do it whilest said watermellon is being smashed through your pelvice. And yes it is normal that you shudder when the hind waters come splattering over your feet. Then we have being a mother. The fear of 'am I doing this right' most of the time yes you are. Sometimes you might re-think it as a no. but at the time yes, you did. I still havent got to the teen years so ask me in ten years, ok?

Right now the fear I have of the unknown is with baby muss bella. She's sick. Took her to the vets three weeks ago...sadly shes not got better. Dh and I are both worried she'll be put down. My head isnt letting my heart brake. If it brakes then i'll spiral downwards. But I also guess it gives me a reason to brake down. Sad isnt it? I hope baby muss is ok, shes my cat. One who used to snuggle under the bump both times while I carried the boys. She never left my side when I laboured for over 24 hours at home with dj.

I talked to D about my cutting. He asked if i'd done it again. I said no and he said good if I do cut again he'll tell dh. Which while I respect I did tell him it would be the quickest way to make me run and hide it all again and just shut down on the whole. Hopefully I wont cut again though. Its not what I want, or need. But i'd rather cut to live then strive to die. Morbid I know. But its my way if copeing.

Now I better call the vet and see if we can get in....

Fail.

My unlaws are still here. They got here at 3pm. Dh, thankfully took them on a drive for an hour and a half/ two hours. That ment two strong bows and a shot of jimmy for me. Yes I found solace in the bottom of a green bottle. Also one phone call to my folks and my 'brother' G I was ok. They got home dinner was ready, served it by 8 30 I was taking the bins out and called G again and he made me laugh. God I needed it. My father unlaw bearly uttered two words to me. The bastard. He spent more time with the fucking CATS then with dj or vic. Which really gets my goat. My kids come second to a cat? Nice. My father unlaw has some nerve.

Haven't seen d for a few days. Hes started footy so plaied saterday recovered sunday and well his girlfriend was over last night....i think I heard noises I didn't want to last night. Oh well I'll just have to buy him (or her, lol) a gag...somethings you just dont need to know! Hopefully d will come finish the remaining three fruit trees (i think we have two more but meh) then I can hopefully have a lend of a small roatary hoe and get my veggie patch happening! All though knowing my luck it'll be more fail then function. But I can try.

Things with dh have eased. Im still hurt with some of the things he said, time heals all wounds...or something. I think dh realised I opened up to d (as dh still knows nothing of the cutting) about how I felt because he didn't ask one thing 'are you ok?' D did. Dh also admited he couldnt deal with me if I said I wasn't ok. But he'll have to learn to deal with it. Two years I have delt with alot on my own, and now I need to lean on him. D has a better grasp of what im feeling. He has self harmed in the past.

Hopefully this week i'll get new cd, a county and western one.

Now to go and clean so I can hide from my unlaws...who will hopefully fuck off sooner rather then later...

But it could well be mistaken for antartica right now.

Its fucking cold. The fire is going but I leave 'my' chair and it feels cold! Now I dont often complain about such things but f-u-c-k me it is. Its still foggy out and late showers or something...who knows. They said rain last week...it didn't happen.

Tomorrow is mothers day. Joy. Raputre. The fucking unlaws are comming. Now they dont seem to twig ita mothers day, which is fine but I care. Alot. My birthday fell amoung the rubble of the move. So mothersday was ment to be 'it' but sadly it wont. I'll be cooking and cleaning for the unlaws on my fucking day. (angry much?) Plus the gift I want I cant get due to stock issues until mid june. Hmmph. So I asked dh if we could go to the rspca and look at puppies. He said we can look but not buy. Another hmmmph. As I want a dog but due to dh and all his 'i have todo this before I get a job' bullshit I have to wait even longet for a dog i've wanted for...before we got married!

Now I know its selfish I know we have two cats, two kids, and to adults in our house but I was raised with a dog, two in my teen years I want the same for the boys. Plus I guess I need an excuess to go for a walk on my own too...also something to talk to that loves me no matter what its about. I guess too when dh eventually goes back to work a compainion for me too. Plus whats another bed warmer?

I know my father unlaw will have something to say if we bring up dogs i'll be tempted to say we're going toget the same kind of pup that d is getting, a wolf hound cross so its back sits hip hight. Its head at my belly button. That'd be interesting to say the least.

We've been here 6 odd weeks and it feels like forever. I could not go back to what we had before it was slowly killing me, and dh too. Yes we have fought more and I have cut but thats the ripple affect from it I think. I know I need to change things and I think dh is realiseing he needs to as well. Plus he has to realise that when hes at work the people who live on our road are going to be the....staple of who I see. Unlike in the 'burbs where I might have seen next door once every two weeks here its once aday. I dont mind it. I enjoy it. Dh I think has realised this now. My family are all 3 odd hours away. So the people on our street, they are taking their place for me. A community feeling, something I have longed for, for so so long

Thats how cold it is here this morning. Now im not one who 'feels' the cold. But fuck me dead and call me cleopatra ita cold thismorning! I know its cold as I started to lose feeling in my hands. So im guessing around 2°c . But im a feak and I like it. I feel alive. Yes thay extream feeling makes me feel alive. I'd go for a walk but its too cold for the boys. The feeling of braking the frost and of watching the sun evaporate the frost as it melts.

Ive got one fruit tree left to prune. D has done the others, so im going to try and prune this last one, with out killing it...should be interesting. I've also got to dead head some roses too...which will be fun seeing as they seem to have massive fucking thawns on them. Which means my secitors might be rebroken...plus I want to attack some shrubs with a hedger, if my dad brings his up when they come in over a months time. As its really bugging me!

heres hoping it warms up so the clothes I was dry, not snap freeze

The tough beat the fucking daylights out of their punching bag and FAIL in an epic way. We're talking one bloody knuckle one really brused/swollen one and a badly brused shin!

The last few days have been fucked. Little sleep lots of fights and now im tired. Things arent always smooth in my house. Dh is ten years older then I so his view on the world is I guess jaded. Where as mine is not so much. He has issues which it seems I am often a trigger for. But we manage. Most of the time.

In past relationships its been the same I am the trigger. I try to cerb that as much as I can but often fail. But thats me.
The move has been a blessed curse. We are STILL sorting shit out from it. Ive found a friend in D but as i've said dh and he clash. But for the first time dh has backed off. And not telling me to stop the contact. He did that with all the other male friends I had, bar one who is my 'brother' D has issues as do I. We kind of 'get' each other. Dh and I once did too, then it changed. I think now dh is seeing that. I too am at fault but its how i've made it through dj's first two years.

I am not proud to say it but I have started to cut again. But right now its all I have. I'll say it now but I dont wish to end my life ; at all. I harm myself as my way of protecting others. I hurt so you dont. Simple really. Its alot easier to see it that way. I cut, I bleed so that the people around me are happy. I hadn't cut in over 4 years. So last night I was at the end of the line. Again im not proud but I did it, I nees to own it. Its a hard thing cutting. For me at the time I am so, relived after I cut. Im human again. Then comes the sting of it. The shame. And then hideing it. So maybe throwing out here will...some how ease it all. I hopefully wont get to that point again, you'd think after all I have delt with a simple fight with dh would be nothing...clearly a fail. I haven't told dh. I dont want him to feel guilty about it...no point in two of us kicking our selfs

Othet then that things are good. There is more 'country quiet' at night its more sheeps in the padoc over the road, distant shots being fired, a bull squeeling; again, leaves russeling...and an over night low of 0 rearing her ugly head..

Is non existant.

I sit here (on my phone) listening to this much i'll say raved about country 'quiet' and giggle to myself. I have my rooster crowing, next doors plus the other next to them crowing. Plus the sheep next door bleeting some honry bull squeeling and cows mooing too. Add in the cockies and sparrows and its not 'quiet' hell I might even hear a tractor too.

But it is quiet, for me. No squeeling car tyers, waiting for that almighty 'thud' no engines reving no horns beeeeeeeeping no one yelling.

Its been quiet here since we arrived. well minus a few loud songs from me. Its why we moved. We found our dream, i've found a place I fit in. I am content. Dh is looking for work, being annoyingly fussy I might add, he's not worried. But I am. But thats my job.

We had the bonfire and I burnt my burn box, man it felt good. I showed D a photo I had in there and he chucked it in for me. My here and now throwing out my past. Nice. I just wish it didn't sterr the emotions it did. My knuckles are stiff thismorning my legs brused. As,i forgot kicking a punching bag with ones shins HURTS. But im all good. No doubt with my pain in the ass inlaws comming i'll use it more, forgiven but not forgotten.

the otherday I helped d out, splitting wood. I throw like a girl, I also take the easy way when chucking wood out of the back of the ute, aka kicking it out!

Ohh I also think I know what im getting for mothers day! A pink (blarg) toolkit. I dont like pink but if it stops dh taking my tools...win ha ha ha.

Now I should go let the chooks out...they are my minions they follow me around the yard...i could take over the world!

dust to dust.
a burn box is a must.

Today, hopefully we'll have our bonfire. to most people out here its a 'normal' thing. to us its like WHOLEY SHIT BATMAN WE CAN BURN STUFF...AND ITS LEAGAL"

to me its also a little bit of "thank god i can burn this shit and fuck it off out of my life" as i have a not so nice past. that well parts of this will be printed (and added to) and burned. for that final "fuck you" to it.

i'm 22. i've finished having babies. yes, DH has made the call. but its "all over red rover" for me and my uterus which honstly? sucks. yes there i said it. i'm pissed off.
i thought DH and I would have three babies. but with DJ and his Angelman thats been made a reduntent idea. much like my uterus. the idea of dealing with a rough start i am some what used to. the idea of being in hospital for two weeks. seems a bit "meh" but i'd deal. i can deal at home. yes while DH is home i struggle as both the boys are fighting sleep (thus i am blogging and DH and taken them fro a drive) but with him home its worse. as they can be in a 'good mood' until such time as i choose to ninja my way out of the room to do some from of cleaning/tidying/putting away then we have two banchees. well one. the other follows as a brotherly thing. DH never sees the latter. thus thinks its "easy"

I'm pissed off at my inlaws. they where comming wednesday/thursday but NO they're FUCKING COMMING MOTHERS FUCKING DAY. yes MY FUCKING DAY. MINE. my birthday fell in the middle of the move. so mothers day was MINE. but now. now i dont even get that. i have to be all fucking nice and friendly. cook and clean for two people who have crossed that many lines with me its not even funny. but its DH mum and dad, so i will bite my toung until i have a mouth full of blood. then spit it whilest their backs are turned.

im angry at myself. im sitting on 85kg. i want to be 10kg lighter. yes im stil "over weight" i have been for a long time. i want it GONE. and my strechies too.

now...to finish this and print. then BURN. time to start a fresh. now...where to find that smudge stick...i'll need it for next week...