Hollow

thats me now. hollow.
i cant seem to get in touch with that little thing called emotion.
its run and hid its self and turned off its phone. nice. DH has been good. he's going "though" it all. while i'm a spectator. my soul is tired. my heart yerns to ache.

last night i drank a little. not much. nothing. there goes hoping boose would bring it out. numb. it was cold, wet and windy last night and all i could think was i wish i could hold baby bella and warm her up. i know i/we chose the 'best' thing for her. but its fucked up for me. while i know people lose other people. i've lost my fur baby. the first pet i ever had. my baby muss, who i staied at my BOL's place (while DH rented it) over a night to help her settle in. the cat i held for hours while i cried because of all the other bullshit happening. the cat who i'd do anything for. and i did that. i chose to let her fall alseep rather then suffer. but now i suffer. sucks dogs balls huh?

in other news, which is TMI for...well...every one. aunt fucking flo showed up toboot. which i'm pissed off about. mainly as aren't women ment to go all hormonal and emotional around it? and i'm fucking not? talk about another blow. why the hell cant i FEEL something? i want to. i am so, so near to doing something that will end up with DH finding out about the cutting tis not funny (and no i dont mean taking my own life, i mean cutting again. D finding out then telling him) which makes me annoied. and in a way angry. that part of me wants to turn to that again. which is fucked up in its self.

i wanted to go for a walk today but its cold and wet. which doesn't bother me in the slightest. i'd rather enjoy a walk in the rain. but seeing as the boys would be with me i need to give it a miss. maybe later tonight or something i'll go for a walk. on my own and feel the sting of the freezing air on my face and hands. and with any luck the rain will come down too. maybe then i'll feel something. something other then nothing.

heres hoping tomorrow my friend Miss L comes over. maybe then something will be triggered and i'll just cry and let it be done with. i want to feel something...anything...fuck the inability not to. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Maybe tonight i'll be bloodied and brused knuckles and sweat for tears for my baby muss...i can only hope can't i?