Kick me while im down

As maybe I'll more than nothing.

Which is something. Dh knows I cut. I told him when he told me I didnt care about baby bella and I was shellow. Nice huh? Cus im not in a heap because im not fucking crying on and off im shellow. Yet his reaction to me cutting? Dont let the kids see. Nice. I hide it for week so not even HE knows. Its how I deal with shit. If I wasnt still feeding vic i'd have got (or booked one in) a tatto..of two B's back to back as a butterfly on my left sholder blade. Tattos hurt just what I need. Pain. Make me feel alive. Dh also had a shot at me because I looked at dogs. Two days after bella passed. I need an animal compainion, or else I flounder. Sad but true. I still feel empty. I watched baby bella fade away to nothing. I held her lifeless body. My baby muss died. My heart is numb.

Yes I looked at pups. Maybe im wrong maybe selfish. Dh is geiving too. I think he expects me to behave as he is but I cant. I grive in strange ways. My heart is jaded my soul more battered and brused then even he knows. Yet i am selfish. Now I wait until he is ready. Which fucking.makes me angry. I am alone with out a compainion.hes not. Fair much?