Fear of the unknown

Is for all intent and purpus a normal thing.

Any mother will tell you this. It starts with the fear of pregnancy. The unknowns. The 'is this normal' and often yes it is normal to have a watermellon in your pelvice while you have a foot kick boxing your sternim. Then we have labour fear of the unknown. And again yes it is normal to scream you cant do it whilest said watermellon is being smashed through your pelvice. And yes it is normal that you shudder when the hind waters come splattering over your feet. Then we have being a mother. The fear of 'am I doing this right' most of the time yes you are. Sometimes you might re-think it as a no. but at the time yes, you did. I still havent got to the teen years so ask me in ten years, ok?

Right now the fear I have of the unknown is with baby muss bella. She's sick. Took her to the vets three weeks ago...sadly shes not got better. Dh and I are both worried she'll be put down. My head isnt letting my heart brake. If it brakes then i'll spiral downwards. But I also guess it gives me a reason to brake down. Sad isnt it? I hope baby muss is ok, shes my cat. One who used to snuggle under the bump both times while I carried the boys. She never left my side when I laboured for over 24 hours at home with dj.

I talked to D about my cutting. He asked if i'd done it again. I said no and he said good if I do cut again he'll tell dh. Which while I respect I did tell him it would be the quickest way to make me run and hide it all again and just shut down on the whole. Hopefully I wont cut again though. Its not what I want, or need. But i'd rather cut to live then strive to die. Morbid I know. But its my way if copeing.

Now I better call the vet and see if we can get in....