we made it. after a fucking bucket load of crap. seven days of bullshit later. (no internet was one) we made it
i post from our new home. surrounded - still by boxes. but by alot more space at the same time.

the move was far from "easy" as the banks thought it would be an idea to fuck us around - up until the hour before settlement. i honestly crashed out at some point or another. but just kept going. that was the 'low' point of it all. but onwards and up wards right? before getting here it was two near misses for me, one hit with DH (some women ran into my dads traylor at the servo..) but by 8pm we'd moved in here.

next day met a bloke from next door we'll call him D. he's an odd ball who told me he has ADHD. didn't worry me. next day (with DH in melb) he came around and gave us fire wood. when i asked why his mum sent him around with it 0.o scary but ok. he has since been around at least once a day and i've met his mum and the bloke they live with (his mum is a carer for) and almost every one who lives on out (rual) street. DH has done two extra car loads of stuff from our old house, with another togo. but i dont mind not having him here as i have my own 'personal gard" aka D. which a friend of ours, floss pointed out!

we've been here 8 days and honstly? i could NOT move back to the 'burbs or even into the town here. i LOVE my space (and chickens!) to much. plus being able to sit out side and just listen to the sounds. of the land. trackors (loud) humm birds tweeting chickens scraching and making that odd noice they make...its bliss.

hopefully in the comming weeks i'll set up a veggie patch. we have fruit trees that need some TLC and chickens that are cute, even if we have one called "mardi" for mardigra as clearly D has no idea if they are a boy or a girl...but i dont they're still cute.

DJ is going well. he's worked out how to "bounce" or "hump" as DH puts it. but he's loving the space. nice big hall way to crawl up and down. he's also enjoying watching the choocks out side. too.

well i better go all three of the boys are up and about...i 'spose i better make some brekkie for them...

***this conatains stuff about self harm. and its rather grafic, can't say i didn't warn you***

i wrote this after the last post. but didnt want it to impead on DJs vent. i guess because i dunnow. this is more about me this one. once again delving into my past. or parts that i'm willing to share at this point.

before i met DH i was honestly fucked up. my family life was "normal" (what ever the fuck that is) a relationship i'd been in for two years was far from it. shit happend (which i'm not ready to post all over the interwebs yet) that messed my mind up. i ended up in a big black hole. enough that one trip to the ED was needed. but nothing ever came of that. well family councelling did. but that ended when some one in my family didn't like it. and it wasn't me. as i was being heard for the first time - ever - and this person hated it. we never went back. but i never stopped what i'd started before. i was hurting myself. i was cutting. not deep cuts. but lots of them.
i can remember sitting in a class room, alone. looking at both the tops of my legs and seeing very little un-cut/non-scabbed/ non-scared skin. looking at my arms seeing the sliver scars almost flickering in the light. feeling kind of proud that i'd cut so i'd be able to function. that the part of cutting didn't understand with me. i cut so i'd function as a normal (again what the FUCK is that) person. i cut so people around me wouldn't suffer. suffer the pain i was, suffer litening to me cope. i cut me for ME so that people i cared about where ok. cutting was my way of protecting the ones i loved most from the monster in side of my life and the pain it was causeing. people still dont understand that. i guess it takes one to know one...

i can remember nights that i felt like utter shit. well no i felt nothing. numb. cutting = pain thus feeling thus = alive. but when that didn't work i kept going until i did feel something or i cried so hard i could no longer cry. the amount of nights i watched the sun rise. the amount of nights i'd cut words into me. again not deep cuts but enough. hideing them became a challange when my folks found out. but i didn't stop. going to school with bike shorts on to hide the cuts under neath. easy done. planning when i'd have to "clam down"s so no one would see was harder. knowing 4 weeks before both the year 11 and year 12 formals i couldn't cut was hard. but after meeting DH, having some one to depend on. even at 3am. i started to heal both the scars and my mind. but i still have the scars and early this morning i found myself tracing over them with my finger. feeling the pain/anger/hurt that triggered them off to start with. wondering if that pain ever really left. the feelings of unamaginal anger towards some people. the feeling that i wasn't good enough (which never really went away) and just that sting that came with the cut. the feeling that came with it. the one of being alive...

but lately that feeling of needing to cut has come back. why? the stress of moving. the stress of DJ. the lack of control i have control but i dont. they've labled DJ that i can control. but the out come? i cant control that. i can't also seem to control my emtions eather. they wont exit my body. i've forced myself to remain 'strong' and now im faultering. some times i wonder if i have enough left in the tank to keep going. but i realise i have no choice. part of me would love to revert back to what i was doing at 16, the rest of me is screaming "dont you dare" maybe if i did i'd cry, and be able to feel normal again.

having said that i know i'd never be able to do that. i'd never want my boys to see that, i couldn't let DH down. let me down. i'm better then that. i'll just keep posting here. making everything that comes into my head about it roll out here. i know its so sad, but its all i have. IRL people see me was bullet proof. or something like that. because i'm so up beat about all this. most days i am. but days/hours like this i wish i could crawl into a hole and scream and cry.

maybe after the move i'll be in a better place. both due to a fresh start and a new home. but none of the reminders of how fucked up i was. there are places near my house that remind me my past. i need to get away from them...new house, new life. fresh start. onwards and upwards from here...


i hope.

And they lyrics to the song that had me in tears are:


Sing it out,
Boy, you got to see what tomorrow brings.
Sing it out,
Girl, you got to be what tomorrow needs.

For every time.
That they want to count you out,
Use your voice,
every single time you open up your mouth.

Sing it for the boys,
Sing it for the girls,
Every time that you lose it sing it for the world.
Sing it from the heart,
Sing it till you're nuts,
Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts.
Sing it for the deaf,
Sing it for the blind,
Sing about everyone that you left behind.
Sing it for the world,
Sing it for the world.

Sing it out,
Boy, they're gonna sell what tomorrow needs
Sing it out,
Girl, they're gonna kill what tomorrow brings
You've got to make a choice,
If the music drowns you out.
And raise your voice,
Every single time they try and shut your mouth.

Sing it for the boys,
Sing it for the girls,
Every time that you lose it sing it for the world.
Sing it from the heart,
Sing it till you're nuts,
Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts.
Sing it for the deaf,
Sing it for the blind,
Sing about everyone that you left behind.
Sing it for the world,
Sing it for the world.


Cleaned-up corporation progress,
Dying in the process.
Children that can talk about it,
Living on the webways.
People moving sideways,
Sell it till your last days.
Buy yourself the motivation,
Generation nothing.
Nothing but a dead scene,
Product of a white dream.
I am not the singer that you wanted,
but a dancer.
I refuse to answer,
Talk about the past,
Sir and wrote it for the ones who want to get away.


Keep running!

Sing it for the boys,
Sing it for the girls,
Every time that you lose it sing it for the world.
Sing it from the heart,
Sing it till you're nuts,
Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts.
Sing it for the deaf,
Sing it for the blind,
Sing about everyone that you left behind.
Sing it for the world,
Sing it for the world.

You've got to see what tomorrow brings!
Sing it for the world,
Sing it for the world.
Yeah, you've got to be what tomorrow needs!
Sing it for the world,
Sing it for the world.

2011 has to be the suckyest year. floods, quakes, fire now it looks like its going to go nuclear. not to add the deaths for people and all that.

I how ever sit here. still trying to come to grips with DJ. yep you'd think i'd 'understand' it by now but i cant. i guess this thought process came about after a nice lunch at the local pizza shop thingy.
Me, DH, Vic and DJ. Dj when tired falials his arms around and giggles. i guess the giggle part is 'normal' for a 2 year old but the flailing isn't. a women with a young girl kept looking. stareing. she was older then i am her girl around DJ's age. maybe older. both boys in the pram. she just kept looking. part of me wanted to ask her why she was stareing at my boy. then i realised. he's differant. this is what we'll be facing. people not knowing why DJ is doing what he is. thats going to be my 'normal' i stat there looking at DJ and knew it was normal. my normal. my familys normal. but to this women it was differant. it wasn't her normal. i felt anger at her for a fleeting moment. then i felt pitty. she had to stare at a 2 year old boy, who is doing whats normal for him. DH felt it too. part of me knows that its what will happen. in time kids will ask why DJ as he is. i know he may improve over time. but he may also remain some what the same.

part of me - right now - wants to ball my eyes out. for what could have be (should have been?) for the hand i've been slaped in the face with and then delt. for everything my little man has had to face in his two years. i want to scream. scream at me for NOT getting thease tests done earlier, for having some kind of faith he'd be OK. scream just to let the anger i feel out. the dissapointment. there i said it. im disapointed in me. in my body in my genes. until some one tells me other wise i blame me. what else am i ment to blame?

i know i need to keep my chin up, and some how be strong. but whats strength when you cant see the 'end' in site? whats the point in trying to be positive when i feel like i failed?

Its stupid but the song "sing" by 'My chemical romance' had me in tears while i was driving in the wee hours of friday morning - DJ's croup had faired right up and i was some place on the road. and the song plaied. i cried. because i want a release. i crave it. but nothing cuts that mustard. not much will.

what is it again? for the first time in a long time both boys are asleep before 11pm.
which means a 4am start to the day tomorrow. but i get down time.

Ohh and Hi to my two new followers too.

"alone" time at night. it'd be nicer if DH was home. but we can't have it all - just yet. in two weeks i'll have DH at home at night. shock freaking horror after 12 months of no-home time at night bar weekends. its a shock.

the down side of down time is the thoughts. i have a few that like popping up more often then not. but i deal with them. i face them i tow the line.

DJ has issues. missing part of something that would then allow him to be 'normal' while with evey ounce of my being i love him i want to morn what "is not" but i cant. which will make no sense to any one. maybe long ago deep down i came to grips with the fact my son would always be left of center. maybe i understood he was who he is. and loved him for that. people dont 'get' why i breeze though things. the medical history the avents. they look at me like i should be crying and in a heap. YET when i do turn into that i am expected to be stong and breeze though. cant win can we?

i am who i am. and i'm changeing. i am growing up (or trying to) and enter into this new world. one where i have a son who is who he is. i have little to no control over it. i dont even get a "well we know XYZ" out of it. but in my own warped way i'm OK with that. no expectations no failure- right?

you see this post is about my past. its blunt. its honest and most of all i want it out NOW. to be able to reflect on it from an 'adults' point of view. to air it out. maybe that will allow me to connect with what i face with DJ. allow me to grow.

from 16 years old til i was 18 (near 'nuff) i was a person who self harmed. or "cutter" or "emo" or "fucked up person" depending on who you talked to about it. i hurt myself with the aim of doing that. hurting ME i was depressed and numb. numb being the brains inability to cope and fuction with more then say two emotions at a time. but any way i cut. not "deep" as some do but in large amounts. i knew it was bad when cutting to cover the inside of my wrists no longer hurt. at all. but i'm still sitting here. alive. DH helped me alot. comming to grips with some fucked up shit helped. working out that normal for me, wasn't normal for the rest of the world. or maybe it was. but the select few who i was lumped with (read high school) didn't feel normal was "cool". alot has changed since then. i have my two boys. my DH. i'm blessed to have all three. but my past still hovers around from time to time. it makes things harder then they need to be.

my past gave me the fire in my belly. the ability to cut people to the bone with a short sharp stab with words. it also gave me this abilty to over epthaise with people to feel their pain more then i ever thought i could. it gave me the strength to face the pain of child birth. it gave me the strength to just keep swimming when my world was ripped apart. my past has made me who i am NOW the mother i am NOW.

at what point though do we switch off. and become 'normal' i know im still tring to find out what the hell normal is.