two posts in a day

***this conatains stuff about self harm. and its rather grafic, can't say i didn't warn you***

i wrote this after the last post. but didnt want it to impead on DJs vent. i guess because i dunnow. this is more about me this one. once again delving into my past. or parts that i'm willing to share at this point.

before i met DH i was honestly fucked up. my family life was "normal" (what ever the fuck that is) a relationship i'd been in for two years was far from it. shit happend (which i'm not ready to post all over the interwebs yet) that messed my mind up. i ended up in a big black hole. enough that one trip to the ED was needed. but nothing ever came of that. well family councelling did. but that ended when some one in my family didn't like it. and it wasn't me. as i was being heard for the first time - ever - and this person hated it. we never went back. but i never stopped what i'd started before. i was hurting myself. i was cutting. not deep cuts. but lots of them.
i can remember sitting in a class room, alone. looking at both the tops of my legs and seeing very little un-cut/non-scabbed/ non-scared skin. looking at my arms seeing the sliver scars almost flickering in the light. feeling kind of proud that i'd cut so i'd be able to function. that the part of cutting didn't understand with me. i cut so i'd function as a normal (again what the FUCK is that) person. i cut so people around me wouldn't suffer. suffer the pain i was, suffer litening to me cope. i cut me for ME so that people i cared about where ok. cutting was my way of protecting the ones i loved most from the monster in side of my life and the pain it was causeing. people still dont understand that. i guess it takes one to know one...

i can remember nights that i felt like utter shit. well no i felt nothing. numb. cutting = pain thus feeling thus = alive. but when that didn't work i kept going until i did feel something or i cried so hard i could no longer cry. the amount of nights i watched the sun rise. the amount of nights i'd cut words into me. again not deep cuts but enough. hideing them became a challange when my folks found out. but i didn't stop. going to school with bike shorts on to hide the cuts under neath. easy done. planning when i'd have to "clam down"s so no one would see was harder. knowing 4 weeks before both the year 11 and year 12 formals i couldn't cut was hard. but after meeting DH, having some one to depend on. even at 3am. i started to heal both the scars and my mind. but i still have the scars and early this morning i found myself tracing over them with my finger. feeling the pain/anger/hurt that triggered them off to start with. wondering if that pain ever really left. the feelings of unamaginal anger towards some people. the feeling that i wasn't good enough (which never really went away) and just that sting that came with the cut. the feeling that came with it. the one of being alive...

but lately that feeling of needing to cut has come back. why? the stress of moving. the stress of DJ. the lack of control i have control but i dont. they've labled DJ that i can control. but the out come? i cant control that. i can't also seem to control my emtions eather. they wont exit my body. i've forced myself to remain 'strong' and now im faultering. some times i wonder if i have enough left in the tank to keep going. but i realise i have no choice. part of me would love to revert back to what i was doing at 16, the rest of me is screaming "dont you dare" maybe if i did i'd cry, and be able to feel normal again.

having said that i know i'd never be able to do that. i'd never want my boys to see that, i couldn't let DH down. let me down. i'm better then that. i'll just keep posting here. making everything that comes into my head about it roll out here. i know its so sad, but its all i have. IRL people see me was bullet proof. or something like that. because i'm so up beat about all this. most days i am. but days/hours like this i wish i could crawl into a hole and scream and cry.

maybe after the move i'll be in a better place. both due to a fresh start and a new home. but none of the reminders of how fucked up i was. there are places near my house that remind me my past. i need to get away from them...new house, new life. fresh start. onwards and upwards from here...


i hope.

And they lyrics to the song that had me in tears are:


Sing it out,
Boy, you got to see what tomorrow brings.
Sing it out,
Girl, you got to be what tomorrow needs.

For every time.
That they want to count you out,
Use your voice,
every single time you open up your mouth.

Sing it for the boys,
Sing it for the girls,
Every time that you lose it sing it for the world.
Sing it from the heart,
Sing it till you're nuts,
Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts.
Sing it for the deaf,
Sing it for the blind,
Sing about everyone that you left behind.
Sing it for the world,
Sing it for the world.

Sing it out,
Boy, they're gonna sell what tomorrow needs
Sing it out,
Girl, they're gonna kill what tomorrow brings
You've got to make a choice,
If the music drowns you out.
And raise your voice,
Every single time they try and shut your mouth.

Sing it for the boys,
Sing it for the girls,
Every time that you lose it sing it for the world.
Sing it from the heart,
Sing it till you're nuts,
Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts.
Sing it for the deaf,
Sing it for the blind,
Sing about everyone that you left behind.
Sing it for the world,
Sing it for the world.


Cleaned-up corporation progress,
Dying in the process.
Children that can talk about it,
Living on the webways.
People moving sideways,
Sell it till your last days.
Buy yourself the motivation,
Generation nothing.
Nothing but a dead scene,
Product of a white dream.
I am not the singer that you wanted,
but a dancer.
I refuse to answer,
Talk about the past,
Sir and wrote it for the ones who want to get away.


Keep running!

Sing it for the boys,
Sing it for the girls,
Every time that you lose it sing it for the world.
Sing it from the heart,
Sing it till you're nuts,
Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts.
Sing it for the deaf,
Sing it for the blind,
Sing about everyone that you left behind.
Sing it for the world,
Sing it for the world.

You've got to see what tomorrow brings!
Sing it for the world,
Sing it for the world.
Yeah, you've got to be what tomorrow needs!
Sing it for the world,
Sing it for the world.