down time

what is it again? for the first time in a long time both boys are asleep before 11pm.
which means a 4am start to the day tomorrow. but i get down time.

Ohh and Hi to my two new followers too.

"alone" time at night. it'd be nicer if DH was home. but we can't have it all - just yet. in two weeks i'll have DH at home at night. shock freaking horror after 12 months of no-home time at night bar weekends. its a shock.

the down side of down time is the thoughts. i have a few that like popping up more often then not. but i deal with them. i face them i tow the line.

DJ has issues. missing part of something that would then allow him to be 'normal' while with evey ounce of my being i love him i want to morn what "is not" but i cant. which will make no sense to any one. maybe long ago deep down i came to grips with the fact my son would always be left of center. maybe i understood he was who he is. and loved him for that. people dont 'get' why i breeze though things. the medical history the avents. they look at me like i should be crying and in a heap. YET when i do turn into that i am expected to be stong and breeze though. cant win can we?

i am who i am. and i'm changeing. i am growing up (or trying to) and enter into this new world. one where i have a son who is who he is. i have little to no control over it. i dont even get a "well we know XYZ" out of it. but in my own warped way i'm OK with that. no expectations no failure- right?

you see this post is about my past. its blunt. its honest and most of all i want it out NOW. to be able to reflect on it from an 'adults' point of view. to air it out. maybe that will allow me to connect with what i face with DJ. allow me to grow.

from 16 years old til i was 18 (near 'nuff) i was a person who self harmed. or "cutter" or "emo" or "fucked up person" depending on who you talked to about it. i hurt myself with the aim of doing that. hurting ME i was depressed and numb. numb being the brains inability to cope and fuction with more then say two emotions at a time. but any way i cut. not "deep" as some do but in large amounts. i knew it was bad when cutting to cover the inside of my wrists no longer hurt. at all. but i'm still sitting here. alive. DH helped me alot. comming to grips with some fucked up shit helped. working out that normal for me, wasn't normal for the rest of the world. or maybe it was. but the select few who i was lumped with (read high school) didn't feel normal was "cool". alot has changed since then. i have my two boys. my DH. i'm blessed to have all three. but my past still hovers around from time to time. it makes things harder then they need to be.

my past gave me the fire in my belly. the ability to cut people to the bone with a short sharp stab with words. it also gave me this abilty to over epthaise with people to feel their pain more then i ever thought i could. it gave me the strength to face the pain of child birth. it gave me the strength to just keep swimming when my world was ripped apart. my past has made me who i am NOW the mother i am NOW.

at what point though do we switch off. and become 'normal' i know im still tring to find out what the hell normal is.