the pain of knowing

the unknown is now the known.

Baby bella was put down thismorning. the vet was a no bullshit type. just how i like them. he said he felt a lump. it wasn't constipation it was a growth but we could do tests to find out. but seeing my baby like that. broke my heart. she was my baby.

this will be a long post.

when we got bella it was '07. after we'd lost a cat in september '06. she'd picked us. at the RSPCA she cruled up in to DH's arms. then mine. i was sold. she was our baby girl. my cat.
thats the first photo we took of her. she chose us

in four years she's been a wonderful cat. been very,very loyal. she has always been "there" she's shown she was a a charitor of her own. she could hear a tap being turned on from out in the yard. she loved dripping taps. i have a short video of her running from inside to the hose out side for a drink. she would often sneak into the bed, putting her cold nose on any exposed skin on your back. she'd then wake you up with her purring. when i was up the duff with both boys she snuggled up under the bump. and over it while i was carrying Vic as a bump

she was always there. and now. she's not. my baby girl was wrapped up in a white cloth. and laid to rest. her collar is hanging from the wire fence behind her. tomorrow i find some wood and make a cross.

Bella will always be my baby girl. my first "own" pet. now my first angel.

my heart is numb. slowly i'll let the hurt out. and it will be slow. bella was my baby before the boys. she was mine. she made my days bighter when they seemed to dark. she would only let me roll her on her back and pat her tummy. no one else. she would always bug me for ham when we had it. she hated the car thats why she got the front seat on our trip up north here. she made me happy. now all i want to do is not cry but hurt because she's gone.but i'm numb. if some one was to rip open my chest and yell, they'd get an echo. thats how hollow i feel right now. numb, hollow and like part of me is missing. how can the sliance be so...profound when i have noise. i have DH i have the boys. but not bella. and it fucking shits me. yes i know she was a pet. not a human but it fucking hurts. DH seems to be able to flow with emotion yet i'm frozen. fuck this shit. i want to scream and cry and be angry at this world but i cant. i sit here like "well shes not in pain" yet I AM. fuck. i miss my baby girl. i miss her alot. but something isnt letting me feel this pain. FUCKFUCKFUCK. tonight the punching bag will cop it sweet. here is to brused and bloodied knuckles and sweat for tears. thats all i can offer baby girl. mumma is hurting but she wont let it out yet. soon baby girl soon.

Travel safe sweet baby girl.


Mumma will always love you. dont ever, ever forget that sweet baby girl.