one of those 'Ah-HA!' moments

yep. just had one and BB is down *grumble*

After my last angst filled rant/rave/online tirade. i had one.

ironicly as i got out of the shower, stranger things have come into my head after them though.

I realised that my SIL and BIL aren't worth my anger. they're not even worth my pitty. talking to DH last night about them. and the things i couldn't bring myself to do for them off my own batt, but WOULD do them if MIL asked. why you're wondering (most likely whilest rolling your eyes) because its MIL. she's been a wonderful second mother to me. she's helped me out more then my own mother has. she's been there. she's helped us with out asking. her and FIL bring dinner over once aweek as its 'too cold' for the boys right now for us to go over there. they've helped us in more ways then i care to count. they stepped up - with out a qarm when i was in hospital with Vic. for that i am forever in their debt. my BIL and SIL on the other hand have also been helped out by them. but they don't seem to have the same...i guess respect for them. i would happily bend into a pretzal for MIL and FIL. BIL and SIL nope. not so much. and i feel for MIL. she's stuck. while DH and I dont get on with BIL and SIL. i have tried. for five long years i have tired. now i have my boys, i cannot and will not allow them to consume me. there is no real relationship there which i can now accept. they have their self-centered lives. and we have ours.

I admit it brakes my heart in some ways. i'm not super close to my own sister, but i would do anything for her. hell when i was 10 i chased a boy in the court my folks live in for stealing her diary, and almost caught the bugger too 'cept he ran out of the court. but BIL wouldn't do that for DH. nope why bother? he's not getting anything out of it. for me family is the be all and end all. my father always used to tell me that blood is thicker then water. and for me it is. my family is by no means small. my 21st was 90% family. that was 80 people right there. (70 showed up as people couldn't make it) im proud of my family. at the beginning of this year DH, DJ and I in the space of three months traveled for over 24hours all up to go to family avents. plus we had two of our own - one of which ment an aunt and uncle of mine from the north of Victoria FLEW down for. yes, they got on a plane and flew down for that. all my family seem to have an understanding if your kinda near some ones place call and see if their home and come over for coffee. i've had a few aunts and uncles pop in. plus a cousin of mine. the whole "door is always open" thing applies i guess. i'd even offer a bed - if we had a fold out coutch or even a futon thingy. our house is small but the offer is always there. (hell they could camp out in the back yard!)

i guess what im rambleing about is that i've morned the loss of BIL and SIL and close family. they're not - a this rate of knots - going to have much todo with my boys out side of seeing them when we see MIL and FIL. unless MIL asked me to help in some way. as i said that would out of respect for her and all she and FIL has done. i no longer hold that seed of anger in my chest. it no longer needs to be there as that one way street of "give give give" has closed. i cannot give any more of me to those people who for what ever stupid reson cannot even be adult enough to be civil towards myself, be warm enough (and have enough respect) to write my name and DH's in a card meant to be a celibration of our sons birth into this world. they, they do dont deserve my time. and I as a wife, a mother and a daughter/sister in law deserve more. maybe after they have their baby safely earth side SIL may well open her eyes. she may understand that the road i walk is the on less taken. i may be 8 years her Junior but i've walked the hard mile. and will continue to do so, because that is what a mother does. i put myself out there, i've been kicked while i've been on my knees and clawed my way back to my feet and i'll be kicked again. i'll struggle. but no matter how black my world is, my family above all else. come first. something i can only hope they understand extends past her family. BIL has a family too, but ties can only be streched so much. the one he had with his brother (DH) has broken. and the one they both had with me has shattered too.