and then the walls came down...

i think its hitting me just what happend in the last month. which i expected. didn't expect the anger that follows though.

i'm not angry at myself - not yet any way- but angry at the lack of support from my folks. yes, they came and saw vic in SCN - a 40min round trip. which was nice. but while there they told me about a cousin's wife - B - was having issues. they said PND. which i felt for her. i understand she's a quiet rather reserved women who'd be in shock after having her vagina and all else on show while giving birth. then about 48hrs before Vic and i got sent off to "monash" for a few hours i was asking how she was. and its not PND. rather Bi-polar, which A knew about before they got married and B understood that in order to have a healthy baby she needed to go off her medication and was explained what could happen after the birth. now i can understand how hard that'd be to deal with. seeing as i went though depression - i know not the same thing but i can understand how hard it would be dealing with ups and downs with out reason. BUT what shit me the most was the comment my father made to DH while we where in ICU with Vic "ohh B and A are going though hell at the moment" ... ohh THEY are going though hell with Bi-polar. when my cousin A has his mum less then 30seconds down the road from them. B's mum staied with them for the first week and a half. mean while i'm at a hospital over an hour round trip away from DH and DJ. sleeping on fold out chairs, fold out beds even in the waiting room. i've watched my son be poked, proded and even dared to say "come on just BLEED" while they tried to put a long line in his arm - when that failed i watched him get wheeled into theater. waited an hour and a half to see him and held him while he came around. i then had to watch as they removed what they'd put in - only to hold him again while they put a bung in his skelp to sedate him to put another line in. a CVC line. blood comming down his face. waited over an hour again and then got to see him sitting in a cot - with moiters on him and an oxgen tube thing up his nose. i sat there and watched the moiters beep, and the numbers. alone. i couldn't comfort him damn it. and i had no one by my side holding my hand. but hey. A & B are going though hell aren't they? they got to take their son home. they got a healthy baby. both my sons have gone though SCN, both have had to be given anti's with in 48 hours of birth. but thats nothing. my folks couldn't even just say "yes, A&B are having a rough trot but what you and DH are dealing with must be harder still" but nope. none of that. why? its ME. i'm always ment to be the 'strong' one. who rides every thing out. when i fall apart i dont ask for help from any one but DH. and i can't eather. all i get from any member of my family is "its in the past now" yep. too right it is. but damn it it doesn't make the hurt any less. i understand so many others have it alot harder then i've had. so many more women have walked a much rougher road. but for me - and selfishly - its been fucking hard. i've made it though and now i wait. i wait for the walls to come crashing down. the words of the Traveling Wilberrys "And then the walls came down. all the way to hell"