Change is as good as a holiday....right?

I dyed my hair today...nothing epic, just made it •Almost• One colour. But I needed it. Im cant sugar coat it....i felt old.i felt (still do) frumpy and just blerg.

It stemmed from going through clothes my mother gave me. Now I have profressed before to being far from a skinnie minnie. But my mother has a warped sence of size. You see post birth with vic my weight hovered around 97kg. I aint proud of it. But I was a size 18. The clothes mum gave me? 22. Over size tops I dont mind. But pants? Way togo mum. I felt like shit. I was feeling ok but now I look at my body in the mirror and chringe. I see the faults that she has pointed out. I see this thing...how the hell dh finds me attractive I dont know. I still have at least 15kg to. I know I need todo it for my boys. But part of me want to show my mother i'm not her and I can do it.

Other then that dj has been good. 'stable' for a week. Thats ok. I'll freak at 3 weeks then again at 6 weeks. Seeing dj fit isn't a massive shock the fear creeps in when dealing with it alone. I can only follow the ambos...when vic gets older...how to explain it all...ohh dear...

caught up with D last night. Seems tuesday is beer night, which is fine by me. He's such a big talker. But thats him. He makes me smile. I guess for the first time I feel I have a friend...sad aint it? I guess my past is all I tell him not what others do. I think that is a two way street.

Dh has started building some stuff to put up roller doors on the shed. Hopefully he'll be in soon. It wont be long before he gets a job again. The house will seem quiet with out him. Til we get a puppy that is...when ever that is.