when my mind starts to wonder

my body fails to sleep.

I'm awake why? because i tired to sleep with my mind still ticking over. always a good idea. (not)

what is it ticking over? my 21st. but not the invites, who is who isn't comming who feels that RSVP'ing is a "yeah, maybe" type thing. strangely none of that. rather my family as a whole.

for my 21st i get a massive wooden key one that was hand made by my grand father. he was a wood turner by trade and a damn good one. he raised 4 kids. one passed before he did. of cancer. from smoking. something he also once did. i think thats what lead him to the triple heart by-pass (i think it was) when i was about 4 or 5. he'd stopped 20+ years before that. but he also liked half tommatos with salt on them. well rather a salt crust. but hey, that was him. an old man, who had spent his life working. he could make an ugly bit of wood into a bowl. he also knew how to cut a tree down with out taking anything else out, as he was a saw miller before he retired. he bought his first car and last from the same place. two of his sons became mechanics, one diesel one 'normal' the diesel one was to become one of the best in the state. it was also his youngest the one who passed a year and 11 months before. my father the eldest became a bank teller, then a band member then a whole lot of other things then a truck driver and other things...and then he ran his own business. my father also lost his first wife to heart failure- in their bed. he married my mum some time later. my grand father was just that. my grand father. i looked upto him as a kid. i saw him once a month until i was 8 or so. then when ever dad headed up i went too. about 8 months before he passed away he had a fall - while dad and i where there. along with my uncle and aunt. (plus their other halfs) and the sound of that fall will haunt me for the rest of my life. the thud. then my grandmother calling out to me to get my dad and uncles. running past the open door and seeing my Pa on the floor...i've never been good at stairs/jumping/hurdles. not to mention a crazy fluffy white dog that likes running under your feet. but hey, i made it down the stairs. part of me knew that pa's body was getting older. he'd hurt the A/C joint in his sholder. which ment a sling most of the time. the last time i saw him was the day before he passed away. as a family myself, dad, mum and my older sister went up to see him. we bought KFC over (my gran lives just over an hour away) he seemed so happy with the change. the smile on his face to see us all. watching so intently. maybe that was just him trying to hold a converation with us. he was also almost def. still. i'd seen that smile once before, that i could remember. and that was finding his old soldering iorn. now when i say OLD i mean stick-it-the-fire-to-heat-it-up old. i've got that kept some place safe. means alot to me to have it. the next morning around 7:30 we got the phone call. the same one dad got a year and 11 months before. this time it was his father. he'd passed in his sleep - in hospital as he was on respite care. to give my gran a brake. we laid him to rest about 8 days later. 6 days before christmas. at 13 i was a poll (??) bearer. the waight. the dead waight. was something i'd never felt before. again something i'll never forget. the day they took his shed down - one he'd not been able to work in in over 10 years. the one that the family cleaned out. piles of saw dust that came up my shin, the smell of it. it was going to be taken down. time makes thease things happen. i had the video camra with me and was filming the whole thing. i'd turned it off and i'll swear on a holy bible i heard his voice saying "they're doing a good job of it aren't they?" i spun around and nothing. they did do a good job, they took a beam down that was the lenth of the shed (two tractors could fit in there if need be) that was one single beam down in one. it was cut in half so dad could take it home. that along with the old shed door are still in his shed. the beam im not sure what will happen with it. but tis a beautiful bit of timber. on muggy days you can sometimes smell it if your out there. timber. thats what it all is. the key that i'll be given is timber. but ingrained in that is love. my grandfather made a key for each of the grandkids. but he never finished the last three. my cousins, my sisters and mine. my father instead will be finishing the last of them. mine. so sure, my 21st on the top looks like its all about "me me me" but deep down? its about the end of tradition, one that i know wont be able to continue past myself. as my father - sadly- dose not have the skill or the tools to be able to turn wood as his father did. as much as he'd love to city sheds arent two tractors wide.

its also the third 21st my uncle, dads youngest brother will have missed. mine was the second of the 'three' (mine, my sister and my cousin are the 'three' )weddings he missed out on. he showed up to my cousins wedding with a loo paper tie on to give you an idea of how much of a joker he was. also he and my dad got a little drunk at my grandmother and grand fathers 50th wedding anniversary - as it was a "dry turn" they kept their booze in an esky in the car. he used to joke with my sister about cutting her hair off and useing it as a wig - as he was almost bald, minus the donut of hair and long beard. even when the cancer was killing him he still manged to joke. he was the 'cool uncle' and he is dearly missed.

so thats why at my 21st they'll each have a photo on the bar, my uncle will have a VB with hopefully a bombers stubby holder keeping it cold. some people may not understand it. but they'll be as much apart of my 21st as any 'able bodied' person in the room.