domino affect

i'm not sure what else to call it.

the past friday, saterday and sunday have been rather...crapatular. to put it nicely.

friday i delt with two unsettled babies. so was on a short tether all day. nothing differant there. other then waiting for blood test resaults for DJ. which never came.

saterday - day was crap. a wonderful women whom i never did meet face to face passed into the next world. leaving behind alot of shocked and sad women. as well as three kids, and a family. only 9 days after fewelling her sister into the world she entered. i was in shock and just unable to understand how it could happen. the women was one who had so much more to give. and will always be remembered for her spirit and ability to make things clearer. also her ability to make her life sound so freaking cool on her blog, her ability to make all the 'normal things' really cool was brilliant. so i spent a few hours texting a good friend of mine on and off as we both knew her from BB. i had half a drink for her. i never did get to finish it off.

saterday - night- went from bad to down right scary. 10:30pm DH goes to sleep with DJ in our lounge. on the floor. nothing un-normal there. until just after 11 DH calls out saying something wasn't right. DJ was fitting. he was blue and shaking. panic set in and i screamed. DH scooped him up and tried to wake him. i raced to the phone and called 000. we put him on the floor and made sure he was breathing and DH staied with him. i went out and waited for the ambos. i thought i'd lost DJ. i honestly thought he'd gone. in my haze i called my mum and dad to come over. all they got was "DJ. fit. hospital. NOW" and i hung up. i posted something along the lines of "FUCK YOU 2011 FUCK YOU HARD CORE" on FB. what else does one say at that point? i needed to scream but at at 11pm at night its not a bright idea i guess.

the ambos arrive and i just show them where DJ is. he's still fitting. i walk out and just pace. now i know how a man feels with his other half in labour. they did things and next thing DH carrys him out to the ambulance. i just stand there and watch. he's still fitting and i feel like im not inside myself anymore. my baby boy is laying there. they prick his finger to check blood sugar levels. he dosen't react at all. my heart sinks down around my knees at this point and i start begging a higher power not to take my baby boy. my minni man from this earth. this earth needs more happy souls. then i think of his blue blook. i get the car keys and get it. why? No fucking idea. i just needed them to have it. the ambos tell DH its time to leave. i tell DH over and over not to let him out of his site once at the hospital (he was in the font of the car) that the only time he can leave is if they kick him out. until that point he is NOT to leave him. i sat on the step and watched them drive off. i just cried. the lovely women from next door came over and sat with me until my folks arrived. i went onto the internet and posted. anything to keep my mind going. as i felt my soul failing. i hear nothing from DH until after 1:30am. wanting to know the pin to my mobile we swapped as mine had more battery life in it. DJ was stable and still in ER. i waited until just after 3am togo in. Vic had been fed and i'd been able to draw strength from the Village known as BB. i walked into the ER and saw him and heard him cry. i wanted to cry but i knew if i started it wouldn't stop. i scooped DJ and Held him tight. i kissed him and inhaled him. that cry was almost as sweet as the first one he made when he was born. my baby was alive. a cranky pants but alive. i was so utterly thankful at that point. they slowly un-hooked the things that go "ping" which made me feel alot better. just after 5 am we got moved to the peads ward. they did the checks on DJ and he was almost asleep. so DH took him to the "roll cage" aka metal cot. and settled him. i explained what happend. and filled in paper work. i explained about the fit and DJ co-sleeping. she told me "oh but SIDS" and i could have ripped her a new one but insted i nicely said "co-sleeping saved my son. sleeping alone would have killed him" she wasn't sure *how* to explain that one away. i left the hospital just after 6am. i went to sleep at 7:45am only to wake at 8:10am and head off again. DJ was given the all clear as such. and EEG to follow up and an MRI. so off we go. leaving the hospital at 1:30pm. albe it alot more fragile then ever before. DJ has picked up alot since then...but it will be a case of watching him like a hawk as the chance of him having another fit in the next 6 months is very high. i hope it never happens again. i dont want to feel like i've lost my son again.
...and i sware if this child wants to out do himself for his third birthday...i'll go gray (born with pnumonia, toung tie. 12 months chicken pox 2 years a fit)