a whole lotta explaining

i haven't blogged in a veeeery long time. but we've had a shit load happening. and i dare say it's only ganna get worse.

late November DH and I buy a house. with out selling our current one. we sell ours in a week. the move is on.

we're moving over 200km away to north east vic. bright idea well we think so. but more stress about that later.

now this may end up long, rambley and stuff.

Dj is "slow" this time last year we had a shit fight with my folks about it. saw a pead. MRI was 'ordered' but we turned it down (yep but ya'll are screaming WHY OH FRIGGIN WHY!?) we turned it down due to the lack of communication on the parts of those wearing the white coats. to walk out of an office with "hes just slow" only to have a letter arrive 10 days later saying "oh btw, we want to do an MRI kthbai" kind of made things hard. when i questioned the doc we'd been handed over to (farked if i know the right term) would not or could not tell me WHY or what the whole MRI was for. i'd have settled for anything not just "ask the pead" which we did. and again was stone walled by him also. i was 19wks UTD at the time and rather hormonal. what not to do to me at that point. but DH also backed me up on that one. our baby, DJ was slow. we wanted 6 months to see if he perked up. but he did a tad. but nothing like we'd hoped. so we book another pead appt. with the pead who saw him in SCN, so knew what we'd been though. although lucky enough to dodge the Dansta bullet that let fly when they fucked me around with the whole failure to thrive. but any whoooo he knew i wanted to be told WHY and even "what if". so we go in and tells me DJ is slow. no ifs buts or maybes. he's delayed. gobal delay is the tag bestowed on DJ. then we get into the nitty gritty of it all. we start with a blood test form thing. well there is about 10 or more things listed in it. so i'm thinking it'll mean a WHOLE lotta blood from DJ. how the hell am i ment to deal with that? its not helped by the fact he's a 'stiff' little man. another question. another blood test thingy added. we talk about his lack of focus and ballance. we talk about how he's not talking nor pointing. but i still know what he means (which the pead said we need to 'formalise so others know too' ) so thats fine. DH and I ask questions about it. then comes up to the part DH and I knew was comming. MRI. yes we will go though with it this time. but i ask one question - what are we looking for/at the pead said one of 47 differant things. and DJ could have number 48 and leave us all scraching our heads. but the pead thinks it could be neurological migration disorder or something like that. so the MRI will check that out. i'm not going near google (other then for spelling) as i honestly dont think i'm ready to 'read up' on it yet.

Last night i'd have cried writeing this. but today. i cant. DJ is needing help and he needs his mummy to be strong. and in time i will read up on it and find out what it is. if it is infact that. because i dont want to freak myself out about it. i'll do what i've done for the past two years be a good mum. or try to be. and be strong. for DJ for DH. and for myself. i know that things are never 'easy' nor are they strait forward in my little world and its not often i put it out there that i'm freaking out. that part of me is FAR from ok with this. i admit i had no dream of seeing DJ win 100m sprint nor become some one who is a book worm. the only dream i had was for him to be happy. and now i wonder if they will ever come true for him. will he be happy? will he be depentant on DH and I more then most kids are? will he need heaps and heaps of help as an adult? will he 'grow up' as most people do? but the one resounding question is, will he be happy?

things in life are there to teach us and allow us to grow. this path that we are starting to walk down may not be smooth and well trodden. but we will get there. we have no choice. I have no choice. my son needs me as his mother. and i need to be strong for him.

even the longest journey starts with a single step