let it begin

the whole SOL is better then me because she just IS.

talking to MIL about the birth of SOL and BOL's baby made me a) clucky well rather bringing up the cluckyness and b) angry.

SOL isn't a big women. i saw her walking about two weeks ago and looked 'normal' for a women due to give birth in three weeks. at that stage i had people asking me how far OVER i was. at that stage with vic my maternity tops waved the white flag, as did the jeans and i had a belly hanging out the middle. she also said the little boy was "healthy as can be. for now" thanks MIL like i needed some one to remind me my boys where ill not long after birth? i've walked the rougher road and i do NOT need people pointing it out to me. i know SOL would have laboured maybe a day? i did 31 hours we told people at 26 hours as i was in hospital. vic we told MIL and FIL as they where comming to watch DJ. if we have another baby i'll birth at home or bring the kids with me. screw it.

i bought SOL and BOL a small gift and a card for their son. (how about we call him DN?) more then they have done for eather of my boys when they where born. i struggle to wrap my head around the card they gave us for vic. and thinking about it they didn't give us one for DJ's 1st birthday. lazy people. DN will (if its not thrown out) a card from DH, myself and the boys with a hand written part "welcome to the world DN, may the sun always shine on your back" from us. something they didn't do. but thats not the point. they are *ment* to be an aunt and uncle to my kids i have friends who have rallyed around us in times of need. they have hit the road instead.

I'm hoping very much next time i see the MCHN i wont see her. i can't be bothered really. i've told BOTH the MCHN's about them and their inability to give a shit about my kids. i dont care if they "oh they're lovely people" i know better they're NOT and never will be when it comes to MY kids. as they are just that MINE. they do not like me thus my kids are second class.

MIL bought up seeing them before we move. which i'll do if they arrange it (and THEY being BOL and SOL) i doubt i would step foot in their house as i have worries about a FULL HOUSE thats been tiled from end to end. when DJ can't walk and vic trying to crawl. (its also on a slab too) but if it was at MIL and FIL's place i'd be fine. knowing i can walk out and "settle" Vic when needed or go for a walk to cool off.

I wish things where different between us. i really do. but i cant change the past and i'm too tired to change tomorrow. i have been kicked while i'm down by those two and i will no longer let this sleeping dog lie, i need to get it out so the next part of this may be alittle more dsoihsdkhfhdsfkjhsdk esk then i need it to be.

i dont understand how BOL could NOT text DH when DJ had the fit. i dont understand it. my sister - who found out via FB called me at midnight and asked if i needed her there. she lives over an hour way. BOL who lives AROUND THE FREAKING CORNER couldn't text DH to see if he was ok. MIL tried to play the "but you may have taken it the wrong way card" FUCK OFF how in the name of hell could we do that? consern for a child who has had a massive fit taken the wrong way? impossable. if its baught up if we see them i'll be blunt and say "we almost lost our son and you couldn't even text. thanks a whole lot for that. i pray you never stand where DH and I stood. holding your limp and almost blue child, but if you wanna see the whole biatch in me, you're going about it the right fucking way ass holes" i have kept quiet for years about it. but now its MY KIDS invloved. i will fight tooth and nail. i will NOT allow those two to be "aunt and uncle" by name, they have done NOTHING to deserve the respect that comes with that title. i have friends who have done more to be an aunt or an uncle. not them. i dont expect and i almost know i wont be 'auntie' Dansta or DH as Uncle DH. but i dont mind. it is my DN, but they may never know me as their aunt. i will most likely (aginst the the wishes of DH) send a card at birthdays and Christmas. to which i doubt i'll get nothing back. i doubt that even with the gift i've given NOW i'll get a thank-you. and i know DH did thank them for their half arsed card they gave us for vic.

And if we do see them. i am feeding in front of her and if i get told off i'll loudly explain one thing

"SHE HAS HAD HER VAGINA OUT IN FRONT OF PEOPLE A BOOB IS NOTHING NEXT TO THAT"

but thats just me and i'm cranking 'cus i have to freaking wait to have another baby.