peace

the idea. the consent. but it comes at a price, so it seems.

I found peace over the weekend with all things todo with the OL's.
I took the boys for a quick walk to see if i'd fixed the dodgey wheels on the pram. nope. had to remove one stamp on it (yep, thats tecnical aint it?) and my BOL was walking his dogs. he stops he talks. i talk back. then ask him something MIL should have told him. he takes offence talks down to me like i'm a child. he walks off. wont face me like an adult. so i turn into a child. call DH tell him then call MIL and explain, something BOL would do. run to Mummy Inlaw. why the hell not?
BOL makes a mistake this time. he calls DH to have a shot at him. opps. i'm on the phone to MIL, not like that changes the damn out come but hell i feel so much freaking better about it. he'd called to ask DH why he'd put me up to 'the attack' when DH told him i have a mind and voice of my own he scoffed at DH and told him "yeah right" clearly the man has no idea of my abilitys as a grown women to stand up for my family. let along conduct myself in a mannar that is above him and beyond that of his wife. meaning - i told him to leave MIL out of message passing to communicate with DH, removing the show pony side and he didn't like it. at all. no crowd to please. oh well. i said my peace

i see MIL and FIL 48hrs later. all seems to have been 'smoothed over'
clearly i was wrong.
i see FIL the next day (three days after the 'event') he tells me that i should have kept my mouth shut. that things where going 'fine' (bwahah no, sorry FIL they where NOT fucking fine) i explain calmly - as i did to BIL i asked he communicate with DH should anything happen to DJ again. that i needed to speak. it was in the street, not in some ones house. one on one. eye to eye no 'back up' but clearly that matters not. FIL told me BIL isn't alot of things. a card person. is one. and not putting mine and DH's name in a card is 'just like him' spirits above did it take alot of strength to not tell FIL that BOL is a prat and i dented his ego and he cannot handle women who can talk on their own with out a mans support. that peace MIL and FIL though they had was distrupted. mine had just settled. but mine remains. theirs may take longer. peace. something i have not had fully for 4 years.

I now feel something else along with my much longed for peace. pride. i can pride myself in knowing i stood up for my family, my view with out turning into a screaming banchee. i know that i have done NO wrong in the latest 'event' i looked BOL in the eyes. yes i got emotive when i said my son was ventilated and in ICU, i am his mother so allow me that. BOL seemed angry. the phrase he used before he walked off was "you need to think before you speak" if only he could understand how much i had thought, over and over about what i was going to say. if he knew the thoughts i had indeed had over the last month. twice having my son drugged to the eyeballs, twice seeing my son not in control of his body. twice unable to know where his soul was. twice facing the possabilty of death. maybe he is the one who needs to think before he acts. but i'd not speak to him as if he was a child. because i'm not the parent.

Peace is what my MIL and FIL want. and peace is what i have given them for years. at the cost of my peace. but last friday night. i gave them turbulance for the price of my own peace. a price worth paying i feel. as BOL and SOL may never have that. they will in other places but the relationship with DH and I will never be one of peace. at least from them. they hold grudges they do not hide their dislike for me - well they hide it from MIL and FIL. but i'm not overly worried. my peace comes first. as does my happiness and that of DH and the boys.

I paid a price of my peace, but every moment of peace is worth it.