thinking isn't all its cracked up to be

well thats how i see it.

last night i took the boys for a walk. as i have been trying to do at least once a day. last night i happend to see my BOL driving towards me. i 'zone out' at this point and just ignore. mature of me i know. but if i didn't well the little bubble of anger would have floated to the top and burst.

it floated to the top later when i went to the shops with the boys and saw him driving away from the shops. a whole heap of questions came into my head. most of which the responce i got made me even more pissed off.

this will be a selfish post. but hey. im sure no one reads so i'm all good.

in the last 4 weeks DJ has had two fits. one we ended up in ICU at a big hospital. now two days before the last fit my BOL called us to thank us for the gift we bough DN, nice i know but i can't help but feel it was "staged" so as MIL and FIL would 'see' him call. even my mum who picked up the phone gave me 'that' look of "am i talking to who i think i'm talking to?" yep so he got his ear chewed by me about DJ and the crap we had been though two weeks before. i did lay it on think that we thought DJ had died when DH woke to him blue and fitting. thus you would think going though any other humans brain would be "SHIT thats massive" clearly it happend but it was fleeting. very fleeting. but it did infact point out BOL has our HOME phone number. that was sunday the 6th of feb. by late tuesday 8th of feb we had DJ fitting again. this time the verosity of it was harder. alot harder. to have your sons head smashing into your hand mid-fit while you try and guide it to the flood is hard. while your DH is on the phone talking 000 though it. when you realise you want to video it for later referance. i know i'm crazy doing it but its payed off already. then having you see your baby with a breathing tube in, drugged up to and beyond his eye balls is harder still. i dont know how DH did it. you would THINK BOL would call to see how HIS BROTHER is? no, could not ask that of him could we? i sware if it happens again i'll mis dial the number and wake them up and calmly explain DJ has had another fit (which i honstly pray wont happen, my strength is weakening now) i find myself getting angry at SOL and BOL. i have gone though hell as has DH. DH spent5 nights - one in er/icu and 4 days in hospital. we both thought at one point or another our son was gone. calling MIL and FIL as well as mine this time i was calm and asked that they stay home. mind you FIL never offered. MIL called back to do so. i was clam. i to a point still am 'calm' for that bubble of anger is rather good at holding its self together granted how much pressure i am putting on it to explode.

i have told DH if i run into BOL and SOL and they have the balls to ask how DJ is i will be honest and obvious as bull dog balls on a winters day. i have already planned out what i will say if i am (un)lucky enough to see them and they ask. my responce?
"why the fuck do you care now? its over its done and we made it though. you have our home phone number but no call, no text. nothing. yep you have a new baby. been there done that TWICE. both times a rough as guts start. yet now you try and care. you (both?) seem to think that its alright to be like this to my face but we all know, and i now will not hide the fact you (both?) do not like me. you never have never will. there for you do NOT like my children as they came out of my vagina. oh and if you want to be an uncle (or aunt) act like a bother (or a supportive family member) not some two faced coward who wont even see if his (your) brother(inlaw) is ok. i cannot understand this. you say it would be taken the wrong way well it cant be. all i have taken is your abilty(s) to be show dogs. you're not proud enough to be a horse you show off to MIL and FIL but dont give a flying fuck about my kids after the shows all done. so PLEASE stop. if it happens again and you care show it. 'cus right now you're colder then the deepest ice in the south pole. and if you tell us you're tired get 2hours sleep for 8 days. or stay yup for over 24hours 4 times in three weeks. THEN GET THE FUCK back to me about it."

or something to that affect. yes, this anger should not be weighing in on my mind right now but it is. i battle for my boys. i have told the people in the ER three times if DJ needed blood to take mine. from my vein to his. no if's no buts just do it. my son is my life blood there for he can take as much of mine as he needs.

I wish BOL and SOL had called while it was all happening. off their own batt. what makes it 10X harder is that if they went though this i'd be getting 'the lean' from MIL about talking to them. we agreed after the last fight about MIL being the go-between she'd no longer do it. but she passed onto me BOL and SOL hope they DJ would be ok, nice of them i'm sure. but it could have been said by them to me or DH. be it phone or text.

clearly BOL is a show dog on a tight lead held by SOL. i wonder how much longer that lead will choke our BOL's family for. i know i've already had enough. my kids come first. DN comes a close second. but BOL and SOL are off my raidar. i have better things to aim my anger at. until i see them again. in the street then my lazer beam well...its work will be swift and leave them shocked. 5 years i've kept quiet. now, now its my turn to bitch and whinge and have a tanty. only fair its to their face though right?